FLOURISHING AFTER 50: Help! My husband’s family always expects us to put on a lavish Christmas lunch without paying for anything – and I’m sick of it

Dear Vanessa,

Every year my husband’s family invites themselves over for Christmas, and it’s always the same story: they show up, we host, and somehow we foot the bill for everything. From the turkey to the champagne, it is all our responsibility.

I wouldn’t mind if it was just a one time thing or if they offered to contribute, but this has been going on for years. The unspoken assumption is that we can afford to do anything because we think we have more money. My husband insists we can’t abandon them, and I don’t want to cause conflict or embarrass him, but I’m starting to feel used.

How can I make this arrangement feel more fair, without offending anyone or putting my husband in an awkward position?

Yours,

Exhausted elf.

Dear exhausted elf,

I completely understand why this situation has made you frustrated. It’s not just the financial pressure, it’s the emotional weight of feeling taken for granted. But rest assured, you are not alone. Many people find family dynamics around the holidays a difficult balancing act.

The key here is to approach the situation honestly and kindly. A good starting point is to gently share your feelings with your husband. Timing is everything – don’t wait until the heat of the holiday rush to bring it up. Instead, choose a quiet moment well before Christmas to explain how this ongoing tradition makes you feel.

Frame it as a team effort: “I’m thrilled that we can accommodate your family, but I’m starting to feel the financial and emotional pressure of doing it all myself. How can we make it feel a little more balanced this year?’ This way it is not about blaming him or his family, but about finding a solution together.

As for his family, here subtlety can work wonders. Rather than asking for a financial contribution directly, consider involving them in the preparation. You could imagine a potluck-style Christmas, with everyone bringing a dish or contributing in some other way. For example: ‘We’re so happy you’re joining us again this year! To make it extra special, we would love for each family to bring their favorite holiday dish.”

If it’s not about food, you can ask someone to bring decorations, games, or even a bottle of wine. By giving them a role, you shift the dynamic without anyone feeling singled out.

Another option is to subtly adjust expectations. Hosting doesn’t always have to mean extravagance. This year you can simplify the celebrations or propose an alternative, such as a family picnic in a park or a rotating guest package. Sometimes families just need a little push to rethink old habits.

Finally, don’t forget to set boundaries. It’s okay to say no or change traditions when they no longer serve you. It doesn’t make you a bad host or bad in-laws; it makes you someone who values ​​fairness and balance in relationships.

Good luck finding a middle ground that keeps the magic of Christmas alive without leaving you feeling drained – financially or emotionally.

Warm wishes,

Vanessa.

Do you have a question about decisions about family, money or big lives? Send it to floringafter50@dailymail.com.au