A celebrity sex expert has revealed that planning sex with her husband includes a crucial but necessary step: closing the bedroom door to prevent dogs from interfering with their lovemaking.
Emily Nagoski, 46, revealed how she saved her and her husband’s once faltering sex life from long dry spells in a recent interview with the New York Times.
Nagoski recalled her feelings at the time about her and her husband’s struggle to find time for intimacy, saying she felt “stressed, depressed, anxious, lonely and self-critical.” Like, how can I be an ‘expert’ – and I say that with heavy, heavy quotes – and still struggle like this?’
Nagoski and her husband, 47-year-old cartoonist Rich Stevens, now enjoy a sex life that she described as “better than it’s ever been.”
Her strategies include scheduling sex dates, keeping intimacy-related supplies closer to the bed, and closing the bedroom door to avoid interruptions from their dogs while they are in the throes of passion.
Emily Nagoski (right), 46, and her husband, 47-year-old cartoonist Rich Stevens (left), before publishing several books about women and desire, which required her to close her bedroom door to prevent dogs from interfering with their lovemaking
The couple’s dogs, Thunder and Olive, who want to ‘sit on our bed’, are locked out of their bedroom to ensure their intimate moments are not interrupted
Nagoski and her husband now enjoy a sex life that she described as “better than it’s ever been,” she said
Nagoski, who has been a sex educator since the 1990s, opened up about her sex for the first time in her new book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections.
“Before writing the book, I wondered if revealing ‘I’ve also struggled with desire in a long-term relationship’ would undermine my expertise,” she said.
She declined to reveal how long the drought in their relationship lasted, but said it was the result of health problems and work stress.
“I did my best to do what I tell other people, which is to focus on what happened with kindness and compassion,” she said.
“I tried to give myself permission to let these things be true. Recognizing it would not always be true. And that I would get through this spell more easily if I didn’t beat myself up.’
To get through their dry spells, the couple spends a lot of time talking about sex and making jokes about their sex life.
She said, “We talk about it more than what we’re having for dinner.”
The couple’s dogs Thunder and Olive, who ‘want to sleep on our bed’, were locked out of their bedroom to ensure their intimate moments are not interrupted.
Nagoski and Stevens also plan their sex dates to make their sex life “a priority.”
She said, “I adjust my schedule so that I don’t have anything that will wipe me out so much that I won’t have any energy on our calendar day.”
Her strategies include scheduling sex dates, keeping things closer to the bed, and closing the bedroom door to avoid interruptions from their dogs during sex.
To get through their dry spells, the couple spends a lot of time talking about sex and joking about their sex life
The sex expert, who has written five books, a podcast, a newsletter and runs social media platforms about sex and desire, says it takes “hard work” to keep sex going in their relationship.
She and her husband see their sex life as ‘a project’ that they build together and work on continuously.
“You have to care. It’s not necessary for survival. It is not even necessary to live a spectacular life. “I don’t demand anyone on earth to make any changes in their sex life if they don’t want to,” she said.
“It’s about creating a context together that makes it easy to access pleasure,” she added.
In her first book Come As You Are, she devoted chapters to women’s bodies and desire, but she emphasized that sex in a long-term relationship is not about desire, but about pleasure.
In her first book Come As You Are, she devoted chapters to women’s bodies and desire, but she emphasized that sex in a long-term relationship is not about desire, but about pleasure.
She said: ‘Desire is the main reason why people of all gender combinations seek sex therapy. Even I need to be reminded that it’s not about desire. It’s about fun.’
‘People always want to know: How often does a typical couple have sex? That’s not a question I answer because it’s impossible to hear a number and not compare yourself to it.’
“Pleasure only happens under very specific circumstances, and the post-industrial world of the 21st century doesn’t create those circumstances very often,” she says.
“We are all overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed. Of course, you have to make an effort to shift from your everyday state of mind to a sexy state of mind.”
She wrote in Come Together: ‘Pleasure central, because great long-term sex isn’t about how much you want sex. It’s about how much you like the sex.’