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Friendships can be one of the most important relationships we have, with lots of laughs in good times and support when it’s hard.
But often there can be a lot of expectations that come from our friendships, sometimes formed in childhood and based on our own culture and values.
Experts have now revealed what happens when these friendships go too far and become harmful.
Dr. Lisa Turner, trauma expert and founder of CETfreedom, told FEMAIL how to recognize if a friendship has become toxic and unhealthy.
Experts have now revealed what happens when expectations in a friendship go too far and become harmful (file image)
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF A FRIENDSHIP IS TOXIC?
Dr. Lisa explained, “Some people may have specific expectations about things like how often they like to talk or see each other, what kind of activities they do together.”
‘What makes a friendship ‘ideal’ is when the expectations are similar and each other’s values are similar or at least respected.’
It is when we cannot understand the values and beliefs of others that things start to become harmful and toxic.
Dr. Lisa said, “It’s important to note that these rules are different depending on our culture, families, and even society.”
‘There’s no fixed set of written friendship rules that everyone follows.
We all make it up to the best of our ability, try it out, and see what works.
Meanwhile, he explained that there are universally harmful beliefs that are not appropriate to apply to friendships.
Among his list of harmful friendship beliefs is the belief that we should tell our friends everything.
Additionally, some people hold fixed beliefs that friends should always agree with each other, that they should prioritize the needs of others above their own, and that they should be willing to sacrifice their own needs or desires for the sake of friendship. .
Rob Brennan, Life Coach/NLP Practitioner, expanded on this and said that it is an unhealthy expectation to believe that someone will drop everything and be there for us when we want them to be.
He said: ‘We’re not being sympathetic to the fact that they have their own journey and their own life, and that not coming, doesn’t mean they don’t like us or don’t care about us.’
Jealousy is another toxic friendship problem, according to Life Coach.
He explained: ‘For example, the kind of BFF posts on social media that present a perfect relationship where they constantly lean on each other and do everything together are unrealistic.
“If one of them does something with another person, that could be seen as a betrayal, or if they spend too much time with another person, there could be jealousy, all of these are warning signs of an unhealthy relationship that needs to be worked on.
“You should be happy that they’re spending time with other people and happy that they’re going their own ways and going on their own journeys.”
“These beliefs can create an unhealthy dynamic where one person feels like they are constantly giving and the other person is constantly taking, leading to resentment and frustration,” said Dr. Lisa.
HOW TO HANDLE UNFAIR EXPECTATIONS IN A FRIENDSHIP
To deal with these expectations, it’s important to step back and examine why you have them and whether they’re ‘realistic or fair’.
She said: ‘Try to be honest with yourself about what you expect from your friends and whether these expectations are reasonable.
“It can also help to communicate your expectations to your friends and have an open and honest conversation about what each person needs and wants from the relationship.”
He added that things get toxic if someone isn’t nice, either deliberately or unintentionally, because of the expectations they have.
They are so obsessed with being right and correct, that they do what they can to prove it, resulting in hurt feelings.
If you can’t talk about these issues and respect each other’s boundaries, she explained, “you may need to consider whether it’s healthy for you to continue the friendship.”
It’s important to remember that ‘it’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own well-being, even if it means ending a toxic relationship.
“If you’re struggling to deal with a toxic friend, it may also help to seek support from other friends or a therapist.”
Read more:
Are you in a toxic friendship? Psychologist reveals 9 signs: from being put down by your friend in front of others to his problems taking center stage
Is your best friend toxic? Take the quiz to reveal the warning signs of a manipulative and controlling relationship
Do you have a toxic partner? The expert reveals the five different types of unhealthy relationships and explains how to know if you need help