I was 24 when I had Heidi in 1993, two years after her brother Jacob was born. I loved being pregnant. I carried easily and recovered without any problems. Heidi and I were always close. We shared a love of music, Disney and a positive outlook on life. Growing up, she was my best friend and lived 30 minutes from my house in California.
She dreamed of being a mother. So in 2016, it was heartbreaking to watch her and her husband John struggle to conceive. They tried for four years until it finally happened in 2020. When I heard she was pregnant with twins, I dissolved into happy tears.
Our joy did not last long. At 10 weeks, Heidi lost one of the babies, and at 24 weeks their son, who they named Malakai, also died. It was terrible to see Heidi’s sadness. I felt helpless.
A few weeks later, Heidi said to me, “Mom, the doctors think IVF and surrogacy is the best next step.” Finally there was something I could do. “Please let me speak to your doctor about being your surrogate,” I said. “What safer place for your baby than his grandmother’s womb?”
I saw both hope and caution in Heidi’s eyes. I was 52, she said. The last thing she wanted was to put me in danger. But I was fit, healthy and also retired, with all the time in the world. I could tell that Heidi was concerned that I was only offering it out of obligation. I reassured her that this couldn’t be further from the truth.
A week later I spoke with Heidi’s doctor. The cutoff age for surrogates is usually 35 where we live, so I thought it might be ambiguous. Instead, he was positive. “If all goes well,” he said, “there shouldn’t be a problem.”
Only then did I tell my husband, Ray, who was there immediately. Still, we stuck to our plan of only meeting family. We didn’t want the extra pressure if it didn’t work out.
After tests and guidance, we were given the green light. When the doctor finally implanted an embryo in my uterus in July 2021, I didn’t look at the screen. I looked at Heidi’s face as it lit up with joy.
Nine days later I had a positive pregnancy test. We called our partners to tell them, and we all cried with joy.
I hadn’t been pregnant in 28 years, but it all came back. It felt natural and joyful to see my body change. I even celebrated the fatigue and morning sickness as signs that things were going well.
When my pregnancy became apparent, I didn’t go out much because I didn’t want people to say, “Kristi, you’re pregnant!” I wanted Heidi to get the congratulations and excitement. Ray enjoyed watching my transformation. He liked to joke with people. “My wife is pregnant, but he’s not mine,” he said cheerfully to strangers. He’d say, “She’s carrying our grandbaby!”
Not everyone was in favor. Some thought I was taking Heidi’s experience away; others thought I was having a baby with John. “I had nothing to do with conceiving this child, I am just a safe place for it to grow,” I explained.
after newsletter promotion
People find it hard to believe, but during my pregnancy I never felt like a mother on hold. My bond with this child was nothing like that with Heidi and Jacob. I had planned for the baby to go straight to Heidi for skin-to-skin contact after birth.
I felt a wave of happiness when my granddaughter, Ekko, was born in March 2022 weighing 2.8 kg. I had experienced the post-birth hormone rush twice before and thought I might cry and have to hold her. When I saw Ekko in Heidi’s arms, I actually only felt joy. Ekko was exactly where she needed to be.
Ekko was taken to a neonatal intensive care unit for observation, so it was seven days before I held her for the first time. It was wonderful to have her in my arms, but I felt like a proud grandmother, not a mother. And two years later, when my beautiful, sassy granddaughter calls me Gigi and runs into my arms, it’s the same.
I look back on the experience with wonder and gratitude. I will be forever grateful that I was able to help bring Ekko into this world and finally make Heidi a mother. Even now, Heidi says she can never thank me enough for what I did. But I don’t need thanks.
As told to Kate Graham
Do you have an experience to share? Email experience@theguardian.com