EXCLUSIVE: I’m a psychologist – here are 9 subtle signs your partner lacks emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence, or emotional quotient (EQ), has become a buzzword in recent years as part of a broader trend of “therapeutic talk” being used in everyday conversations.

But relationship experts say mismatches in emotional intelligence are often the source of the breakdown of marriages and partnerships.

One of the first problems in most relationships on the rocks is a lack of communication, according to the psychologist Dr. Scott LyonsAn essential part of communication is emotional intelligence.

“Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and manage one’s emotions,” he told DailyMail.com.

Although you may be able to have a good time with a low-IQ romantic partner, the connection may not be much deeper, he said.

Unfortunately, some people never develop emotional intelligence, perhaps due to family problems or other traumas from their childhood.

Being in a relationship with someone who has low emotional intelligence can mean we continue to practice old, unhealthy patterns, which can be extremely painful, said Lyons, a clinical psychologist who focuses on helping patients deal with trauma, limiting beliefs and other negative cycles. . .

Fortunately, emotional intelligence can be learned.

But the first step is recognition.

Here are 9 signs that you may be in a relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence:

1. They cannot see things from another person’s point of view:

In a relationship, we want someone who can share our worldview, Dr. Lyons said.

What makes this difficult is that there are as many ways to see the world as there are people in the world.

Emotional intelligence enables us to see things from another person’s point of view.

You don’t necessarily need to agree, but romantic partners need to at least acknowledge these differences so they can work through them together.

“People not being able to realize that their experience might be different from yours is not a good sign,” Lyons said.

2. They become defensive when you share your feelings:

Even if your partner disagrees with you, he or she should be able to listen to your feelings without fighting.

For example, Lyons said, if one person says to another, “I got scared because I didn’t hear from you,” some defensive responses could include insisting they were where they said they were, or perhaps even challenging you to check their phone. For proof.

On the other hand, an emotionally intelligent response could include being willing to listen, reassuring you that they are safe, or even just offering a hug.

Emotional intelligence doesn’t mean solving everything right away, it means showing that you’re willing to try to understand.

3. Even their physical posture is defensive:

Maybe their arms are crossed. They may have a rigid attitude.

“We usually call that a defensive stance,” Lyons said.

He said that this physical defense often reflects an emotional defense as well, which will manifest itself in the person’s insistence that their truth is the only truth.

Their defensiveness leads to an inability to be vulnerable and connect with others on an emotional level, especially in romantic relationships.

4. They get angry at you because you can’t read their minds:

“As much as we sometimes wish we could be spiritual, that’s not actually what we’re capable of as humans,” Lyons said.

“If they get mad at you because you didn’t meet them.”needs, but they don’t communicate their needs, and that’s a red flag.

This may sound like your partner is upset with you because you didn’t call them when they were having a bad day.

If something like that happens, there are emotionally intelligent ways to respond: “I might say, ‘Well, you didn’t share with me that you were having a bad day,'” Lyons said.

5. They don’t pick up on non-verbal cues:

When we share our feelings with each other, sometimes we don’t have all the answers. Sometimes we can’t find the words to express how we feel.

In this case, nonverbal cues are how an emotionally intelligent partner can look to understand and help us.

Avoiding eye contact or speaking more slowly than usual can be signs that emotions are taking a toll on someone, but a partner with low emotional intelligence may not be able to pick up on such signs.

6. They don’t ask follow-up questions:

“Part of emotional intelligence is asking really good follow-up questions,” Lyons said. “I don’t think we think enough about how important that is.”

Investigating and exploring feelings together can be powerful in a relationship because the more you know, the more you can support your partner, he said.

Not being curious about someone’s feelings can be a sign of low emotional intelligence.

Even when one partner can’t find the words, questions may help them find those words.

7. …but they try to get all the facts:

Lyons said there’s a big difference between asking follow-up questions and trying to get all the facts.

Another person does not need to have all the information in order to be there for you emotionally.

“If someone is bleeding, you don’t need to know what’s causing the bleeding to apply a bandage,” Lyons said. ‘Someone is hurting. You can collect the facts after the bleeding or pain is over.

A person with low emotional intelligence may feel the need to know the whole story to see if they completely agree with you before they are willing to empathize, he said.

But a partner with high emotional intelligence can let go of the “narrative” or “story” of what is wrong, and can instead simply be present to your feelings.

8. They shift blame instead of building bridges:

Similar to defensiveness, a partner with low emotional intelligence may turn the tables when you share your feelings.

You might hear things like: “I don’t think that’s right,” or “Well, let me tell you,” or “I did this.”

Or maybe they say you’re too sensitive when you share how you feel.

These types of statements place blame rather than seeking connection with the partner.

“I’m here with you” or “I hear you” or “Can you share more with me?” “They’re all phrases that someone with a high emotional IQ might use when you’re trying to communicate with them,” Lyons says.

‘what do you need?’ or “How can I support you?” They’re also great examples of emotionally intelligent responses, he added.

9. They remain silent in the wrong situations:

There are times when all we need is for someone to listen. Or perhaps our feelings are so overwhelming that we cannot express them verbally.

“It’s okay to sit in that silence,” Lyons said.

But sometimes you want feedback or reassurance. You can even ask for it.

Without emotional intelligence, your partner may remain in silence, unable to communicate. And perhaps you can feel the difference between these two types of silence.

It can also mean that a partner is withholding their inner life – and not just when it comes to conflict, but also when it comes to victories and achievements.

“They may be aware of sharing negative things, but they don’t even share good things.”

So what can you do about it?

Taking all that into consideration, he said, a lack of emotional intelligence can make you feel lonely in a relationship, whether it’s because of your lack of emotional intelligence or their lack of emotional intelligence.

Your partner with low emotional intelligence may not know what they don’t know about feelings, so it’s important to be kind and open up the conversation, rather than label it, Lyons said.

Lyons said a lack of emotional intelligence is not a fatal obstacle in a relationship, as long as there is an openness to working through it.

If you believe your partner lacks emotional intelligence, it is important to approach them with the understanding that they did not choose to be this way.

Instead, they may be stuck in their emotional development and need help, Lyons says. This can take the form of loving conversations, where you express your curiosity about their feelings and your willingness to support them.

“This is the most emotionally intelligent way to do it.”