Ethically culled chicken from the family coop with extra helpings of re-heated misery – and a blood diamond bracelet wrapped under the tree: It’s Christmas at the Sussexes’ (at least, according to KENNEDY!

It's Christmas at the Sussexes!

As the North Pole wind gusts make their way towards Montecito, little Archie and Lilibet's durable stockings burst at their hemp seams.

The Duchess wakes up later than usual – no early morning emails to staff today (it's their bank holiday too, she says empathetically).

A quick final check of the mailbox confirms a celebratory sadness: cards from Jay Z, Bey, the Beckhams and various family members were indeed lost in transit.

The table is set by Harry, tired from the difficult past year he has had, especially the publication of his ghost-written memoir in January.

Turkey is out – instead it's ethically culled chicken from the couple's garden coop.

Placemats will be replaced with surplus copies of Meghan's best-selling picture book The Bench. (#Recyclinghack!!)

While side dishes of treason and woe are remixed, reheated and served with additional portions. (Only purchased in Palestinian-owned stores).

House Rules: Don't mention Spotify, Coronation or car chases.

Aunt Oprah is joining the mix and despite recent rumors of a deterioration in relations, I'm happy to report she's not left out in the cold.

Also here are Doria and Tyler Perry, rocking out in a Hertz electric car.

And what Royal Californian Christmas would be complete without raucous board games?

Then enters Omid Scobie, Target's answer to a court jester.

Charades is so stuffy Sandringham, he says. Fantastic stories by the fire are much more modern. The more amazing the fantasy, the better.

And so Omid knits a yarn so hysterically fake and daring: the Sussex family clan fashion matching cardigans and hats.

These prove perfect for an after-lunch stroll on the beach, where they launch ships in bottles for the less fortunate around the world who aren't lucky enough to have Netflix, newspapers, access to the internet or actually any way to hear H&M's grumblings of grief .

At home it's time for presents under the family fir trees, cut from a private jet compensation forest.

A tube of Dr. for Harry from Meghan. Freud's favorite todger tincture and a new necklace (his last one broke – don't ask how!).

For Meghan from Harry, a beautiful tennis bracelet made of glittering blood diamonds.

For the kids, this is a harsh lesson that good things come to those who wait, marry rich or have a brief starring role in Deal Or No Deal. (Meghan learned that from Mandela.)

Beware: a grinch! Samantha Markle pulls up in an Uber armed with gift-wrapped court papers addressed to her sister. How cruel to treat a brother or sister like that, says Harry.

Now it's time for the king's speech.

But just then, gathered around the 100-foot flat screen, Harry lying on his hand-carved throne of reclaimed mahogany with vegan pudding in hand, the cable goes out. The TV falls into darkness.

When asked why Meghan was seen with a wire cutter at the fuse box, Meghan says memories may vary.

And so, in lieu of Charles' celebratory message, they proceed to draw up this year's naughty list of people who have wronged the Duke and Duchess out of righteous indignation.

Enemy No. 1: The Evil Media. (WAAAGH!)

Enemy No. 2: the entire British public. (Colonizers!)

Also included: Bill 'f***ing grifters' Simmons and Disney, who continue to refuse to offer Meghan a well-deserved starring role.

Looking ahead to the new year, H&M is mentally preparing for another twelve months of begging for content, lifestyle guidance, therapy advice and thoughts on how to live in the truth.

A 2024 relaunch of The Tig/Instagram/Suits/general good works spinoff? Just wait – and wait!

All that remains then is a toast to success, wealth, famous friends, humility and freedom.

Sometimes you are so happy that it hurts.