EPHRAIM HARDCASTLE: William unlikely to avoid pomp and circumstance when he is named Prince of Wales

William, eager to avoid a Prince of Wales investiture akin to his father’s 1969 Ruritanian extravaganza, might not turn out quite as well as he had hoped.

In announcing the formal Letters Patent, the King declared last week that he would honor William “by giving away a sword, placing a crown on his head and a gold ring on his finger and also by giving him a golden rod in his hand.”

Doesn’t that sound like the ceremony William wants to avoid?

You certainly won’t want to put on a crown similar to your father’s. The golden orb on top was a table tennis ball wrapped in gold leaf.

The golden orb on top of the crown that was worn at King Charles’ Prince of Wales inauguration ceremony was a table tennis ball covered in gold leaf.

The peaceful but sudden death of Paul O’Grady might not have come as much of a surprise to the artist, who recently described himself as a resident of “God’s waiting room.”

‘Fit and healthy, are you crazy?’ The river. I have undertakers banging on the window when I walk by. They’re asking, “Any time?” I’m like, shut up.

Mourning Paul, Carol Vorderman will miss him as part of her marathon lunch group.

“We’re a small group with Paul, Alan Carr, Gok Wan and Sally Lindsay,” he says.

‘We call ourselves Gays and Girls. We had the longest lunches, often lasting 13 hours.’

Carol Vorderman (pictured) will play Paul O’Grady as part of his marathon lunch group

The peaceful but sudden death of Paul O’Grady might not have come as much of a surprise to the artist, who recently described himself as a resident of “God’s waiting room.”

Hayley Mills is delighted that the Oscar she won for Pollyanna at 14 and was subsequently stolen has been replaced by the Academy.

But rumors persist that her late father, John, was so jealous of her victory that he didn’t tell her.

Says a friend, “I didn’t even know she had won the award or been invited to Hollywood until she appeared in the publication.”

Luckily, John, who died in 2005, went on to win his own Oscar for playing the village idiot Michael in Ryan’s Daughter.

Twinkling feet Bill Bailey has ignited Gordon Ramsay’s dancing ambition.

“I’d love to do Strictly before I’m too old,” he says. “But I’m nervous about tight shirts, and I hear they sew your underwear into your pants… That’s my biggest fear: pants ripping live on Saturday night.”

SAS: Who Dares Wins star Ant Middleton recalls his initiation into the Parachute Regiment when he was ordered to approach the biggest guy in a nightclub, buy him a drink, then beat him up.

SAS: Who Dares Wins star Ant Middleton recalls his initiation into the Parachute Regiment when he was ordered to approach the biggest guy in a nightclub, buy him a drink, then beat him up.

“So I went there, I went to offer him a drink, it gives me chills when I remember it,” he recalls.

‘He went for the pint and I hit him and connected with what I thought was the best shot of my life. The guy just stood there, he laughed at me and gave me the biggest right hook. Before I knew it he was on the ground.

Served you well great boy.

The White Hotel author DM Thomas, who has died aged 88, has blamed himself for extinguishing fellow Cornish scribe and neighbour, William Golding, after an epic drinking session.

“My God, I’ve killed him by keeping him up too late and making him drink too much,” he lamented to Golding’s daughter.

She assured him that she had been suffering from heart problems and was expected to leave at any moment. Lots to talk about, chaps.