The eight signs your friend fancies your husband, revealed by a top psychotherapist… who also tells what to do if you suspect her

When it comes to affairs, men can be lazy and predictable. They often direct their love towards someone close to them. And if it’s not the PA or the nanny, it could be their wife’s best friend.

Why would you search far and wide when a woman who looks a bit like your wife, but different, regularly appears in your life?

And that vulnerability is why you need to be alert to signs that your best friend is targeting your man. Also, be prepared to nip any flirting in the bud.

As a psychotherapist and relationship therapist, I know that it is absolutely important that you can trust your best friend.

But if you don’t want to risk losing your partner to the person whose shoulder you would have been crying on, you need to be wary of the sometimes surprising signs that your girlfriend is getting closer to him than she should…

She takes his side

When you confide in this friend about your husband, how does she react? Can you talk freely without feeling attacked? If she automatically takes his side over yours, it could be a sign of her wavering loyalty. Beware if she refuses to consider that your husband could be anything other than angelic or makes you feel ungrateful when you complain about him.

She is all dressed up

If you meet for a casual get-together and she shows up in full combat gear — lips, nails, cleavage, everything — consider it highly suspicious. The move is that much more sinister if she knows you’re not feeling good about yourself or your appearance.

She talks about sex

Be on the lookout for funny sexual jokes and double entendres. If she drunkenly brags about how much she enjoys oral sex, she may be lying, but she can still impress and intrigue your man — especially if your marital bed has become a little unadventurous. Her statements may raise expectations, making him question his relationship with you.

She gives bad advice

If your normally supportive girlfriend starts giving you questionable advice (“Ignore him, get that puppy!” “Just book that vacation, he’ll get used to it”), it could be a sign that she’s trying to turn your married life upside down to make her own path easier.

She undermines you

Perhaps the most toxic sign is when she undermines you when he’s around. Don’t ignore those little quips that are presented as teasing and are meant to make you look a little stupid.

If she casually tells you stories that you told her in confidence (for example, complaining about his mother, his laziness, or his dirty habits), she may be doing it to make herself look better in front of him.

She is concerned about his well-being

Beware of a friend who offers to take on your husband as a project, especially in the aftermath of a crisis. Crisis—whether it’s feeling inadequate, sad, lost, or bereaved—can quickly lead to connection…with someone other than you.

A client of mine told me that she was so grateful when her best friend offered to encourage her husband to start jogging when he was having trouble losing weight. The two became friends through their runs — and eventually left their partners to be together.

She pretends to hate him

Watch for dramatic changes in behavior. One minute she’s being rude to your man, perhaps belittling him; the next she’s love-bombing him and lighting up whenever he’s around. This is toxic if it’s causing him to behave badly, especially if it puts you in the unenviable position of being the spoilsport.

She mirrors his body language

Laughing at his lame jokes, squeezing his biceps, or standing next to him at social events can all be harmless examples of social flirting. However, you’ll need a keen eye to spot the more sinister moves.

By unconsciously mirroring his body language, a bond is created on a subconscious level.

If the sexual energy between them is high, look for “auto-erotic touching” – touching the lips, neck or arms – or “preening” to ensure they look their best.

…and what should you do if you suspect her?

Keep things in perspective. Is she girly and giggly with every man? Are you reading too much into her affection for your man?

Sometimes it can be a positive boost to your relationship if you see your best friend being a little cheerful with your man. That can help change your perspective.

Pay attention if you feel insecure. Your fears may be unfounded, but it’s worth examining why you’re worried. Are you jealous of her? If you cherish your friendship, it’s important to try to find a way out. Maybe her crush was just a passing crush because you’re so lucky to be married to a nice guy.

However, if their bond leads to bad behavior, you should address it. Something almost subliminal may be enough to stop her unwanted behavior.

Your best approach is a gentle one; tell morality tales about someone else in a similar situation and see how she reacts. If that doesn’t work, try not to be accusatory. Say something like, “I just have a feeling you’re in love with my husband?”

Be honest with your husband too. Take him aside and describe the signs you have noticed, and ask him to respectfully address your concerns.

As told to Louise Atkinson.