I first saw a UFO when I was six years old. From the trunk of my parents’ station wagon, I peered at a multicolored disk floating across the night sky.
To be fair, I was bouncing around without a seatbelt (as was done in those days), so the sighting was most likely the symptom of a mild concussion sustained after hitting a pothole.
My next encounter happened when I was in high school. The first time I smoked weed, I had a vivid dream of visitors with bubble fingers standing over me and chanting, “Gosh! gosh!’
It put me off the boat for life, but, perhaps strangely, it turned me into a paranormal believer.
So when mysterious drones appeared in the skies over northern New Jersey earlier this month, I went full X-Files.
I assumed that our saurian overlords had finally had enough of our Earth bickering and sent an interdimensional fleet to emulsify us all. Humanity was finally invaded by a fishbowl-shaped, laser-bearing ‘ACK ACK!’ aliens.
And if you think that sounds crazy, just listen to some of the other conspiracies floating around.
Skinnygirl, former Real Housewife Bethenny Frankel, said the drones were actually secret US vacuum helicopters trying to track down missing nuclear weapons, radiation or errant dirty bombs.
And Roseanne Barr, fresh off solving RFK Jr’s dead bear in the Central Park ruse, has been making a fuss about Project Blue Beam (a crazy theory that authoritarians will use false alien sightings to sow mass confusion and take over the world).
Then you have the chosen crazies.
Sassy congressional rodeo clown Marjorie Taylor Greene has reposted an old-fashioned chemtrail theory. While New Jersey Congressmen Chris Smith and Jeff Van Drew wrongly insisted that an “Iranian mothership” off the U.S. coast launched “elusive maneuver vehicles” into our airspace.
Yes, it’s all crazy. But at least these cranks do something.
The bureaucrats responsible for US national security have been about as helpful as Kamala Harris when it comes to explaining the sightings.
Entrenched Deep Staters, from the White House to the Pentagon, the FBI and DHS, have met the growing public hysteria with a collective shrug.
So allow me – a true believer – to set the record straight.
The drone swarms are undoubtedly the work of nerd hobbyists and bored teenagers. Half of the observations concern incorrectly identified aircraft or stars. And if someone in the Biden administration had taken a minute to update their resume and announce it from a podium, they could have saved us all some time and aggravation.
The Garden State is not under attack from aliens or Iranians, chemtrailers or autocrats. But America is under attack by the incompetence of the establishment.
God willing, we will soon discover evidence of intelligent life… in Washington DC.
Assad’s favorite network
Rule #1 at CNN: Always involve yourself in a story. Forget about vetting or preliminary research of any kind; if something looks salacious and you can empathize with it, then it’s CNN gold.
The rule applies even when we’re talking about a quivering “prisoner” discovered in a Syrian torture chamber by war-blonde Clarissa Ward. It doesn’t matter that this man actually turned out to be someone from Assad torturersresponsible for the deaths of countless innocent people. Details!
I hear Hamas is now wondering if the gullible Ward can tour some Israeli prisons. The terrorist group has a few ‘fathers’ whom it would like to help free.
Egg on her face
In an interview about her cougarish new movie “Babygirl,” Nicole Kidman humbly admitted that her problem is that she has too many emotions.
Nic described how she and her husband, musician Keith Urban, like to visit cancer patients so he can strum a few bars while she stands there and feels deeply.
‘I go to hospitals. Keith and I will work where we go,” she said. ‘He takes his guitar and we just go to the oncology department. And I shouldn’t absorb someone else’s emotions.”
She also said that Keith tells her, “You’re like a raw egg that I have to be the shell for.”
I bet she can whip up a mean meringue that’s just as creamy as this self-indulgent mess!
Nancy’s bad trip
While Nancy Pelosi’s stock portfolio may continue to rise, the former 84-year-old Speaker of the House of Representatives has not defied gravity.
During a trip to Luxembourg she had a nasty fall and had to urgently undergo a hip replacement. She’s no doubt praying she’ll be ready in time to kick Biden out the door in a few weeks.
Looks huge, Hugh
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded his adamantium claws for pecs of steel.
The 56-year-old showed off a glowing body during an Australian beach romp this week. Why? Rumor has it that he has moved on from his 69-year-old ex-wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, to his much younger The Music Man co-star, Sutton Foster.
He carries his midlife crisis so well.
Call him Hugh Jacked-man, because Wolverine has traded his adamantium claws for pecs of steel.
Crazy men
Depressing new polls show that 39 percent of Americans believe the election of Donald Trump has eroded their already declining trust in government. But that’s not the victory Democrats might think.
40 percent said Trump will be “more effective” at achieving their goals than Biden ever was.
So basically: everyone hates everyone, but Trump will help them get theirs, so who cares.
The sun is shining!
Sydney Sweeney delighted fans when she took the girls out to soak up the sun at her waterfront villa in Florida last week.
Her healthy curves sent an inspiring message to all anorexia advocates: sip your Hatorade, Sydney knows she’s the ultimate snack.
Sydney Sweeney delighted fans when she took the girls out to soak up the sun at her waterfront villa in Florida last week.
Kamala 2.0
Has the crimson-lipped communist AOC set her sights on something embarrassingly white, like a house where the president lives?
According to reports, she has told anyone who will listen that she is done with petty progressive attitudes and is ready to move into the mainstream in hopes of a 2028 run.
Pretending to be a moderate didn’t work for ‘my values have never changed’ Kamala. So I think Bernie-with-boobies will have an even harder time selling this disingenuous service.