DR MAX PEMBERTON: Why a man telling tall tales on a date really is a red flag

Any woman who has been on a date will recognize the scene. You walk into the bar or restaurant; you’re excited and enthusiastic, and you see it across the room. He sees you, both smile. Then he stands up and you immediately realize that he has lied about his height. He is 5 foot 7, but she said she was 6 foot.

Between my friends, this has happened over and over again. In fact, I suspect that men lie more about their height on dating apps than their age. But who are they trying to fool? It seems like such a silly lie – the moment you see them, the game is over.

I think it says a lot about the power we have for self-deception. These men have genuinely convinced themselves that they have the stature that they claim to be.

The irony is that I don’t think women are turned off by a man who is a few inches tall, but men who are lying are. Inevitably, they wonder what it says about their date’s character, that they would literally magnify themselves like this.

Well, there could be a very real reason to be careful, according to a new study from last week. It shows that those who worry about being small are more likely to have “dark personality traits,” including narcissism and psychopathy.

Researchers at the University of Padua in Italy suggested that when people can’t be ‘physically formidable’ – in other words, tall – they try to be ‘psychologically formidable’, and that can lead to cynical and manipulative behavior and a lack of empathy. for others.

But wait. We all tend to exaggerate our height, convincing ourselves and others that we are taller than we really are and not all of us are psychopaths!

I see this concern around height all the time. When I do a physical in my clinic, no one seems to care much what your blood pressure or pulse is, but they are always very interested in your height measurement. And they are almost always disappointed. ‘Oh, I thought I was taller’ they often say.

It’s not uncommon for patients to be so convinced that I’ve made a mistake that they ask me to measure them again to verify, and each time, they’re convinced they’re taller than they actually are. I have never had someone think they are shorter.

At 6 foot 1 inch, genuinely! “I’m relatively tall, so maybe it’s easy for me to dismiss this obsession.

In fact, I’ve had several smart, rational, sensible friends (who are a few inches shorter than me) try to convince me that they’re 6 foot and therefore I must be 6 foot 4. I am definitely not.

The fact is, as a society, we tend to value height. Research shows that taller people tend to have higher self-esteem and self-confidence. A study of Swedish men showed that shorter people are more at risk of moodiness and suicide.

Height also appears to confer certain social benefits. Taller people are more likely to access higher education, for example. This is true even when short and tall people have similar IQs, suggesting that there must be some unconscious bias at work when they apply to college.

It’s a bias that continues throughout life: People who are taller than 6 feet earn on average £100,000 more over a 30-year career compared to shorter people. No doubt these advantages stem in part from the widespread tendency to associate height with power.

This tendency is embedded in our language: we admire people we consider superior, for example, or look down on those who are inferior.

Not that everything is easy when you are taller than average. I have had several tall patients who have hated their height. If you’re not a particularly confident person, for example, it’s hard to go unnoticed. There is literally nowhere to hide.

The truth is that our height does not have to determine how we feel about ourselves. Of course, there is nothing inherently strong or weak about being tall or short. And as for being a psychopath, well, I’d take that association with a big pinch of salt.

Blatantly lying on a dating app about your height is another matter, however. On one hand, I feel sorry for men who feel they need to. But on the other, it sets off alarm bells, loudly.

Be aware when you are leaving. Self-deception is not an attractive quality in anyone. It is much better to fall in love with a man whose head is not in the clouds.

Following on from my article two weeks ago on the dangers of erratic sleep, another study from last week shows that sleeping less than six hours a night increases the risk of infections by more than a quarter. I am achieving much more regular sleep by developing a bedtime routine. It is surprisingly effective.

The lifetime cost of abuse

Mel B (pictured) was always my favorite Spice Girl and it made me so sad to hear about all her struggles since those fun and heady days of Spice World and Girl Power.

The singer, 47, has spoken out about the abuse she alleges she suffered at the hands of her ex-husband, Stephen Belafonte, she claims he denies, calling it something she will live with ‘for the rest of her life’.

She claims that he emotionally and physically abused her during their ten-year marriage (they separated in 2017) and confessed that she became “very good at hiding things”. She described how he would even try to control what she wore.

Abusers are experts at destroying their victims’ sense of identity. But with the right support, it can be something you leave behind. It takes extraordinary strength and courage, but it is possible to rebuild your life, regain your trust, and throw off the shackles of your abuser. I can only hope that Mel B gets there one day too.

It’s not just the cost of living crisis that worries people, there is also a cost of dying crisis. Although the average cost of a funeral fell slightly in 2022, to £3,953 from £4,056 in 2021, people are increasingly concerned about how their loved ones could afford it and are beginning to opt for “direct cremations”. This is where there is no memorial service and the ashes are returned to family members. A cut of around £1,500.

In fact, more and more people are saying they prefer family members to spend their saved money on a vacation. I quite like this idea.

And yet, funerals also have a valuable psychological function. Having an event to focus our attention and thoughts allows our minds to start processing what happened.

You just don’t get the same lounging on a beach.

DR MAX RECIPE…

VITAMIN D

This is one of the few supplements that I recommend people take on a routine basis. It is estimated that 60 per cent of the UK population have insufficient levels. There is evidence that supplements might decrease the risk of premature death and reduce the risk of developing breast cancer in premenopausal women. Also, a new study last week showed that taking vitamin D daily reduces the chances of developing dementia.