DR MAX PEMBERTON: This is what King Charles can teach us all about how to grieve

‘Tis the season to be jolly! But what if ’tis not the season to be jolly? What if you don’t feel happy at all because you are grieving for someone who has passed away?

All the tinsel and well wishes can feel very hollow and empty when you’re sad.

It is certainly true that when we grieve, some people can really step up and make a difference. Walking through grief like a gossamer thread is the feeling of disconnection, but a small kindness, a few words, a thoughtful gesture can remind us that we are still connected to others.

Richard E. Grant has given a moving account of how King Charles visited his dying wife, dialect coach Joan Washington, days before she died of lung cancer in 2021.

‘Shortly before my wife died, Prince Charles came to visit her, sat in our garden, held her hands and talked about life as she reflected on her own death. Kindness, generosity, humor and compassion. Princely attributes befitting a king.’

What a contrast to how others responded.

Mr Grant has previously spoken about how, after Joan died, he lost friends as a result of the way they responded to his grief.

Speaking at the Cheltenham Literary Festival last year, he said: ‘After her death I made people cross the street instead of talking. Whether they think you’ll fall apart and be an emotional wreck, I don’t know. But I’ll never talk to them again.’

As shocking as this sounds, it is all too familiar.

Despite the fact that death and grief are a universal phenomenon, something that none of us can escape, we are often very bad at dealing with people who are grieving.

I have had many grieving patients say the same thing to me – they are often bewildered at people’s reactions, and deeply wounded and hurt.

People find it very difficult to deal with sadness. They feel like they don’t know what to say, how to behave, or are afraid they will do or say something that will make the situation worse – so they keep a good distance.

You’d think people would rally around a grieving friend at Christmas, especially if it’s the first time since losing a loved one. But from my experience, the season of goodwill is often in short supply.

Because they don’t want to appear thoughtless, people don’t invite them to the usual drinks or parties. They wouldn’t want to come and be merry, would they?

And maybe there’s even a little concern that they’ll worsen the mood, too.

But it’s not our place to make assumptions about how they will feel.

Of course, many people will find this time of year very difficult, even years after their loss. Christmas will bring back memories, the traditions will feel empty or pointless, and the entire festive season can feel long and drawn out.

That doesn’t mean ignoring it is anything other than hurtful. In fact, simply acknowledging someone’s pain and loss is often enough.

You don’t have to find clever words or offer wisdom or comfort in their grief. Take your signal from them.

If they want to be light and airy, that’s fine. Maybe they are tired of always being the grieving person and want to laugh like everyone else.

If they want to be sad or down, that’s fine too – and it’s not an invitation for you to try to cheer them up.

People grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way, and having someone do it his or her own way is a huge relief for many.

I remember a father whose daughter had died in a car accident and talked about how people had quickly abandoned him in the aftermath. They simply felt overwhelmed by the tragedy and didn’t know what to say.

And then there was his one true friend, who stayed with him and allowed him to be whatever he wanted, while he continued to deal with his grief, even through the worst pain.

The man described his friend as a “witness” to his grief and found it incredibly helpful for someone to just be with him, without trying to change or make it better.

So don’t try to ‘fix’ things; people often feel obliged to make the person feel better at the end of a conversation, and this often leads to clumsy or insensitive statements or banal platitudes that are more likely to irritate or annoy.

Whatever you do, try not to make it about you – and be careful when comparing their experience to the one you’ve had.

If you haven’t dealt with it in a long time and haven’t contacted anyone yet, you can still just reach out and apologize. Christmas is the perfect time to do this.

Don’t make an excuse, simply say you didn’t know what to say, but now realize it was the wrong thing to do and you’re sorry.

What about the cheerful card you usually send them? It just doesn’t feel right to wish them a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year when neither is the case. Much easier to just cross them off the Christmas card list, right?

But suddenly not getting cards only emphasizes how alone they are now. Instead, send flowers or a plant, with a short note: “Just to let you know I’m thinking of you right now.” Or be honest: “It’s hard to know what to write because a Merry Christmas doesn’t seem appropriate, but I want you to know that you are in my thoughts.”

The greatest gift you can give someone at Christmas who is a grieving person is to let them grieve on their own terms, and not turn your back on them.

It doesn’t sound that difficult, but it’s surprising how many of us struggle with it.

Ian Hislop has been injured after being hit by an e-bike while crossing the road. I have had two elderly patients who were injured – one very seriously – after collisions with e-bikes. When are we going to tackle them?

How to defeat beastly winter lurgy

Have you had this horrible lurgy that seems to be going around? It’s almost bad enough to be a real flu, but not quite.

I had to deal with it last week, and large numbers of my colleagues are now free of it. At least we’re in good company.

Kirstie Allsopp has complained of a ‘chest infection/lurgy’ like she’s never had before, adding that she tried to find another celebrity to replace her at a Christmas carol concert but couldn’t because so many of them were sick were.

“It seems like it’s hit the celebrity circuit especially hard,” she said.

Despite all the progress in recent decades, a cure remains elusive. So what works if you have one of these infections?

I recommend rest, plenty of fluids, paracetamol, Difflam spray for a sore throat and Lotil for chapped skin. Also some good old black and white movies while relaxing on the couch.

I cherish a photo of my nephew Monty, peering out of a cardboard box at the age of three. I sent my sister a large box of gifts, and he played in it for an entire hour while his actual gift lay untouched. For him it was a car, or a spaceship or a submarine.

Research shows that basic gifts like blocks or boxes are better for toddlers than gadgets because they engage the imagination and promote neurological development.

This Christmas, throw away the screens and keep the boxes they came in!

Dr. Max writes for…

If you’re looking for somewhere to take the kids on holiday, try the Wellcome Collection in London, with exhibitions about the human body.

I think it’s a hidden gem. There is a fantastic exhibition by artist Jason Wilsher-Mills about his personal experiences with disability and medicine until the end of January.