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Dame Sheila Hancock has caused a stir by asking when it became fashionable to cry in public. The 89-year-old actress said crying has now become a ‘badge of honour’. I tend to agree: I’m not sure all this gushy excitement is really in our best interests.
The occasional small talk is fine, but the modern fashion for bursting into tears is quite disconcerting. We despise button-downs these days for good reason, but let’s not forget that wallowing in self-pity doesn’t accomplish anything either.
I also think this modern tear trend is partly about showing other people how connected you are to your emotions. It is performative, rather than a true expression of anguish.
As Dame Sheila said, everything has become a bit “hollow and meaningless”. She has a point.
Dame Sheila Hancock (pictured) has caused a stir by asking when it became fashionable to cry in public
I think of my Nan and the terrible hardships and traumas she endured in life. Not only did I never hear her complain about her, she didn’t even know the half of her until after she died.
He never talked about it, let alone cried. She knew he couldn’t change what had happened, but she could go on living the rest of her life. And surely that is the best way?
But even though I wish people wouldn’t get carried away by their sadness, I find crying fascinating. French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre wrote a book on emotion in which he suggested that crying is actually a response to something we can’t, or won’t, articulate. We cry when we can’t find the words to express what we are really feeling.
Sometimes being moved by a movie or a song allows people to connect with the parts of themselves they keep hidden: all those disappointments, regrets, and painful memories. When we are confronted with them, instead of articulating what we feel, we cry.
Dr. Max Pemberton (above): I also think this modern trend of tears is, in part, about showing other people how connected you are to your emotions.
Tears are a way to express these emotions without having to deal with them.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this. In many ways it is perfectly healthy. Sometimes we just don’t have the time or energy to deal with all of our inner demons.
But there comes a time when it’s time to put away the handkerchief and force yourself to really say what you feel; face whatever is bothering you.
I always knew I was gay, but the enormity of what it really meant only struck me when I was 14 years old. The idea horrified me. Every night after school, before my parents came home from work, I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry silently for exactly one hour.
One day, after doing this for almost a year, I had a moment of clarity: crying hadn’t changed anything. The situation was exactly the same. As I could see it, there were two options: I could kill myself or just accept that I was gay and move on with my life.
I reasoned that suicide is a final decision, so giving the other option a try made more sense.
I remember what a relief it was to have fixed that problem by thinking about it instead of just crying about it. I stood up, went downstairs and never cried in the bathroom again. Something that had felt overwhelming and insurmountable suddenly felt less.
The process of forcing myself to think carefully and logically about what was making me sad and finding a solution brought me peace of mind and comfort.
There were moments when I felt sad, but then I would remind myself that I had thought all this through and came up with a plan.
In fact, I’ve never been one to cry since. I try to remember what Sartre said and consider what it is that makes me cry. I make a concerted effort to think carefully about what is really going on. What is stirring in me?
Sometimes just understanding and acknowledging it is enough. It also helps me understand myself a little better.
Other times, it means that I am able to see a problem or issue and, just as I did in the bathroom all those years ago, I think about it carefully and try to find a solution.
I encourage my patients to do the same. They are always allowed to cry in my clinic, of course, but then I ask them to try to articulate what they couldn’t say at the time. It’s often very painful, but when you ask someone to explain what’s bothering them, the result can be surprising.
The tears fade and people seem to have more control as they struggle to find the words to describe their feelings.
It’s hard, yes, but it’s the only way people can address deep-seated issues.
It’s good to cry sometimes, but it’s even better to talk. This is how problems are solved.
Oh lily how small do you know!
Singer Lily Allen, daughter of Keith Allen, has hit back at critics of ‘nepo babies’, children who make it big thanks to their parents’ money and connections. She said: ‘In childhood we long for stability and love, nurture; we still don’t care about money or proximity to power. Many of the nepo babies lack these basic things in infancy because their parents are probably narcissistic.
I have worked with children of wealthy parents who feel they did not receive enough emotional support. But it struck me how little Lily and other privileged offspring seem to know about the struggles of people who don’t have wealthy, connected parents.
Earlier this year I was giving revision advice to an incredibly bright young man who is aiming to study Medicine at Oxbridge and I suggested that he put up posters of the topics he was studying. He seemed uncomfortable until finally he explained that he lived in temporary housing and was not allowed to put things on the wall. He shared a room with two brothers, had no desk and had to do his homework in the library. Puts Lily’s moan into perspective, doesn’t it?
For many of us, the time between Christmas and New Years is when we write our ‘Thank You’ letters. Of course, this habit has gone out of style and many people send a text instead.
But whatever form it takes, gratitude is a vital habit. Countless studies have shown a strong association between gratitude and long-term mental well-being. Focusing on the positive increases self-esteem and reduces anger, envy, and regret. And expressing thanks helps you solidify old friendships and form new ones. So along with your gifts, make a list of all the other things in life you’re grateful for, and say a quiet ‘Thank you’ for those, too.
Many of us will regret indulging ourselves on Christmas Day. Women in particular are prone to feeling guilty about having eaten too much. But this attitude does not help. Take a break. Healthy living is about long-term, sustained changes, so don’t beat yourself up if you’ve consumed more chocs than you should. It’s okay to have a guilt-free day or two now and then.
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