DR MAX PEMBERTON: How to keep your marriage alive with your partner is a workaholic

Being married to Kevin Costner has been a fantasy for many women over the years I’m sure. You can imagine them looking at their man sprawled on the couch – an empty pizza box and a half-eaten bag of chips beside him as he belches and asks them to pass another beer – and tiptoe into another room go to watch Dances With Wolves.

But maybe being married to the heartthrob isn’t as perfect as they imagine. The 68-year-old is said to have been ‘blindsided’ after Christine Baumgartner, his wife to whom he had been married for 18 years, filed for divorce last week.

Some blame the “friction” caused by the actor’s grueling filming schedule for the hit TV show Yellowstone, with his wife reportedly fed up with his work commitments.

I suspect many people reading this know what it feels like to have a partner who seems more married to work than they are. Sure, people’s jobs can be really brutal at times, but it’s telling that not everyone with a demanding job lets them take over.

I know many doctors – myself included – who work long, stressful hours while maintaining happy, healthy relationships. Being married to a busy person is one thing, but living with a workaholic is another.

There is a sense that they choose to prioritize work over you. It’s hard not to take it to heart.

Why some people struggle to balance work and private life is a complex question. Sometimes it stems from a need for approval from others and a desire to provide. It can also be a tactic to avoid intimacy, or to distract from problems.

Whatever the underlying cause, I’ve seen many couples cite this as a reason for marital conflict.

The first thing I do is encourage the workaholic to pause and think about why things are getting out of hand and maybe seek help to investigate the underlying issues. But the other person in the relationship can also take steps to help him or her cope with life with a partner who can’t find a healthy work-life balance.

Here’s what I recommend:

Tell them how you feel

I’ve often seen couples where one partner is deeply upset that the other is working all the time, only to reveal that they never told their partner how they feel. The workaholic is often shocked, thinking they were on the same wavelength when it came to putting in hours to provide for their family. Calmly explain how you feel. Avoid accusations or inflammatory language, as this can push the person further away.

Say what you want

Think about what expectations you have of your partner. Do they have to be there every night to put the kids to bed? No emails after 9pm? Try to negotiate some rules about working hours and obligations. Be realistic about their work schedule.

Put a date in the diary to meet in a few weeks to see if the new routine works. If they don’t play by the rules, don’t respond at this point; discuss it in the check in time.

Meet their colleagues

It’s easier to gauge what’s going on and how much of your partner’s work time is really needed if you know the people they work with. You’ll also get an idea if their boss has unreasonable expectations.

Make it cozy at home

By letting them enjoy the time spent at home, they are more likely to look forward to it and see it as a place to relax.

Compare diaries

Doing this will help you predict when they’ll be free and when they won’t be, and you’ll avoid any nasty surprises – and you can also plan to spend time together.

Make time together

Ask them to agree to a routine so you know there is time sacred for both of you, or you as a family, during the week. Make it clear that this is a special time and that working during this time is not acceptable. Start small – say Sunday brunch as a family with a walk after – and take it from there.

. . . And make it special

make sure the time you spend together is fun – find interests or hobbies to share.

Avoid comparisons

Comparing yourself to other couples is useless. You are unlikely to know everything about their relationship, and this can make your partner feel inadequate. You then run the risk of your partner finding reasons to justify their behavior – and this escalates into a fight.

Don’t stop feeling guilty

It’s tempting to make things easier for a workaholic. But don’t downplay it if your partner misses important events. If you do, you’re just waving a green flag for this behavior.

Ask for help

If this doesn’t work and their workaholism is ingrained, consider marriage counseling – a calm, neutral space to explore your feelings and also let them talk openly. In the end, you have to decide what you really want from a relationship – and if they can provide it. If your partner can’t find time to attend, I suggest going alone to find what’s best for you.

AI CANNOT BEAT OUR DOCS YET

The recent explosion of AI has left many people wondering which jobs, if any, are safe from the seemingly unstoppable boom. I must confess I felt rather smug about this – doctors could never be replaced by a machine could they?

Sure, I can see how AI could interpret scans or blood tests, but, I thought, it could never replace the five senses. Maybe I spoke too soon.

New research from the University of California found that AI-assisted messaging systems were more empathetic and gave better advice than medics.

However, I would suggest that AI is not yet about to take over from doctors. Much of medicine is about appreciating the subtle signals people give you, understanding what their illness means to them and how it affects their lives.

It’s about knowing when they need a shoulder to cry on. It often involves a kind gesture, and making people feel understood.

Medicine isn’t just a science – it’s an art that rests on a deep understanding of the human condition, and we’re still a long way from computers that can master it.

Good news about Alzheimer’s treatment. A new drug, donanemab, has been shown to slow the worsening of symptoms by up to 35 percent. Major progress – but the NHS will need to think hard about how to ensure patients are treated without overwhelming services and exhausting dementia budgets

Leading up to the coronation, of course, there were many articles about the King and Queen detailing their lives. However, one thing particularly struck me: Queen Camilla writes about 2,000 letters each year. This is not, it was explained, because she can’t handle email, but because “she gets the power of something that falls on the doormat with her name and stationery” and the fact that she has spent time on it. A woman to my heart!

There is something magical about receiving a letter. Putting pen to paper makes people feel special, unlike email and texts.

DR MAX WRITES…

BOOK SELLING MACHINE

A vending machine in Exeter St. David train station doesn’t dispense the usual junk food, but… . . books. It was installed by publisher Penguin Random House and has a wide variety of literature. The money raised will go to the independent bookshop Bookbag and Exeter City of Literature, which promotes literacy. It is such a success that there are plans for more. I like the idea of ​​vending machines that provide food for the mind.