Does your partner think you’re bad in bed? Our sex expert reveals the six signs you’re a let down – and how you can be better

By William On Mar 24, 2024

How do you know if you’re – whisper it – bad in bed? Are you concerned that you are inexperienced, or that your loved one is not satisfied with having sex with you? Or maybe you think they’re the one with the problem because they’re inconsiderate or unenthusiastic between the sheets.

What is certain is that neither situation is good for your love life.

New data from sex education website Beducated, Decoding Desire, shows that 60 percent of respondents are unhappy with their sex lives. The care? Your husband or wife could be among this majority who wishes their sex life was better.

Sex and relationship psychotherapist Miranda Christophers guides many people who are afraid that they are ‘bad in bed’.

She says, “It’s crushing. It also leads to fear of failure, which is counterproductive. You want to have a carefree and open sexual experience, where you feel good and safe.’

Here, Ms. Christophers explains six common obstacles to great sex, and how to get the chemistry bubbling again…

New data from sex education website Beducated’s Decoding Desire survey shows that 60 percent of respondents are unhappy with their sex lives

You can only do it when the lights are off

When you lack self-confidence, you don’t feel free to be open or spontaneous, making you less responsive. Maybe you insist on having sex in the dark or under the covers. It can help to focus on what you like and what feels good.

Setting the mood with music or candles can make you feel sexier, as well as your confidence in your relationship. Knowing what your partner likes about sex with you can be a boost. Respond to their desires.

In the middle of passion, you remember to wash…

Some people need a tidy house before they can enjoy sex and give it their full attention. So be aware of what distracts you in the middle of passion.

We experience sex as good when we feel relaxed, excited and immersed. Good sex is also about being connected: losing yourself in the pleasure of it, not even thinking about your next move, as if you were dancing together. If you do get distracted, acknowledge that it’s happening, notice it, and practice thinking, “I’m going to focus on my physical sensations.”

You never talk about sex

If you feel too embarrassed to discuss sex with your partner or ask a question, you’re not sure what he or she likes or wants.

Maybe you like quickies, while they like to take their time. Have you checked? I see this often in long-term relationships. People are open and talkative early on, but then quietly fall into patterns around sex. It becomes predictable, a bit boring, not quite what you want. Talking may feel uncomfortable and requires care and tact, but it is important.

You stick to your proven technique

Your last partner loved that special technique of yours, so it’s natural to think, “I know what I’m doing and which buttons to press.”

But actually, sex is a blank canvas with every partner. You start over and learn together – and keep learning. This also applies if you have been married for decades. Preferences can change as bodies change. How sensitive your partner is and how he or she wants to be touched is constantly evolving.

Your partner is rarely in the mood

Some people have ‘compulsory sex’ because they know their partner will get angry if they don’t. Yes, it’s crushing to your self-confidence if you’re always the one persuading the other person to go to bed.

Consent means that both partners want sex equally. But there are many reasons why desire levels vary. If you prefer sex in the morning, and your partner prefers it in the evening, you need to talk about it and find something that works for both.

If you’ve had an argument or they’re stressed, they might not feel like it. Try not to see it as a rejection. If you can also tune into what helps your partner feel desire (a fun evening together, without a sense of sexual obligation?), your libidos can sync up more often.

You feel ashamed when you don’t ‘perform’

Good sex is not a show. Take the pressure off yourself. Most people prefer real connection, intimacy and fun. Men worry about maintaining an erection, and it’s easy for both parties to become too focused on their partner’s pleasure.

Instead, focus on the physical sensations you experience. If you continue to learn what you and your partner like, you will naturally no longer worry about performance.

Miranda Christophers, mirandachristophers.co.uk, is the founder of The Therapy Yard. thetherapyyard.co.uk

Beducated is an online platform for sex education for adults. The full results of their Decoding Desire study can be found at beducated.com

How do you talk about (bad) sex?

If you are dissatisfied with your sex life, how can you discuss this constructively? I work with clients who say to their partner during sex: ‘You always want the same position, you are never enthusiastic’.

Don’t be critical and never shame the other person. It is hurtful, unkind and self-destructive. People can’t be “good” in bed – relaxed, engaged, immersed – if they feel judged or emotionally unsafe.

Be positive. You might say, “I would love it if we tried this.” Or ‘show me how you want to be touched.’ You might say, “Remember when we did that on vacation?” I loved that.’ Think about what ingredients made it so much fun. Connect with what made you both feel good.

If your partner suggests something you don’t want to do, instead of crying, “That’s disgusting,” say, “That doesn’t really appeal to me, but what do you like about it?” Can we approach it in a different way?’ Work together and try to understand.