At first glance, Brooke Shields seems to have it all. Beauty, money, a successful career, a family, the respect of her peers. But the reality is very different.
In a documentary that aired last week, she was scorchingly honest about how she posed nude at age 10 and was raped at 22. She documented being thrust into the limelight by her alcoholic mother at such a young age and revealed the impact it had on her mental state.
But while the viewing public watched with deep sympathy, her 16-year-old daughter reportedly reacted very differently.
According to Shields, now 57, she “was indignant at the things I kept from her” and “sobbed and ran out of the room.”
Of course, it’s understandable that you were so upset. But it begs the question: Do children have the right to know everything about their parents?
According to Shields, now 57, she “was indignant at the things I kept from her” and she “sobbed and ran out of the room”
Granted, maybe discovering everything in a documentary wasn’t the best way to find out. But I totally understand why Shields would have kept some of those things from her daughter.
At what age would you sit down and reveal what happened? When is the right and wrong time?
While a child may have a right to know, the fact is, it’s the parent’s story.
Part of growing up is understanding that there are parts of your parents you know nothing about; there are aspects they keep from you. It can feel like betrayal, but more often than not it stems from a desire to protect the child.
It is also very difficult to discuss traumatic topics with loved ones when you may not have worked through or processed it yourself. I had a patient in his 70s who was horrified to discover years after his death that her father was in fact living a secret life. He was gay and had love affairs with other men all his life, but his daughter was completely unaware of it.
She had been devoted to him and felt they were close – she felt deeply betrayed that he hadn’t confided in her.
After her discovery, she looked back on their relationship and felt like she had never really known him after all. She was devastated – but I could understand why her father had kept this a secret from her.
I’m sure he was very ashamed. He was born in a time when being gay was illegal and discovery would have cost him his career.
In a documentary that aired last week, she was scorchingly honest about how she posed nude at age 10 and was raped at age 22.
Dr. Max Pemberton, pictured, says communication should be key with age — especially when it comes to trauma
From what she told me, it seemed that his way of dealing with his sexuality was to shield it for the rest of his life. I understood why she was upset, but I also understood why he decided to hide it from her.
It wasn’t easy for her, but over time she realized that the fact that her father had hidden this part of himself from her in no way diminished his love for her.
In the end, she understood that her father’s secret didn’t invalidate their relationship – it was just completely separate from it. While this is an extreme example, most parents face dilemmas about what to tell their children about their lives.
Parents are, of course, entitled to their own privacy. Part of being an adult is coming to terms with the fact that none of us can absolutely, truly, know anyone else, no matter how much we love them and they love us. It’s human nature to withhold a little of ourselves sometimes.
However, the evidence suggests that you should think very carefully about lying to your children.
While a white lie may seem prudent in the short term to protect them from something troubling, when the truth comes out – which it usually does – and the lie is revealed, it leaves them wondering where else you got them. cheated with. That the lie has been told with good intentions means little to a child.
While an adult may be able to understand the difference between the motivation to protect a child and a lie designed to deceive and harm someone, children often have trouble making this distinction. For them, a lie, regardless of motivation, erodes fundamental trust. Psychologically it feels like an act of betrayal and duplicity and this can be difficult to recover from.
Again, that doesn’t mean you have to tell your kids everything. In fact, I’ve often found that children have a hard time when their parents tell them too much, often because the child then feels the need to educate the parent, and begins to be used as an unintentional support system.
It’s a tricky balancing act between telling your child what they need to know and not overwhelming or burdening them. It is vital to find the right level of information to reveal to a child depending on their age.
Communication should be age appropriate. And of course, different kids have different maturity levels and this is also important to consider.
But if you can get it right, confiding in your child about a traumatic event in your life can actually be something very positive for them.
Several studies have shown that involving children in discussions about difficult topics, such as trauma, has helped build stronger family bonds, help them develop resilience, form quality relationships, and have higher overall life satisfaction.
What parent wouldn’t want that for their child?
NO WOMAN SHOULD MISS A BREAST SCAN
Women are missing out on breast cancer scans because the NHS is now asking them to book appointments themselves through ‘open invites’. Before the pandemic, all women had mammogram appointments with a set date and time.
No doubt the new system is intended to reduce the number of no shows, but I am very concerned that the most vulnerable will miss it. A survey last week found that in London alone, an estimated 12,000 women have missed breast screening due to open invitations in just seven months.
I feel very conflicted about this. I’m a big believer in letting people make unwise decisions if they want to and not coddling them. Yes, of course we all have to take responsibility for our health. But it’s all too easy to put off, forget, or get confused by the process.
Not everyone has access to the internet and it can be difficult to access services on the phone. I fear this change will lead to more breast cancers that could have been treated earlier.
Tomorrow there will be new strikes from doctors in training, who walk away for four days and demand a 35 percent wage increase. I understand their frustration and many of their complaints are valid.
But I also believe that strikes are not the solution, especially just after the Easter holidays. Those who will suffer are patients, who have already suffered so much disruption from the pandemic. I am annoyed at the BMA, which for years has done little to improve the wages and conditions of young doctors.
They now compensate for this with unrealistic demands. I am also afraid that this has become political. There is a sense that, as MP and ex-NHS psychiatrist Ben Spencer has said, ‘the BMA cares more about politics than patients’.
Carol Vorderman says she feels able to shrug off personal criticism after gaining a thick skin from “being butchered for 40 years.” “Either you go down, which I never will, or it gives you a superpower,” she says. Good for her! The art of life is learning how to build resilience and resistance to unfriendly attacks.
DR MAX WRITES…
WAY TO READ
It invites people to read for 30 minutes a week for ten weeks, to make it a habit. It starts on April 23. For information, visit worldbooknight.org. Stock image used
Reading seems to be going out of style, but I think curling up with a book is good for us. It helps us explore new worlds and requires sustained focus, an essential skill. If you’re struggling with this, consider Road To Reading by The Reading Agency. It invites people to read for 30 minutes a week for ten weeks, to make it a habit. It starts on April 23. For information, visit worldbooknight.org.