While watching my son play soccer one Sunday morning, about six weeks after my husband and I had separated, the father of one of his teammates, who was standing next to me, whispered, “I can’t talk to you today because my wife is here and she won’t like it.”
Stunned, I told him I didn’t understand what he meant. “She thinks you’re going to play a game with me now that you’re getting a divorce,” he added, rolling his eyes. I was dejected, but I wouldn’t have thought of confronting his wife and causing trouble.
Ever since my son had joined the team a few years earlier, I’d enjoyed making small talk on the sidelines with other adults—moms, dads, grandparents—but I’d never tried to lure another man away from his wife or partner, and now that I was single, I wasn’t about to. Still, I got the feeling that this was personal and not a comment you’d make to any single or recently divorced woman.
To be completely honest, I’m the first to admit that I flirt with everyone, be they men, women, your mother, father, aunt or uncle, writes the divorced woman (photo from archive)
I will be the first to admit that I was definitely not trying to seduce the men I was chatting with, although I can come across as flirtatious. This was the first time anyone gave even the slightest hint that I was seen as a threat now that I was single.
However, the husband of one of the school mothers did come at me once because he had misjudged my sense of touch. I made it very clear to him that touching his arm during a conversation was not an advance on my part.
I even thought long and hard about telling his wife, but I decided it was better not to. Would she have believed me anyway?
Unfortunately, the “scarlet woman” label didn’t stop there. As I tried to process the divorce and build a new life with three children under the age of nine, I found myself no longer being invited to events and dinners with the circle of married friends that my husband and I had been part of when we were together. This despite the fact that many of them were [itals] Mine [itals] originally friends.
I tried to keep in touch with those friends, but the responses were cold and I felt left out.
Even those who knew me best took offense to the new me, the one with an ex-husband and no wedding ring. Fundamentally, I don’t think I changed, but perhaps I came across as happier and more confident because I was no longer in a loveless marriage.
During a much-needed night out with good friends in a village pub, not long after divorce proceedings began in 2014, one of my friends, let’s call her Laura, asked if we could step outside for a chat. Slightly bewildered, I followed her into the pub garden, where she asked me, “Why are you so keen on Emma’s new boyfriend Nick?” adding that she had seen me laughing with him and touching his arm as we chatted.
Emma has been my best friend since we met in elementary school, almost 40 years ago. We’ve been through everything together, so I was stunned by Laura’s accusation.
‘Oh come on Laura, you know me well, I’m just nice to everyone,’ was my reply, even though I was broken inside and as my tears started to fall I couldn’t stop crying. Emma’s parents and siblings were also in the pub with us that night, as our families have been close for decades, so it was only right that I would forge a bond with her partner.
Too upset to be back in the pub with them, I went home. The next day I called Emma and told her what Laura had said to me. ‘I’m sure she didn’t mean it, she should know you would never try to prey on anyone’s husband, let alone mine,’ was Emma’s reassuring reply.
She and everyone who was there and knew me well knew that I can flirt without any intention. Maybe a stranger would see it differently, I see that now.
The next time I saw Nick and Emma – who are now married – I felt the need to tell him what Laura had said and how it had hurt me terribly because it was not something I would ever do. He simply said, ‘We all know you’re just being nice and friendly, it sounds like Laura is insecure and the one with the problem!’
That’s not to say that it’s only insecure women who notice or are bothered by it, but perhaps someone who has a reason to feel insecure is more likely to be critical of others. When there’s trust and security in a relationship, every third party becomes irrelevant.
And sure enough, Laura warned me about her own husband a few weeks later at another meeting of the same group. There was no specific incident, she just grabbed me on my way to the bar and made her feelings known. Maybe she just didn’t like me, I’ll never know because I haven’t spoken to her since.
Being dumped and ostracized by friends and acquaintances was a second devastating abandonment I was not prepared for after my husband left, ironically at a time when friendship was more important than ever. In fact, I was distraught. Another high school mom was getting divorced around the same time, so we were naturally drawn to each other, as were a few other single friends and I. Platonic male friends and a few of my married girlfriends also supported me.
My husband and I were married for eight years and together for 17 – we met in high school – when he left ten years ago, leaving me alone with three children, ages three, five and nine. As you can imagine, I needed my friends desperately, and even exchanging casual chitchat with others, like the dad at the football game, was a distraction from my grief.
For the record, I am the first to admit that I flirt with everyone, whether it is men, women, your mother, father, aunt or uncle. But by flirting I mean that I am warm, friendly, fun and confident. But I can imagine that ‘flirting’ can be misconstrued by some people, although I do not apologize for it, because it is part of who I am and I always do it innocently.
Problems only arose when I became single, because people suddenly and inexplicably began to misinterpret my kindness and love of complimenting others on their appearance or accomplishments as predatory. On top of that, I have a successful career in real estate and take good care of my appearance, always doing my hair and makeup and wearing heels even to school.
I’ll be the first to admit that while I certainly wasn’t trying to seduce any of the men I chatted with, I could still come across as flirtatious, writes the anonymous divorcee
I think a lot of these women were just judging and wary of me because I put in the effort and am considered attractive. No one cares about a slob who has let herself go flirting with her husband – I don’t mean they should ‘groom’ themselves, but we all need to make an effort to take care of ourselves. There have been times in my life when I have felt sad or down and lost interest in my appearance, I have put on jeans, a baggy top and flats and paid little attention to my hair and make-up and eventually I have started to feel unattractive and even unlovable.
And then along comes a confident, well-groomed woman who talks openly to both men and women. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you can quickly see it as a threat.
I quickly became persona non grata at the school gates too, picking up vibes from other mothers, who I had spent years hanging out with on playdates and parties with our children, and on childless nights out. Worst of all was the impact on my children, who were excluded from playdates almost overnight.
Those who concluded that I had suddenly cast myself in the role of temptress were so far off the mark. In reality, I was so devastated by the divorce that male attention of anything other than a platonic nature was the last thing I wanted at that moment.
At that time I didn’t miss the company of men at all. My children and building a new life for us were my priorities.
For two years I spent so much energy defending myself and trying to convince others that I wasn’t really looking for a married man. I withdrew socially and went out less often to avoid being dumped by more people. A year after my marriage broke up I went to my GP and was put on a course of antidepressants. I also started seeing a therapist to get my confidence and self-esteem back. It had really gotten to me.
Now that I have been happily remarried for five years, I am still the same happy, outgoing, talkative person that I have always been. The difference is that now that I am part of a couple, I get invited to a lot of “couples” events, but I always make sure to include my single or divorced friends, because I know how much they depend on that connection.
If I noticed one of them flirting – or seeming to flirt – with my husband, I wouldn’t worry, whether they’re single or not, because we have so much trust between us. Flirting, in my opinion, is absolutely fine, while trying to do it with someone else is different and unacceptable.
I am determined to never lose sight of the fact that I am a kind, confident, outgoing person who also happens to be warm and tactile. This means that I may touch your husband’s arm when I talk to him, but it certainly does not mean that I am trying to get him into bed – and that would be the same if I were married or single. I now see that some women may not stick around to discover the subtle distinction.
People are free to do what they want, they are responsible for their own behavior. It is absolutely their problem and I will not withdraw from anyone socially anymore.
- As told to Sadie Nicholas