Debate sparked over why people are ‘nasty’ to housewives

One woman has sparked an online debate after saying stay-at-home wives and mothers are often targeted by vitriol — leading some to say they’d be “devastated” if their kids chose not to work.

The anonymous UK-based poster took to the parenting forum mumsnet to gather opinions on the divisive topic by sharing a post with the title [Am I being unreasonable] not to understand the misery that being a housewife creates.

She wrote: ‘Not just on Mumsnet. I don’t even use Mumsnet that often, but I see this on other social media websites as well.

“When a woman shares something positive about being a housewife, it’s full of comments about how ‘being controlled by a man can’t be me!’ “No thanks, I like my independence” or “just wait until he leaves you, then what”.

“If a woman shares something negative about it, it’s ‘Look, this is why being a housewife is terrible’ (but no one would say, ‘This is why having a career is terrible!’ if someone complained about their job).

“I saw someone say before that they would be devastated if their daughter wanted to be a stay-at-home mom.

‘Why does it cause such a vitriol? Other women who choose this don’t force anyone else, I don’t understand the total lack of respect for people’s decisions and the lack of understanding that different people like different things.’

The post sparked mixed reactions, with a number of forum users questioning the claim that stay-at-home women and mothers are recipients of such vitriol, with some noting that working mothers are also criticized.

One wrote: ‘Who is mean? Are there more posts complaining about the misery than the nasty posts themselves?’

Another added: ‘I have been mainly SAHP/housewife for the past 25 years and have never received funny comments from people. My DH was lucky enough to be able to retire at 55 and now neither of us are working.”

And a third said, ‘I haven’t seen much of that — and what there is is offset by the ‘oh, it’s so awful taking your kids to daycare’. many people have been SAHM for at least a few years, so it can’t be seen that special.’

However, some agreed, suggesting that the poster was right and that those who stay at home – as wives or as parents – are often criticized.

Someone wrote: ‘I also have no idea why people can be mean about SAHMs and housewives.

“There are probably many reasons. Maybe jealousy because you don’t have a choice, maybe a lack of trust in men in general (e.g. if you’ve been cheated on before, or the product of divorced parents, etc.), maybe working hard to get into a certain place at work to come and not understand how anyone could decide to give that up for kids/housework etc.”

Another said: ‘Apparently I am both a terrible person and a victim because I am a housewife/SAHM. I do everything for my husband, including laying out his clothes in the morning and preparing all his meals. He rarely cooks or cleans, but has a list of tasks he can’t do. But apparently I’m being abused by him. I chose and still choose this life! And I get to spend his money in return.

“I find that the people who are most upset are usually the bitter ones who want to be traditional but can’t/won’t.”

And a third simply said, “It’s jealousy (but they’ll never admit it).”

Others suggested that much of the negativity surrounding stay-at-home women probably stemmed from a concern about such people depending on their partners and missing out on the potential job satisfaction.

One admitted: ‘I voted you’re not unreasonable, but I’d be devastated if my daughter wanted to be a housewife. Children are so short young and benefit from socialization. Plus, work can be so satisfying and affirming. I could work part time when my kids were little and then full time. My husband made a lot of money and he left me after 16 years of marriage. I think I would have died if I didn’t have the support, routine and continuity of work, let alone the pension I could save because of it. In the modern world, sahm make themselves extremely vulnerable.’

Another added: ‘The way you describe it is exaggerated and I agree with their own opinion, but I agree with the poster who said she would be devastated if her daughter chose that path. It’s a path I would never consider for myself either. Only because living on someone else’s whim fills me with fear.’

And a third wrote: ‘If my children stay healthy, I would hate it if they were financially dependent on a partner. I hope neither my son nor daughter end up as sahps. I also think it is a sexist construct as there are still many more sahds than sahds. It adds to the gender pay gap and inequality that I hate. It is a hugely vulnerable position in the long run, no matter how much protection people think they have put in place.

“Individually, I understand why some people end up having to choose the sah role. And I love my sahm friends as much as I love those who work. My opposition to the sahm role is nothing personal.’