DEAR JANE: I stole my best friend’s baby name before she had the chance to use it – and she’s furious! Why can’t she see that it should be mine?

Dear Jane,

Mine best friend and i have known each other since we were eight – and now we don’t even speak anymore. Help!

We grew up next to each other, went to the same schools and our families have always been close.

As children, we spent a lot of time with her grandmother, Mae, who lived nearby and was happy to take care of us.

After school we baked cookies and did crafts at her house, and visited her on weekends and during the holidays.

When she passed away last year, we were both inconsolable.

Now my girlfriend and I are both 30 and married. She has a two-year-old son and I am about to give birth to a daughter.

Shortly after Mae passed away, I became pregnant and it was clear to me that I would name my daughter after her.

I told my best friend about the plan when I was seven months pregnant, thinking she would be touched by the gesture.

Instead, she was furious.

She yelled at me that she planned to use the name Mae if she ever had a daughter and accused me of “stealing” her grandmother’s name.

I was shocked and hurt, but I didn’t give up.

I loved her grandma like she was my own. I am also the one who is about to give birth to a baby girl; my best friend doesn’t even know if she will ever have one.

I explained all this to her, but she only got angrier and eventually stormed out of my house.

We haven’t spoken since then.

I have tried calling her several times and I have sent her so many messages, but she is not responding.

My due date is fast approaching and I have no idea what to do. She is like a sister to me and I wish she was there for the birth.

I’ve been thinking about it since our argument, but I don’t think she’s ever said she wants to name her daughter Mae.

I love the name and don’t want to give it up, but I also don’t want to lose my boyfriend.

Should I tell her I won’t use the name, or should I stick to my guns and hope she changes her mind?

By,

Sad friend

Dear sad friend,

First of all congratulations on your pregnancy. I am very sorry that it is being disrupted by a difficult situation.

Baby names are particularly sensitive topics, especially when they involve the memory of a beloved family member or friend.

I can feel how much you loved Mae and thought of her, not as your friend’s grandmother, but as your own grandmother.

Of course, it makes perfect sense that you would pay tribute to the woman you loved by naming your daughter after her.

But that is not the only consideration.

No matter how attached you are to your baby’s name, at the end of the day it’s just a name.

Your friendship, where you are like sisters, is a rare and beautiful gift.

It would be a great tragedy to throw it away because of a name. It would leave a huge hole in your life.

And the fact that your girlfriend has never had a daughter doesn’t matter.

She has told you that if she has a girl, she wants to name her after her beloved grandmother and she doesn’t like it if you do the same.

That should be enough.

It is also irrelevant that she never told you about her intentions.

Remember, you never told her about your intentions either.

Out of respect for your friend and the best way to honor Mae’s memory is to prioritize your friendship.

Let your girlfriend name her future daughter, even if she isn’t born yet, after her grandmother.

Maybe a compromise needs to be made. Ask your girlfriend if she would be comfortable with you using Mae as your middle name instead of your first.

Whatever her answer, respecting her wishes will lead to a deeper, safer, more trusting friendship with a woman who is already family.

Wouldn’t Mae be proud?

Dear Jane,

I am a happy, single, successful woman in my thirties with a group of fun, cheerful friends.

We love to celebrate together: we go out for a nice meal or take special trips for important birthdays.

The only problem is that most of my friends are in relationships, and we always split the bills equally.

It’s starting to become a problem.

I drink considerably less than the others (especially the men) or sometimes not at all.

I also generally order less food and skip dessert for health reasons.

Sometimes the price difference between our meals is significant.

As a single person, with one income to pay rent and other expenses, I have to be careful, even though I earn a good salary.

I don’t think it’s fair that I have to foot the bill for someone else’s big appetite or heavy drinking friend.

But I didn’t raise the issue because I didn’t want to be a spoilsport.

Now a friend is turning 40 and she wants us to plan a luxury trip abroad.

Of course, everyone is on board – money is no object for them. But after hotels, planes, taxis, meals, excursions and other expenses, it can add up to more than $2,000.

How do I tactfully inform my friends that splitting bills is disproportionately impacting me? I don’t want to stop hanging out with them — but I also want them to understand where I’m coming from.

By,

Money between friends

Best Money Between Friends,

This is a common problem and one I have received letters about before.

Most of us have been in a similar situation at some point – maybe not as often as you – where we go out to eat and a large bill comes in.

I already get a bit of a bad feeling when I realize that the bill has been split equally, even though I haven’t tasted a drop of the expensive wine, for example.

It is perfectly reasonable to feel uncomfortable about having to pay for someone else’s consumption.

However, there is no easy way to get around this.

It starts with choosing which events you attend.

Avoid dinners, parties, and trips where you know everyone will spend the same amount.

Then tell your friends about your discomfort.

But realize that it is generally not socially acceptable to pay the bill, especially in a large group. Expect them to back off.

This may result in your friends inviting you less to certain gatherings, which will certainly solve the problem of high bills.

It is of course far from an ideal solution, but when you consider the alternative (insolvency), it could be worse.

Here too, a compromise is appropriate.

Give people the opportunity to dine at their home instead of going out for the night.

Let them know that the extravagant trip is too much for you and that even though you would love to be there, you will still go with them to the local beach, park or club.

Being honest about your financial circumstances can be liberating and can even positively impact the dynamics of your friendships.

True friends will understand you and perhaps find a way to accommodate you.

In any case, by withdrawing from activities you cannot afford, you prevent resentment from building up.

And bitterness is the nastiest taste there is.