DEAR JANE: My 23-year-old son squandered his trust fund in the most idiotic way – now he’s demanding that I bail him out of his debt

Dear Jane,

I am a widow and mother of a 23 year old who is irresponsible and has thrown away his entire inheritance and now expects me to help him out of his financial troubles.

When my husband died six years ago, my son was only 17, and his father’s death understandably took its toll. He began to misbehave, rebel, skip school, etc. He ruined his chances of getting into a good university – even though he had decided at the time that he didn’t want to go because he wanted to “get out and see the world.”

My husband knew he was going to die about a year before he actually died, and he did everything he could to make sure we were taken care of. He set up a college fund for my son and also left him a trust fund of about $120,000 that he would have access to when he was 22.

Instead of college, my son traveled for two years. I agreed to let him use a portion of his college tuition to pay for these trips, under certain conditions: that he never be away for more than two months, that he would pick up work when he was home, and that he would do some form of charity work wherever he went.

Although I was very nervous about the idea of ​​him traveling alone, I felt safe in the knowledge that I still had a hand in what he did. If I felt he was acting irresponsibly, I always had the option to cut him off.

But when he turned 22, he was given full access to his trust fund. There was nothing I could do to stop it, although I must admit I tried.

At that point he stopped really keeping me updated on what was going on in his life. I think because he didn’t need me anymore.

Then he called me this week, almost a year after his 22nd birthday. My first thought was that there had been an accident or that he was in trouble, but instead he asked me to have lunch with him. I was overjoyed!

But when I saw him in person, he looked exhausted, worn out and dirty, to be honest. I asked where the hell he was staying and he said he had been couch surfing with his friends.

Then it all came out – it turns out he had decided to invest almost his entire trust fund into a friend’s cannabis dispensary. Apparently, this friend had grand visions of how this dispensary would be different from all the others in our area (we live in Colorado), and he spent a fortune bringing that vision to life.

Unfortunately, the two thought it was important to spend thousands on things like “sick display cases” and “top shelf weed,” but what they didn’t spend money on was hiring people with experience in the business. So two months after opening, they were shut down by authorities for a series of violations. Now, not only are they facing criminal charges, but they’re without a business and none of the money they put into it.

After hearing all this, I was absolutely disgusted. How dare he waste all the money my husband had worked so hard to leave us? But it got worse. Instead of admitting his mistakes, my son insisted that I give him immediate access to what was left of his college fund.

I refused, whereupon he said he would hire a lawyer to sue me for the rights to the money.

He is my son and I love him but Jane I really don’t recognize the person he has become. I am half tempted to just give the money and get rid of him but I know my husband would be devastated if he knew our relationship had come to this.

So what now?

By,

In the weeds

Dear In the Weeds,

I am so sorry that you are in this position, which must be untenable for you. As mothers, we love our children so much, and often make the mistake of thinking that we must do everything in our power to protect them from harm.

But while wrapping them in cotton wool may be protective, it also prevents them from learning from their mistakes.

The great tragedy here is that the human brain does not fully develop until around age 25. It was almost inevitable that your son would make a terrible choice with this money.

I understand your dilemma regarding the rest of the college fund money, especially since your son has not shown himself to be responsible.

I wonder if you should consult a trust and estates attorney. What is left of the college fund money can be held in trust until your son is older and less likely to make a bad decision.

Ultimately, the money is his, and there is only so much you can do, but please find ways to protect your son from himself until he is a little older. Even then, he may make choices that you do not agree with, but he will have to learn the hard way, and that is how we always learn the most important lessons in life.

Consult with an attorney and know that your son has his own journey. It may be filled with choices you would not make, but as his surviving parent, I encourage you to find a way to put these financial issues aside and love him despite his choices.