Dear Jane,
Until last week I thought I could tell everything to my best friends.
We met at university and have been close ever since. We are a group of ten friends who stick together through breakups, workplace dramas, family quarrels – you name it.
We are now in our early thirties and most of us are married (a few have children). In other words, none of us are inexperienced or prudish.
So when we all sat down for a catch-up dinner last week, four bottles of rosé in our system, and the conversation turned spicy, I thought nothing more of it.
We were talking about our sex life when one of my friends turned around and rudely asked, “Do you have any sexual preferences?”
Dear Jane, I told my friends about a secret kinky affair and now they don’t want to talk to me anymore…
Everyone laughed and without thinking I told them that sometimes I like it when my husband chokes me in bed. I thought it was so normal, barely a ‘kink’, that I didn’t blush.
But the room fell silent. And when I looked around the table, I saw that every one of my friends was staring at me or looked genuinely concerned.
It was so awkward! I asked them what was wrong and then I had to explain to myself that my husband always asked me first, or I actively asked, and he always stopped when I wanted him to.
But they were not convinced and started to bombard me with questions that seemed more like accusations.
Don’t you know that’s dangerous? Isn’t that anti-feminist? Is he pressuring you?
It felt so judgmental, like everyone was against me. The the whole thing took about 30 minutes, and oOne of my friends even went so far as to claim that my husband – whom they have all known for five years – is abusive.
I was so overwhelmed at that moment that I didn’t know what to do and I just tried to continue the conversation. But the rest of the evening the dynamic felt painfully awkward and I went home really upset.
Since dinner it has only gotten worse.
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I’ve been posting messages and photos in our group chat, which we all do regularly, but the girls seem to be ignoring me, even dodging my questions about when we can meet up again.
And yesterday one of my best friends sent me a link to a random blog post about why choking during sex is dangerous and an early sign of abuse. I didn’t know what to say.
I am so ashamed of myself and my sweet husband, who would never hurt a fly, but who all my friends now consider violent.
I never thought choking was a big deal – as long as it was consensual, of course. In fact, I imagined everyone did it!
It was just a fun, throwaway comment to my best friends over a few drinks. I never thought they would be so judgmental.
And now I really don’t know what to do. Should I apologize to my friends and tell a white lie and pretend that my husband and I have stopped?
Or do I ignore them, hope it all blows over and keep my private life a bit more private in the future?
By,
Kink Shame
Dear Kink Shamed,
Let me first tell you as loudly and clearly as I can that whatever your deviation is – as long as it is consensual and you and your partner have clear boundaries and expectations – there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, no matter what your friends say.
Strangulation during sex is officially called erotic asphyxia and is also popularly known as breath play.
Kinks can sound very scary to those unfamiliar with what we would now call “non-vanilla” sex. In the hands of the wrong people, some of these practices can be dangerous enough to result in death.
However, when performed by people who know exactly what they’re doing, breath play can enhance orgasms by flooding the body with dopamine and serotonin, blurring the fine line between pleasure and pain.
I’m sorry you didn’t realize that what you consider a perfectly normal ‘kink’ can be hard for others to accept. Part of the beauty of life is that we all like different things.
A lack of information is likely the reason your friends think your kinks are not only dangerous, but also a sign of abuse.
Make sure you inform yourself well and then think about how you can inform your friends, even if it is just to reassure them that you are in safe hands.
After that, I would think twice about who you share such intimate sexual information with in the future—and I wouldn’t broach the subject with your friends again until they show you they’re capable of genuine curiosity. without judgement.