DEAR JANE: My wife says she’s ‘too old’ to do what I want in bed… how can I change her mind?

Dear Jane,

I have recently been having problems with my wife in the bedroom.

For reference, I’m in my mid-80s and my wife is 10 years younger. We’ve been together for almost sixty years and our sex life has remained exciting for most of that time.

However, about a year ago, my wife unilaterally decided that she was “too old for sex.” This came as a complete shock to me as everything had been completely normal until she made this decision. I asked her what prompted the sudden change of heart and she simply said she didn’t feel like it anymore.

Since then we have been living without sex. No exceptions.

This was extremely frustrating for me because I still have a high sex drive and have really enjoyed our sex life.

I wonder how common this feeling is among women her age and if there is anything I can do or say to change her mind?

I’m desperate to reignite our sex life.

By,

Dry spell

Dear dry period,

First of all, let me put your mind at ease by telling you that it’s incredibly common for women to see their libido disappear as they age, and many find this happens around menopause – congratulations on maintaining such a healthy sex life for so long.

There can often be psychological problems behind the sudden not wanting to have sex, as well as physical problems that can affect libido.

But it is the psychological issues that need to be addressed immediately. If women harbor suppressed resentment or anger, if they suffer from depression, if they are tired, it will always be reflected in their sex drive.

Without professional help, it can be very difficult to be honest with your partner. Being able to talk honestly and without judgment usually happens in therapy rooms. I hate to recommend this to you in your eighties, but I do think it is very important that you first find out exactly how your wife feels about sex, and why, and whether there is something in you marriage is something that needs to be addressed so that you are completely ready for it. unaware of.

After that, a visit to your doctor should be the first step to look for ways that can improve libido.

Dear Jane,

Recently a dear cousin of mine came to my house for dinner with his wife of several years.

During the conversation it emerged that she was in the process of obtaining her diploma as a massage therapist and that she had to reserve a certain number of practice hours.

She then asked if I was interested in a free massage as part of that. So of course I said yes.

We arranged a time to meet later that week, with her coming to my home for the treatment.

During the massage the situation changed. At one point her hand suddenly went somewhere it didn’t belong. At first I thought she made a mistake, but then it happened again and for longer. It was clear that this was not a mistake.

I quickly made an excuse and said I had to check my phone to see if one of my kids had called before wrapping myself in a towel and leaving the room. It was extremely embarrassing and uncomfortable.

However, she was clearly unfazed – and got in touch about performing another massage.

I ignored her as best I could. But I’m going to see her and my cousin again next week at a family event and I don’t know what to do.

If she asks me to host another session in person, it will be unimaginably awkward.

How can I tell her that I don’t want another massage without creating an even more awkward situation?

Thank you,

Hands off

Dear Hands Off,

As a consummate people pleaser who hates confrontation, I know how hard this will be for you to deal with, but you have to deal with it.

Take the woman aside and tell her that although you enjoyed the massage a lot, there were times when her touch made you uncomfortable and that, whether intentionally or unintentionally, you will be happier in the future if you meet someone you don’t like. knows. .

There should be little for her to say. You’ve given her the ‘out’, perhaps unintentionally, and you’ve set a clear boundary for the future, which should in no way affect your social relationship with her or your cousin.