Dear Jane,
This is a bit of an awkward situation because I hate “talking” to my wife, but I don’t really know where else to turn because I’m not sure my marriage will last much longer without some serious help.
Six months ago my wife came to me and said she wanted to stop drinking because she was afraid it would contribute to her anxiety and cause her health problems. It came as a shock to me because she never said she wanted to quit alcohol before, but I said I would be happy to support her in whatever she wanted to do, but explained that it wasn’t a lifestyle choice I was willing to make.
At the time, she said she understood, and insisted she would never expect me to stop doing something just because she decided to.
In the first few weeks of her sobriety, things were very up and down. She was very easily irritated, grumpy and much more stressed than I have ever seen her. So much so that I actually didn’t want to drink when she was around because I was afraid it would put her in an even worse mood!
Dear Jane, My wife has suddenly decided to stop drinking – and it has taken a huge toll on our marriage. Would I be a terrible person if I divorced her because she is sober?
About a month later, she decided to try a different tactic and started experimenting with marijuana. I would like to point out that we live in a state where weed is completely legal, but it has never been something that either of us has been interested in.
Apparently she didn’t know what she was missing, and since then she has started using it in almost every form. Smoking it, eating gummies, even using a tincture in her water. And for the most part, it seemed to relax her much more than alcohol ever did.
But the thing is, and I hate to say it, she’s become a completely different person in the last six months. She doesn’t want to go out or hang out with our friends anymore because she can’t drink with the rest of us, and she says she doesn’t feel comfortable telling them she uses marijuana instead.
Every time I suggest we go out for drinks or dinner, she says she doesn’t feel like it and that she would feel better if we just stayed home.
She also starts making snide comments about my drinking. Just stupid things like, “Oh, do you have another glass of wine?” but for whatever reason it really gets to me.
I don’t want to stop her from making changes that will benefit her health and well-being, but it feels like the woman I married eight years ago has completely disappeared. And I’m not sure I like the person left in her place.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her column Dear Jane agony aunt
Does this mean my marriage is over?
By,
Heavy casting
Dear heavy dump,
It doesn’t sound like your marriage is over by any means, but it does sound like your marriage needs help. You need to know that what destroys a marriage is often not something big and terrible, but rather the small, unspoken things that build and build until fixing things seems insurmountable.
It’s interesting that your wife has given up alcohol and started using marijuana, and it’s no surprise that it relaxes her so much that she loses interest in many of the things the two of you enjoyed.
I have no idea if your wife would consider herself an addict or an alcoholic, but I do know that it is extremely difficult to cut out the things that help us get through the day, even when we know they are harming us . And even harder to do this alone.
You both need support, your wife to help her understand why she makes the choices she does, whether she is using substances to numb uncomfortable feelings, and to help her figure out what is best for her.
You will find tremendous support in al-anon. Whether or not your wife is willing or able to quit marijuana, you need to be in a room with others who know exactly what you are going through and what you are feeling.
There is tremendous support in this community, ostensibly for friends and family of addicts and alcoholics, but as anyone who has ever been to Al-anon (including myself) will tell you, it is a program that will transform your life. It will teach you how powerless we are over the behavior of others, and that it is our responsibility in this life to learn to detach ourselves from behavior that harms us, with love.
I wish you both, individually and together, the best of luck.
Dear Jane,
I’ve gotten myself into quite a bit of debt because I can’t seem to overcome my obsessive desire to shop online. I work in a pretty rough job that causes me a lot of stress for what isn’t a huge amount of money.
I had to move cities for work, so I don’t have many friends or a big social life – and on the weekends all I do is scroll through different websites and buy random things to give myself a little treat. spark of joy.
At first it was just a small purchase here and there, but the rush I got when a package showed up on my doorstep was just too good to resist.
So I started buying more stuff, from clothes to home decor, toys for my dog, a new kitchen appliance… I just happily stuck it all on my credit card, telling myself that it was all so small that it wouldn’t really be a big success. become. difference.
But now those small purchases are piling up and my credit card bills are enormous. So big that I can’t actually afford them.
I’m so stressed about my finances, but ironically that stress only pushes me to buy more things in a desperate attempt to forget how much trouble I’m in.
How do I stop this crazy cycle?
By,
Compulsive shopper
Dear Compulsive Shopper,
This is the second letter about addiction, and while some may say that shopping is not nearly as dangerous as drugs or alcohol, your credit card company may say otherwise.
The dopamine hit you get every time you put something on your credit card defies all common sense, and living with the subsequent shame is debilitating and damaging, but it’s almost impossible to stop yourself.
As with the letter above, I strongly recommend that you find a self-help group, or investigate a 12-step program such as Debtors Anonymous or Spenders Anonymous to help you get the support you need.
Most of these programs will not only provide you with a community of people who have been through exactly what you are going through and are willing to share their experience, strength, and hope; if you find a sponsor, they will work with you to work through the issues. steps and build tools into your daily life that make it easier to walk away.
You can visit http://spenders.org/abstinence.html for more information on how these groups can help you. There may be a meeting near you, but if not, there are plenty of meetings online.
I wish you the best.