DEAR JANE: My wife and I did long distance for years… now we’re back together and I’ve discovered the vile secret life she’s been hiding from me

Dear Jane,

I’m 35 and married to a woman who, when we met, was smart, engaging, and intellectually curious.

But three years ago I took a high-paying job in the Persian Gulf and we decided to try a “long-distance” relationship.

We kept in touch: she flew to me from our home in England every two months and we occasionally got together in Europe.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what my wife was really doing.

And last year, when work ended and I moved back home, I discovered the nightmare truth.

My wife, who was once just a social drinker, had become a full-blown alcoholic.

She had also met numerous men for sex while I was away and had built quite a reputation in the area.

It seemed that anyone who wanted to buy her a few drinks could have her for the evening – and she won’t stop seeing these men even now that I’m back.

She goes missing for two or three days in a row. Obscene photos and videos of her have been exchanged on WhatsApp groups.

When we married five years ago, she was slim and attractive. Now my wife has the bloated features of an alcoholic. There is even hand tremors.

Yet she refuses to discuss the problem or seek help.

To put it bluntly, she’s a lost cause. Life is miserable and I am looking for another job abroad. But if I turned my back on her, I wonder what would happen. After all, she is still my wife and I feel I have a moral obligation.

At what point can I ethically walk away?

Thank you,

Lost in alcohol

Dear Lost in Alcohol,

Although you lead your letter with alcohol as the main problem in your marriage, there is so much more going on here.

Many people have spouses who have an alcohol problem – who drink too much and promise over and over again to stop, only to find that they can’t.

However, these people don’t necessarily disappear for days at a time – or even sleep with other people while the evidence is then spread through WhatsApp groups.

Marriage is a serious contract, which should not be taken lightly, but I think what you are putting up with is intolerable.

Your moral obligation to work on a marriage does not mean staying with someone who has so little respect for you that she openly sleeps with countless people in a way that publicly humiliates you.

If you live with someone who struggles with alcohol problems, it is important to remember that you are powerless over their drinking.

In fact, your wife’s drinking has nothing to do with you. Also, her excessive drinking didn’t necessarily happen because she doesn’t love you.

Addictions like alcoholism are diseases, and the loved ones of addicts are unable to cure such diseases alone. Recovery is usually only possible if the addict seeks help himself.

You’ve said you’re worried about leaving her alone, but it could very well be that she’s just hitting rock bottom and seeking the support she desperately needs if left alone.

You shouldn’t feel guilty about detaching and letting her suffer the consequences of her choices. It sounds cruel, but getting entangled with someone who can’t change their behavior is only being cruel to yourself.

Take a look at the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. They will not only support you in navigating your own healing, but will also give you the tools to learn how to let go and care for yourself.

Dear Jane,

I have a friend who talks about herself nonstop.

We’ve been in the same friendship group since we graduated three years ago.

But since she got a new job, she talks about how impressive she is at work, how great she is in general – and nothing else.

She’s always been a bit self-centered, but this is a whole new level. It seems impossible to have a conversation that isn’t about her in some way.

Is she a narcissist? Don’t know. Maybe she’s just self-obsessed.

Either way, it’s boring and frustrating and I’m not sure we can be friends much longer.

These days I get irritated when the group gets together. In fact, I dread spending time with my friends if I know she’ll be there. (And she almost always is!)

I don’t want to close myself off, but more and more I can’t stand being around her. What should I do?

By,

Friend dumper

Dear friend Dumper,

I suspect that everyone reading this letter has had a friend like yours at some point.

We always hope that friendships will last forever and that they will always be as fulfilling and loving as they were in the beginning, no matter how many times we have experienced disappointments in the friendship in the past.

There’s an old saying that friends are “for a reason, a season, or a lifetime.”

Normally, of course, we hope that all our friends will be of the ‘lifelong’ type. But unfortunately we are often disappointed.

I believe it is important to let a friend know when he or she has let you down. Hopefully you can then talk about the problem and find a solution.

But it’s very different if our friend is self-centered or, as in your case, borderline narcissistic.

I had a very good friend for almost twenty years and although I was close, I always felt a bit like her lady-in-waiting. Everything revolved around her, but I was so in awe of her that I was happy just to be around her.

Gradually my rose-colored glasses fell off and I saw her complete self-absorption.

In a nod to our shared history and my enduring love for her, I tried to keep the friendship going. But despite my best efforts, I always seemed to let her down.

I didn’t show up when she was sick, I didn’t praise her enough for her new projects, I didn’t… I didn’t… I didn’t. The list was long and I always got the silent treatment when I failed to give her enough attention. I had an increasingly busy life, working full time and raising six children, and she never showed up for me. But it was never about me, it was always about her.

Ultimately, I chose to walk away and, most importantly, I have felt nothing but relief since.

Maybe that’s what you needed to hear?