DEAR JANE: My parents refuse to pay for my lavish wedding, so I have BANNED them from attending

Dear Jane,

I am currently planning what I hope will be my dream wedding; my boyfriend (fiancée!) proposed this summer and we jumped right into putting together our perfect day.

I’ve always been a girl who dreamed of getting married: the kind of dress I would wear, the flowers I would have, and the first song I would dance to with my new husband. A big ceremony and reception is what I want – I want that one day where I am the center of attention.

And I always felt so lucky that my parents talked about saving money for my special day.

So when I got engaged, this was obviously my first call, and while I didn’t bother them for money from the start, I was a little concerned when they didn’t bring it up right away.

But I figured they were just getting caught up in the excitement of my news and postponed the conversation for another day.

But when that conversation actually took place, they explained that they would in fact not be paying for my wedding. They said that they have been having bad luck with their finances lately, and that because my husband and I both have high-paying jobs, they feel like the responsibility of paying for a big wedding falls on us.

They then made a joke about the fact that my husband comes from money, joking that we “knew where to go if we needed help.”

I was amazed. Suddenly, the wedding I had dreamed of all my life disappeared. They didn’t even seem apologetic! I tried to reason with them, tried to explain my side of the matter, but they heard nothing.

I reminded them that my fiance and I just bought a new house, that we already have plans for kids, and that we just don’t have the money to pay for this whole thing ourselves, but nothing could stop them.

They just said that they don’t have the resources to help at this time, but that they will do whatever else they can to help without handing over any cash.

Their lack of sympathy really irritated me and I finally told them that if they didn’t want to be a part of the wedding financially then they should just not bother coming. I’ve pretty much cut them off since then and I’m pretty confident that I chose not to have them present.

But now my friends and my sister are telling me that I’m going to regret it, that there’s no point in ruining my relationship with them over something so ‘silly’, and they insist that I think about it again.

I don’t think they deserve to come – but maybe I would regret not being able to walk my dad down the aisle?

By,

Anti-budget bride

Dear anti-budget bride,

Once upon a time there was a wedding that I think was pretty close to your dream wedding.

I had the dress, the flowers, the guests, was the center of attention and I remember almost nothing about that day.

Perhaps unsurprisingly, that marriage ended, and my next wedding was small, just for the whole family, in the cozy living room of a local hotel. I made the flowers myself and found the dress at a cheap basement store.

I remember every second of that wedding, which wasn’t about other people, but about two people who were far more invested in being together than in organizing a party of the year.

All this to say that there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be a princess for a day, but equally, understanding the importance of focusing on a shared life with someone else rather than a day that passes in a blur can help to adjust your expectations. .

Traditionally, the bride’s parents are expected to pay, but times have changed and there are many other ways to get the wedding you dream of.

Honestly, if you and your fiancé both have well-paying jobs and your parents aren’t in a position to shower you with cash, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for the two of you to pay for the wedding you want.

It’s entirely possible that your parents are hiding their worries and fears about money because they may want to shield you from full knowledge of where they stand financially. It’s their right to do that.

They have offered to help in other ways, clearly love you and want to support you in the ways they are able. So yes, I do think that you are cutting off your nose to insult your face, and that punishing your parents for not contributing financially can come across to others as behavior that is both spoiled and self-centered.

You’re old enough to get married, old enough to have a well-paying job.

I hope you’re old enough to hear that withholding a wedding invitation from your parents because of money is something you will deeply regret over the years. Not just because your dad can’t walk you down the aisle, but because of what it says about you and your values.

Dear Jane,

My husband has an important job, earns well and is handsome, even though he is a bit overweight. At first, I wasn’t jealous of the attention he got from other women because of his good looks, especially since I’ve always attracted a lot of interest from other guys.

But that in turn made him very jealous and controlling, to the point where we stopped dating altogether because he got so angry every time another man looked my way.

On the other hand, he loves attention, so every time he’s around a woman, he forgets about me and gets deep into conversation with any woman who will listen.

Most recently, among those women were my boyfriend and my cousin. And instead of respecting my marriage, they just flirted back with him.

When I saw how they behaved, I became very offended and hurt, and I stopped talking to them or answering their calls.

Shockingly, one of the women refuses to give up. She keeps calling me to ask if we can hang out with our husbands – and she even had her husband call mine to make an appointment. She seems completely desperate – not to repair her relationship with me, but to see my husband.

The last time we went out, she and my husband both got drunk and when we went back to her house, she changed into a sexy lace dress and started flashing it. Unsurprisingly, he was very reluctant to leave their home. But the whole thing upset me so much that I avoided her for a very long time.

We are childhood friends, but our relationship is very episodic because she is only there when she needs something… now it seems she “needs” my husband.

What can I do? I feel like I’ve lost most of my friends because of my husband’s jealousy, and now it’s happening because of his philandering too.

I’m so very lonely – my husband and I get along great when we’re alone – but when we go out we always fight and he gets jealous or flirts with other women. I still love him and I’m scared to leave but this is driving me crazy.

By,

Third wheel

Dear third wheel,

I have no idea how long you’ve been married, if there are any children involved, or how happy your marriage is if your husband doesn’t flirt with other women or fly into a jealous rage, controlling what you do and who you are with. but nothing in your letter tells me there is mutual respect, kindness, compassion or even love.

There’s no denying that marriage is hard, and while things are good when you’re alone, it sounds like navigating life together is something the two of you aren’t handling well at all.

Flirting with other women, whether in front of you or telling you about it afterwards, shows a lack of respect for you, and a deep insecurity on your man’s part that no amount of love or care of his wife can be filled.

I usually recommend that couples see a marriage counselor, but I think the problems in your marriage may be too big to solve easily. You can’t isolate yourself and stay home all the time, hoping he does the same, because that’s the only way your marriage works.

You say you still love him, but I wonder what you love? Could it be that because he has an important job and is good looking, this somehow validates you or makes you feel better about yourself for having a partner that other women are jealous of?

I want you to think about the kind of relationship you want, the values ​​that make a relationship work, and what you think love should both look and feel like.

I can’t tell you what to do, but I suspect making this list can help you clarify what you want, and whether or not you’re likely to find it with your man, with or without the involvement of a professional .

There is nothing lonelier than being lonely in a marriage, and I send you love and strength for whatever you decide to do, and whatever your future holds.