DEAR JANE: My newly-divorced sister is furious after I confessed that I like her ex-husband MORE than I like her. But, it’s the truth. Is that so wrong?

Dear Jane,

Last year my sister and her husband got divorced and it was all very ugly.

There were gross insults, fights over money and arguments about who would get what.

The whole messy story made my sister want to cut him out of her life forever – which was understandable.

But then she demanded that the whole family do the same, and that was something I didn’t want to do.

Her husband and I were friends before they started dating.

I introduced them to each other!

I’ve known him for over ten years, and if I’m honest, I often enjoy being with him more than I do with her.

Aside from the messy divorce, he’s a great guy and one of the few men I count among my friends.

When I told my sister that I didn’t feel comfortable cutting him out of my life, she got really upset. But I calmly replied that I don’t think it’s fair to force me to pretend he doesn’t exist.

At first she reacted positively and let it go, but then she started teasing me about him, asking me all sorts of questions about what he was doing, what we talked about and when I last saw him.

I started to feel like I was being used as a spy.

Ultimately, I refused to continue reporting to her and—surprise!—she exploded again, demanding that I stop talking to him.

So I told her the truth: he’s more of a friend to me than she’s ever been.

Now she has turned the situation into a big drama, she has involved our whole family and she is trying to convince them to take her side.

I didn’t want to hurt her feelings by telling the truth, but it seemed like the only way to help her. But I only gave her more fuel for her sob story.

Jane, how would you approach this?

By,

Sibling rivalry

Dear brotherly rivalry,

Lord, how I hate the idea of ​​having to choose sides in a divorce.

Yes, divorce is brutal. And yes, people are often angry at those they once loved.

But for a sister to demand insane loyalty from her sibling and her family – and expect them to turn their lives upside down to satisfy her thirst for revenge – is unacceptable.

Because that’s what this is about. Your sister wants to use you as a tool to punish her ex. That’s unfair.

I even know divorced parents who are angry and want to turn their children against the other parent.

I find this a particularly horrible act, especially since children often already feel lost and confused by their parents’ divorce.

In general, this type of behavior is harmful to everyone involved.

Brotherly rivalry, you have to be very strict with your sister.

Tell her you don’t want to talk about her ex anymore.

Explain to her that you haven’t taken sides, but that you just don’t want to talk to her about him, and vice versa.

You are actually trying to help her heal by not giving in to her tendency toward toxic behavior.

The longer she holds on to her anger, the longer it will take for her to process the divorce and move on with her life.

Stay strong when she inevitably explodes.

It takes two to fight. If she ignores your wishes and tries to argue, calmly walk away.

If your sister refuses to see your point of view, then you may have to spend some time apart, unfortunately. The distance can give her some perspective.

Your family will notice your considered response and will support your position because you are truly acting in the best interests of your sister – and your family.

I wish you a lot of succes.