Dear Jane,
I was married for 28 years to a narcissist who made my life hell. Making fun of me at every opportunity, verbally tormenting me, making me feel terrible about my appearance, my personality, my life… everything.
You might wonder why on earth I chose to stay with him for so long – and there are two reasons: my daughters.
Despite his horrible treatment of me, he is a wonderful father. He was so lovingly in love with both of our girls, so much so that there were times when I even started to resent them, wondering how he was able to show them so much love, when all he left was me to see was hatred and malice.
I couldn’t reconcile those two people.
Dear Jane, I was married to a malignant narcissist for decades – now that we are divorced, he is using his evil tactics to turn our daughters against me
As soon as our youngest daughter turned 22 and graduated college, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He was shocked and immediately responded with every vile insult you could think of, and more on top of that.
He threatened me, told me I would be nothing without him, and even said he would take my children away from me – something that scared me to my core, even though I knew it was legally impossible for him was to do that once they were adults.
I was firm in my decision and luckily the divorce went quite quickly.
But then my daughters slowly started to turn against me because of the lies he fed them.
He made himself out to be the innocent victim in all of this, made it seem like I had blindsided him with the divorce and left him heartbroken, and both of them quickly ran to him to offer him support and comfort – leaving me alone. being eaten up inside by the truth of what really happened between us.
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The last thing I want is to damage their relationship with him. Not because I care one bit about hurting him, but because I don’t want to destroy the image they’ve had of him for so long.
But it’s driving me crazy because I feel like my own story is being swept under the rug — and worse, completely rewritten.
Is there any way I can share the truth with them without destroying their father-daughter bond?
By,
Trauma survivor
Dear Trauma Survivor,
I have known many women who have experienced exactly what you are going through.
Little girls love their fathers, no matter how narcissistic or toxic they are, and it is painful for me to see men like these engage in parental alienation, causing their children to turn against their mothers.
Your kids are old enough to know the truth without you having to throw your husband under the bus.
I would sit them down and explain that there is always more than one side to the story, and that you would like to share your experiences. I would add that you will never say anything harmful about their father, and that you recognize that even though your marriage didn’t work and you were unhappy, he is a great father to them.
I have found in life in general that the truth will come out.
Give things enough time, float and ignore his bad behavior, and I suspect your children will probably see the truth.
Their father is already forcing them to make a choice. Don’t try to pull them in the other direction. Support them lovingly, don’t try to turn them against their father, but explain why you were unhappy enough to leave.
You’ll probably be surprised at how much they already know.