Dear Jane,
I met my wonderful husband 14 years ago. He is everything I ever hoped to find in a life partner. We balance each other out, have the same interests, goals and sense of humor. We truly love each other, unconditionally and selflessly.
Although our marriage is strong, it has not been without challenges.
My mother-in-law is terrible. Over the years she has said and done things that have made me wonder how on earth my husband could be raised by someone who is the exact opposite of who he is.
She ruins every visit and holiday with her antics. She deliberately picks fights with my husband and father-in-law. For my husband’s sake, I stay out of the madness and just rant about her on our long drives home.
Both my husband and his father are impervious to her hysteria, but I am not.
Dear Jane: My mother-in-law bullies me because I’m infertile.
A few years ago my husband and I found out we couldn’t have children due to infertility, and it has been devastating for us.
We shared this news with our parents because they had been asking us for a long time about when we were going to start a family and it is a very disturbing topic for us. It’s still very raw and brings me to tears even now to talk about it.
During our most recent visit, my mother-in-law kept talking about my husband’s cousin and his “maternity” children. After a while, my husband finally said, “You know, Mom, we really don’t want to hear about this.”
Then she lost it. She shouted something along the lines of, ‘How do you think I feel! All my friends have grandchildren and I don’t. I understand that it’s annoying for you, but I have to live with the fact that I will never be a grandmother! Do you have any idea what that’s like for me?!’
Her outburst shocked me. She hates us for what we struggle with and she really wishes we could change.
This feels like the straw that breaks the camel’s back. I love my husband very much and don’t want to upset him, but I don’t know if I can maintain a relationship with my evil mother-in-law.
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
What should I do?
Kind regards,
Daughter-in-hell
Dear daughter-in-hell,
My heart goes out to you. Believe me, I know what it’s like to deal with a mother-in-law’s hysteria.
I also know that if you and your husband don’t set clear boundaries, a toxic mother-in-law can destroy a marriage.
I write this from my own 18-year marriage to a man whom I loved dearly, but which ended partly because of my impending marriage. former stepmother.
The priority in any marriage should be with each other, never with the in-laws, so it’s important that you speak up about this together.
My advice is that you both get some distance from your husband’s mother, for the peace of mind and the health of your marriage.
If your husband decides to visit her alone, that is his choice. For his emotional health, he may want to seek therapy or other outside guidance. I especially recommend the book “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger.
I’m glad your husband was able to intervene and advocate for both of you during your recent visit.
Unfortunately, there isn’t much you can do to protect him from his emotionally unstable mother. It is extremely difficult for men to grow up in families with such a parent. Sons of particularly needy mothers are often given inappropriate roles. They can be “parented” and made responsible for their mothers’ well-being during the caregiving dynamic should be the other way around.
As a result, these men often grow up without any idea how to set appropriate boundaries. When their toxic mothers scream “jump,” they ask how high.
Be warned: bad mothers tend to lash out when a daughter-in-law gets in the way. Know that her behavior has nothing to do with you and do what you can to protect yourself.
Dear Jane,
My dear husband is 55, 8 years older than me. We have been married for 16 years and together for 18 years.
He is a very practical man and takes good care of me and our child.
For a long time we had a very physical relationship and the sex was good. However, for the past five years we have had no physical affection or intimacy.
He sleeps on the couch and makes no effort to come to bed at night, let alone touch, cuddle or kiss me.
My husband knows this upsets me. I have told him that I miss the intimate part of our marriage and have tried to initiate physical affection, but my attempts are rebuffed.
Every time I bring it up, his response is, “I’ll look into it” (as if I have a work appointment!) or that he’s “tired.”
However, I know he’s up late watching porn on the TV because it’s often on those channels when I turn it on the next morning.
This really upsets me as he clearly still has sexual desires. I feel like we live together and are no longer a loving married couple.
I told him a few months ago that I don’t want to stay in a marriage where I don’t feel loved or wanted. He said he would do his best, but so far nothing.
About five months ago, my ex-fiance of 25 years unexpectedly connected on social media and we talked for months. Eventually it turned into more than two exes chatting. Our conversations turned sexual. He made me feel wanted and wanted, something I hadn’t felt in years.
Finally we met and the inevitable happened: we had sex.
This hasn’t progressed since, but it made me realize what I’m missing in my marriage.
I feel so lonely, sad and neglected in my marriage and I don’t know what to do.
By,
Neglected woman
Dear Neglected Woman,
Infidelity is never something that should be tolerated. But given the context you provided, I can’t say I’m the least bit surprised that you had a one-night stand with your ex-fiancé.
The feeling of being desired, the need to be touched and to feel beautiful are among the most basic human instincts.
No matter how well a partner can provide for your family, there is only so long a person can be expected to go to bed alone and unwanted.
A marriage is so much more than financial stability. It’s about companionship, getting our needs met, and being able to change our behavior when we know it’s upsetting our partner.
Right now you don’t get any of these things.
But before I suggest throwing the baby out with the bathwater, I’m wondering if your husband might be willing to tackle what sounds like an addiction to porn.
Common effects of severe porn addiction – the inability to connect with loved ones, sexual dysfunction, the loss of interest in activities unrelated to porn – certainly seem to be present.
As hard as this is to hear, unless your husband is willing to admit his problem, I don’t see any hope for your marriage.
Addiction is a terrible disease – and it is virtually impossible to cure without outside intervention.
I suggest you speak to a professional who specializes in addiction immediately while you figure out how to discuss this with your husband.
Often addicts will become defensive when confronted with this. But the fact that he sleeps on the couch downstairs and you haven’t had sex or physical intimacy in five years is a huge problem that needs to be addressed head-on.
A counselor or addiction therapist will help you find the best way to broach the subject with him.
Neither of you can or should continue this way. It’s time for things to change.