Dear Jane,
My husband and I have been married for 15 years. We are both in our forties.
We’ve been through so much together, raising four children, and our relationship has only grown stronger over time.
However, my husband has recently developed an extremely annoying habit in the bedroom.
About two months ago he started snoring. In the beginning it was a few times a week, but now it’s every evening.
It’s unbearable. Not only is his snoring ridiculously loud – to the extent that the sound wakes me up – but his entire body seems to be shaking, making it impossible for me to rest. The bed is literally shaking.
After doing some research online, I understand that it is normal to snore more as you get older. Apparently there are remedies.
I suggested to my husband that he try mouth tape or a chin strap, but he flatly refused. He claims to be afraid that such measures would ‘ruin his sleep’.
Dear Jane: My husband’s extreme bedroom problem is ruining my life.
I work 9 to 5 and have to take our four kids to school and activities every weekday, and right now I’m doing that while barely sleeping.
Meanwhile, my snoring husband sleeps like a baby.
His bedroom problem is ruining my life and I don’t know what to do.
By,
Snoring out
International bestselling author Jane Green provides sage advice on readers’ most burning issues in her column about Aunt’s agony
Dear Snore Off,
When we love someone, it’s easy to imagine that we will always do whatever it takes to put that person’s needs above our own.
This is of course extremely unrealistic.
While we can all be great at our best; at worst we can be completely selfish and think of no one but ourselves.
In this case, your husband is extremely selfish.
The bottom line is that his snoring needs to be resolved – and, as you point out, there are interventions that can work.
If his snoring is as bad as you say, it’s very possible he has sleep apnea.
You may think he sleeps like a baby, but in fact the snoring can interrupt his breathing, making him more tired and irritable during the day without him even realizing it (which could contribute to his reluctance to try certain remedies).
He needs to see a doctor for examination. If there is no physical explanation for the snoring, the doctor will likely recommend a sleep study.
Regardless of the underlying causes of your husband’s snoring, marriage is about compromise. And since your husband has so far refused to make small compromises for you, you now need to be crystal clear about your needs and set boundaries.
As hard as it is to remain firm, if he continues this selfish behavior, you should no longer allow him to sleep in your bedroom.
If you have another bedroom, he can sleep there. If you don’t, he will have to move to the couch.
He may be furious at first, but if the choice comes down to a couch, a spare room, or solving a problem that is having such a negative impact on you, I hope he does the right thing.