Dear Jane,
My husband of 23 years recently had what you might describe as a midlife crisis (although he’s only 56!) and started to become obsessed with getting rid of his ‘dad body’.
I always thought he was in pretty good shape, but suddenly he started going to the gym at least once a day – sometimes twice on the weekend – and he started seeing results very quickly.
I think he is what you would now describe as ‘a hunk’, especially for his age, and he is understandably very proud of the work he has done.
The thing is…his new found self-confidence really makes me feel terrible about myself. While he spends his time at the gym, I pick up our three kids and take them to this activity and that activity, and by the time it’s all done, I’m exhausted and can’t even bear the thought of exercising .
Dear Jane, My husband has transformed his ‘dad body’ to become muscular and slim – and it has stopped me from having sex with him
But that lack of activity has left me with a bit of a tummy tuck and it’s been years since I’ve looked in the mirror and felt truly confident. But when my husband and I were in it together, it didn’t really matter.
Now that he’s gone and all ‘torn’, I can’t even bear the thought of him touching me. Our sex life has completely dried up because I can’t get over those awful thoughts about how dirty he must be when he looks at me.
He hasn’t said anything specific about my body, but he has made comments about how I might want to consider going to the gym because it was “so great for him,” and I can’t help but take those comments as sharp comments to be considered. my own physical form.
I have no idea what to do here. I was so happy and at ease for so long – but now it seems that blissful comfort was only on one side of our marriage?
By,
Mother Bod
Dear Mother Bod,
There’s a lot going on here, and my heart goes out to you, because change is often scary – and the law of physics dictates that when a partner’s behavior changes, it affects everything.
I want to focus on your sentence where you think how dirty he must be when he looks at you.
Dearest Mother Bod, that body of yours has produced three children, has endured the mill, has carried you through all these years, but what I feel behind your words is shame and self-loathing.
I’m guessing you’re in your late 40s or 50s, which means it’s likely you’re peri-menopausal or menopausal. We all think we know what menopause will feel like, yet we are shocked by the changes, by a body that redistributes weight, that holds every slice of bread we eat, that gives us bellies and pouches that we used to have. never.
If there’s one thing I know about men, it’s that they don’t see what we see when we look in the mirror. They embrace curves and softness, all the things that make us feminine.
Your husband may gently suggest the gym, not so much to change your appearance but – I suspect – to change your insides, to change the way you think about yourself.
The point is, life isn’t much fun when we hate our bodies and ourselves. I don’t know what it takes to love yourself, but I can share my own experience of spending years hating my body, wishing I was thinner, thinking I was too big, too much, that life would change. only works for me if I’m slim.
There have been times in my life where I lost weight, and aside from the initial sensation of being able to fit into anything I wanted to wear, I quickly discovered that I still didn’t like myself, that I was harder on myself. than someone else.
Until I was brave enough to do the work – therapy, meditation, lots of reading about how to live a happy life, and perhaps most importantly, focusing on myself and my problems instead of trying to blame someone else to give – I couldn’t be happy.
Until we love ourselves, with our abs, our chin sideburns, our varicose veins, our warmth, our curiosity, our ability to give, all the magical gifts that we as women are fortunate to have, we will never be happy with our partners, or our to live.
Your husband is clearly on a journey of his own, which is great for him, and scary for you. I can feel His love for you in this letter, and I urge you to begin your own journey to learn to love yourself.
It may be that exercising is part of that journey, it may be that you decide to accept yourself as you are. Anyway, this is a glorious tip from the universe, that it’s time to discover YOU. Sending you lots of love and strength.
Dear Jane,
I have two sons from two different men, to whom I am now happily married.
My former partner, the father of my first son, has also remarried a lovely woman with whom I get along very well. They now have a daughter together.
We all have a good dynamic and have done our best to organize mixed family holidays and holiday celebrations, which has been great. But for the past few times, my ex’s family has basically pretended that none of my sons exist. They shower his daughter with gifts and praise, but do nothing for his son. I understand (somewhat) if they don’t want to give my youngest son presents and so on, but their behavior is really starting to take a toll on my eldest – who no longer wants to spend time with his father’s family.
I tried to tell them a few times but was told that I am ungrateful and that I cannot be expected to have everyone love my children.
I don’t want my son to lose the connection with his father’s side of the family, but I can’t help but feel like they are forcing him out?
How do I talk them out of it?
By,
Becoming unmixed
Become Dear Unblended,
I feel your pain in this letter. There’s nothing worse than seeing your children rejected, especially by a family that should love them. Blessed are we who are fortunate enough to have modern blended families who recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes, in all sexualities and colors, bound together by loyalty and love, by the knowledge that the logical family is not made of blood alone , but who we choose.
Your son is already telling you what to do. As hard as it may feel, your job as a mother is to raise good adults who can go out into the world and fly.
You can’t always protect your children from hardship and rejection, and in fact, experiencing the hard things will build resilience and drive. But not like those hard things from his grandparents, uncles and aunts.
The modern blended family can be a wonderful thing. At first I had a really hard time dealing with my husband’s first family, but now we’ve celebrated Christmas and birthdays together, and it’s been great for the kids.
But for this to work in real life, rather than on a TV show, everyone has to cooperate and everyone has to treat the children with love and respect. Your husband’s family has not done this, and he is the one who needs to talk to them, if it is important to him that this relationship between his son and his family continues.
If they cannot see the pain they are causing, I urge you to stop the mixed holidays and shared celebrations.
Your boys can still maintain a good relationship with their father, and with any members of his family who are willing to welcome them, but you cannot and should not continue living together if your sons are rejected.