DEAR JANE: My husband told me I should get ‘mommy makeover’ SURGERY – because he’s not attracted to me after I gave birth to two kids

Dear Jane,

I gave birth to my second child eight months ago now and have had a difficult time postpartum health-wise.

I had some pretty terrible tearing that made it difficult for me to do anything active for weeks after my son was born, and the pregnancy was just a lot harder overall than it was with my firstborn.

I’m finally starting to feel a little more like myself, but it’s been quite a slow process – and my husband has been very supportive throughout.

As you can probably imagine, our sex life took a real nosedive while all this was going on, but lately I’ve been feeling more like I’m ready to get going again. Finally!

So last week at dinner I started talking to my husband about it, telling him I was ready to get things going again, so to speak – and he made a comment that, quite frankly, shocked me to the core. shook the depths of my heart.

He said I should definitely focus more on getting my body back into shape before we talk about sex…so we can both “feel real attraction again.”

I was so hurt I couldn’t say anything.

And actually it only got worse. He said he had researched a number of cosmetic and surgical procedures that he said “many mothers undergo after birth” to help them “feel their best again.”

He told me that “mommy makeovers” are completely normal these days and that “we” should think about them.

I never thought about getting plastic surgery, and I’m shocked that my husband is now basically demanding that I get it.

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When I asked what kind of makeover he thinks I need, he told me the “standard” procedures include a breast lift, tummy tuck and vaginal rejuvenation, which he said “seems pretty simple.”

I told him I would think about it, honestly just to shut him up so I could have some time to think.

Since then I can’t stop the conversation in my head. I guess this means he’s no longer attracted to me, which doesn’t feel like a problem that can be solved if I go under the knife?

Where the hell are we going?

By,

Postpartum shame

Dear Postpartum Compassion,

I hate to tell you this, but what a heartless man your husband is.

Your body has just undergone the most massive change, producing a new human being who has turned everything – physical, mental, emotional – upside down, and he is pressuring you to undergo surgery to keep him happy. to make?

Honestly, this isn’t his decision.

Any form of plastic surgery carries enormous risks; as someone who has never considered any form of procedure, the last thing you should do is consider doing so to satisfy someone else’s superficial desires.

And yet you say he has been supportive all along.

Therefore, I hope that there is still hope for him, and that he simply has no idea how hurtful, inappropriate and downright wrong his comments are.

Sit with him when the baby is sleeping, preferably in a calm, relaxed atmosphere, and tell him how you felt when he said that to you.

Tell him what you think about plastic surgery, and explain that many women never get their bodies back after giving birth.

If this is a dealbreaker, you’ll want to know sooner rather than later.

The only thing I know about marriage is that it is cyclical.

The good times pass, just like the bad – giving relationships enough time and acceptance, learning to love people for who they are, in good times and bad, brings a grace and comfort that is life-affirming.

I don’t know if your husband is up to the challenge, or if he just had a moment of thoughtlessness, but you won’t know either until you sit down with him and have an honest conversation about how his words and desires make you feel. have given . I wish you the best.