DEAR JANE: My husband ruined our family vacation by uttering one single sentence – now my parents are refusing to speak to me

Dear Jane,

My relationship with my parents recently fell apart thanks to my husband’s complete inability to keep quiet – and I’m at a loss for how to fix it.

In September my husband and I went on a cruise with my mom and dad. Cruises aren’t my thing, nor my husband’s, but my parents were so excited, we agreed to go with them.

The first few days were good, but after a week it became very clear that we were all ready to jump ship – and to no longer spend every waking moment together, especially my husband, who struggles when he doesn’t have that. lots of time for yourself.

He became increasingly irritated by my mother and father’s comments and questions about our future – when we will buy our own house, why we haven’t decided to leave the city yet and – the real sticking point – why we don’t have children had.

My husband and I decided early on in our relationship that we didn’t want to be parents, but it’s not something I’ve ever really discussed with my mom and dad.

I’m an only child and have always felt guilty about not wanting to give them the grandchildren they seem to want so much. It’s different for my husband, who comes from a large family and has lots of siblings to take the pressure off – so my parents’ constant questions about it really started to irritate him.

On our penultimate night on the cruise, we all had a few too many glasses of wine at dinner, and when the questions came up again, my husband just lost his cool and said point blank, “We’re never having kids, so drop it.”

You can imagine how well that went. Stunned silence, then anger from my father; tears from my mother. Both then left the table very quickly.

The last night of the cruise they said they wanted to eat alone in their room – and when we all said goodbye, things were incredibly tense.

It’s been weeks now and they still don’t really talk to me. They respond to text messages with short and curt replies, and every attempt I have made to explain my decision has been ignored.

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My husband has repeatedly apologized for his behavior and while I don’t blame him, I am very concerned that this one incident has damaged my relationship with my parents forever.

Is there anything I can do to resolve this?

By,

The boat rocked

Dear Rocked The Boat,

When we argue with our family members, especially our parents, it can feel like the wounds are broken forever, but often we all just need time to let our wounds heal.

I can sense how angry you are about this divide. You say your husband has apologized repeatedly, although you don’t say whether he apologized to you or to your parents.

If we assume that it is your parents’ fault, there is nothing more you can do.

Your choices in life are indeed that – your choices, made to suit you and your life, not your parents. As much as you all love each other, and as difficult as it may be for them to accept the choices you make that they disagree with or that make them unhappy, you should not feel guilty if you decide not to have children. no matter how much they hate it. It.

I also sympathize with them. I imagine they will need time to get over missing out on a phase of life they were looking forward to, but there is nothing more you can do to bridge this gap since you have already tried to explain your decision .

Cruises can be deadly. Locked together, with no escape possible, it’s easy to see how your husband eventually lost his temper. We all make mistakes, we are all fallible, we say things we don’t mean, or lash out at things we do. The most important thing is to then take responsibility for it and apologize. What did he do.

As painful as this is for you, I urge you to give your parents space and time to heal and miss you now. As painful as this is for them, losing the relationship with their only daughter seems like a very high price.

Focus on your life and your relationship with your husband. I suspect your parents will recover once they come to terms with what must have felt like shocking news to them.

Dear Jane,

I was cleaning out my daughter’s bedroom yesterday and found weed and mushrooms hidden in a drawer. My daughter is only 17 years old and I had no idea she even knew what weed and mushrooms were, let alone used them.

My first instinct was to immediately confiscate everything I found, but I didn’t want her to think I’d been poking around in her room, so I left it all where I’d found it.

I have no idea if this is an indication that she has a bigger problem, but even if it isn’t, I know that these types of drugs can also be gateways to much, much more serious substances if their use is left unchecked.

She’s never been the kind of kid to get into trouble or throw wild parties, and I don’t want her to feel like I don’t trust her – but I also can’t pretend that I haven’t found what I found.

How can I talk to her about it without her feeling like I’ve crossed a line and violated her privacy?

By,

Panicked parent

Dear Panicky Parents,

Aren’t it always the children we least suspect that surprise us the most? I can imagine your shock and fear when you found the medication, but now this is a golden opportunity to build trust with her and help your relationship grow closer.

You didn’t invade her privacy, you were cleaning her room. If I know anything about teenage girls, I know how necessary this is.

There are only so many times a mother can avert her gaze when the carpet is covered in piles of clothes and all the mugs and bowls are gone, usually lurking somewhere in a teenager’s bedroom.

The key here is your tone. If she’s shocked, angry, or judgmental, she won’t be willing to hear anything you say. However, if you sit down with her and gently tell her that you found the drugs while cleaning up and that you need to discuss it with her, and then are open and curious about what she did, she is much more likely to talk to you about it. engages in conversation. .

Make sure it is an open conversation rather than an interrogation. Sharing experiences you’ve had with drugs, especially as a teen, will help her feel safe enough to talk openly.

An honest, non-judgmental conversation is the key here to keep the lines of communication open.

Most teenagers I know have experimented with weed, and mushrooms are having a huge resurgence. Neither of these are necessarily a gateway drug, and the more you bring them into the light and make it a normal conversation, the less danger there is to your daughter.

It’s much better for the two of you to be able to discuss her drug use without judgment or shame, so you can keep an eye on whether she might be doing other things.

You want her to feel safe enough to tell you, because she does, and imposing the law will only encourage her to keep even more things secret.