DEAR JANE: My husband just confessed his biggest turn-OFF about my body… and I’m disgusted

Dear Jane,

My husband confessed something about himself that I find really offensive – and it has made me quite disgusted with him.

He made his confession last week, when I was making a shopping list for him.

I was busy listing the usual things – fruit, butter, bread, toilet paper – and realized I was out of tampons, so I added those to the list without thinking twice.

But when he read it before he went to the store, he snorted in disgust and told me bluntly that he would rather not get tampons. Could I just get them myself the next time I was in the store, he asked.

Since my husband is 34, I didn’t think something as silly as tampons would make him feel so bad.

I said I thought it was a bit childish of him to be afraid to pick them up. I pointed out that he was wearing a wedding ring, so anyone who saw him would surely think he was getting them for his wife.

But then the truth came out: He said it wasn’t about his shame, but that menstruation in general is something he hates. He hates the thought of it, even going so far as to describe it as “his biggest turn-off ever.”

As I stood there staring at him in horror, he told me that it makes him feel “gross” when I’m on my period and that’s why he always avoids sex at that time of the month.

I always assumed the reason he didn’t try it in bed when I was on my period was because he was trying to be respectful. Apparently not.

Ultimately, he basically said that he understands that menstruation is inevitable and that he wants me to feel comfortable during that time of the month, but that he would be happier if I just kept “those things” to myself.

Then he kissed me and walked to the store where – surprise! – he didn’t buy any tampons.

There’s something about this whole interaction that left me with such a bad feeling. Am I married to an immature man-child?

He continues as if the conversation never happened, unaware that I still feel disgusted.

So the question now is: Should I bring it up and tell him how I feel, risking a huge fight? Or should I secretly suffer through my period without ever saying a word?

By,

Bloody disaster

Dear Bloody Disaster,

Research suggests that the way men experience menstruation is closely related to how they were exposed to it as a child.

Men who grew up with women – mothers, sisters, etc. – who accepted menstruation as normal and talked about it openly rather than hiding it, tend to be much more comfortable with the topic.

For men who don’t fall into this category, it’s surprisingly common to feel disgusted by the idea of ​​menstrual blood.

It is often compared to blood from an injury, or worse, feces.

I’m sure none of this will make you feel any better, but it may help you understand that as painful as it was to witness your husband’s behavior, his reaction was not as unusual as you might think.

Ultimately, most men, even those who initially felt disgusted, will eventually become quite indifferent to your monthly bleeding through regular communication and a healthy relationship.

Communication is essential here.

It strikes me that your husband doesn’t know enough about women’s bodies and how they work. Helping to educate him is your best chance to help him feel more comfortable with you.

I wish you the best of luck.

Dear Jane,

Last week my eight-year-old son came home from school with a black eye and he refuses to tell me how he got it.

It is the first time he has tried to lie or hide information from me. He is normally a very open and honest child and there has never been a time when he hesitated to talk to me or his father about anything.

He’s also not violent or aggressive in any way, so I’d find it hard to believe he got into a fight on the playground.

His teachers say they have no idea what happened, that he went to lunch with the rest of the kids, came back and had a huge smear on his face, and when they asked him what happened he wouldn’t tell them either.

They called me to pick him up and I took him to the doctor for a thorough examination, asking him repeatedly what had happened.

I assured him that he wouldn’t get into any trouble, asked him if he had fallen, bumped into something, had gotten into a fight with another boy or girl, but he kept saying he didn’t know.

The dark sides of my thoughts are driving me crazy: I worry that he is being seriously bullied and I don’t dare talk about it… or worse, what if he got into a fight with an adult who told him to keep things secret?!

I don’t know how to convince him to tell the truth.

I’ve been firm, reassuring, and even tried to bribe him with his favorite snacks and more time on the Xbox.

The last time I asked him about it he burst into tears and it broke my heart, but it also proved to me that there is something bad going on that he doesn’t want to admit.

Do you think I should take him to a therapist to see if they have any success?

By,

Tiger Mother

Dear tiger mother,

As a parent, I know there is a tendency to jump in and protect our children from the pain they are experiencing, especially in this day and age, when we are also dealing with the modern war zone of social media.

Parenting has become a full-time job. Many mothers want to wrap their children in cotton wool so that they have a perfect, peaceful childhood.

I understand your pain and confusion about not knowing what happened, I truly do.

But unless your son is showing further signs of trauma, such as not wanting to go to school or suddenly becoming moody or withdrawn, I would encourage you to try to let this issue go.

If you pressure him to tell you what happened, or take him to a therapist and try to force him to share, there is little chance that the communication between you will improve.

Stay present and loving, be open to whatever he wants to tell you. He may decide to share at a time when he feels particularly safe, when you are talking about something completely different.

He may also worry about how you will react. For example, he may assume that if he reveals a fight with another child, you will be on the phone with his parents or school, making things worse for him.

It is certainly worth assuring him that you will not interfere in his life, no matter how much the truth makes you want to intervene. That you only want to make sure he is okay, and will advise him if he needs it.

But even then he may not share it, in which case I would suggest you move on.

Our children have a whole life outside our field of vision that has little to do with us. That life is part of growing up.

As painful as it is to see our children being hurt and not having the full picture, you cannot and should not intervene in his school life unless, as I say, his behavior changes radically or this happens again.

Your role is to be a loving advisor, not an ever-present helicopter parent.