DEAR JANE: My husband has been sending flirty emails to his ex-fiancee for YEARS – I’m horrified by what he’s been saying to her

Dear Jane,

My husband of 39 years has been sending flirty messages to his ex-fiance every day for at least 25 years – and it’s driving me crazy.

I first heard that he had been in regular contact with her when our phone bill came in; because she lives abroad, his calls to her showed up as separate (and very expensive) charges. Although the call wasn’t every day, I realized he was chatting with her at least once a week, which I found very surprising and quite hurtful.

Then I found out they were also texting each other when her name popped up on his phone on New Year’s Eve. It turned out they’d also exchanged emails, a fact I learned when I showed him how to add a photo to a message—and saw one from her in his inbox.

I tried not to make a big deal out of it, but when I came back to his computer later that day, I saw that there had been a series of daily messages going back years, many of which contained very suggestive and flirty comments.

He insists that they are just “pen pals”… but even though I know he is committed to our marriage, and has been for almost forty years, the correspondence between the two of them has really upset me.

He signs all his messages with kisses, responds with a wink when she sends photos of herself at the beach, and they’ve even discussed her sex life with her own husband — and that’s just a handful of the emails they’ve received . exchanged.

She seems to know everything about our life together – from our children’s birthdays to our daily agenda. He always only refers to me by the first letter of my name, which makes it feel like he’s trying to hide the fact that I even exist.

She says things to him like, “I wish I could call you and hear your voice, I have imaginary conversations with you in my head,” and he always responds with his own flirty answers. She regularly gives her opinions on things that happen in our lives, even how our house is decorated, and I now know that he has made decisions based on the things she has said.

Several times in the past I have walked into a room and he has quickly closed his laptop… I used to laugh about it, but now I clearly know why.

He said he won’t email her anymore, but I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust him again. He hid these emails and chats with her from me for so long. How can I know if he’s doing it behind my back?

I feel betrayed by his deception – and honestly, I feel like a third wheel in my own marriage. I’m having a really hard time, but after 38 years of marriage and at the age of 61, I also don’t want to leave my house and get divorced.

How do I make sure he understands my side of things?

By,

Illegal pen pal

Dear illegal pen pal,

I am so sorry that you have made such a painful discovery, and please know that it is completely natural for you to feel whatever you are feeling. Although they only communicate by phone, the fact that he has regular, sometimes flirtatious contact with an ex-girlfriend is disturbing at best.

We all deserve to feel safe in our relationships, and whatever the reasons are for keeping this ex in his life in this way, you need to be very clear about how this has affected you, and communicate that to him , as you did.

I think that, given the length of your marriage, this situation would benefit from a therapeutic intervention to enable him to understand how much his choices have hurt you and how your trust has been eroded.

Be very clear about what you will and will not tolerate. No matter how difficult it is, you have the right to indicate your boundary, and the consequences if that boundary is not respected.

I have a friend who just went through something similar. He told her he had broken off contact, but a series of text messages followed the following week.

As harsh as this decision was, she ended the relationship, knowing that she deserved someone who didn’t lie or disrespect her in that way. It was an act of radical self-care.

Take care of yourself and know that you deserve respect and truth. I hope a therapist can help you get there.

Dear Jane,

My sister—who is also my son’s godmother—gave him an extremely luxurious gift for his high school graduation a few years ago, and now that it’s her son’s turn, she expects me to do the same. .and is furious that I’ve told her I just can’t afford it.

I’ve never had it particularly good. I’m making ends meet, but I don’t really have any savings to fall back on, and any extra money I can scrape together goes toward helping my son pay for college.

When my son graduated, my sister, who has the advantage of being married to a very wealthy financier, said she wanted to do something special for me and him by buying him a car so I wouldn’t have to worry about him . going to and from college.

I’ve tried repeatedly to undermine that idea, mainly because I don’t think children should just be given these kinds of life-changing purchases without understanding what it means to work for them, but also because I hated that I was never able to give him a ​​to deliver such an incredible surprise.

Eventually she wore me down and on the day of my graduation she presented my son with a Jeep. Unsurprisingly, he was absolutely over the moon about it. And to be honest, having his own car has proven to be incredibly useful for him, especially as it means he can get back from university a lot more often than I think he would have.

But now it’s my cousin’s turn to graduate from high school, and she’s pressuring me to come up with my own over-the-top gift to celebrate his special day. When I told her I couldn’t afford to buy him such an incredibly expensive gift, she seemed annoyed and asked why I didn’t start saving for something the moment she gave my son his car.

It sounds like she’s already told him to expect something incredible from me, and now I’m terrified of letting them both down.

What shall I do?

By,

Desperate times

Dear desperate times,

Far be it from me to suggest that your sister behaves in a way that is just and cruel, and that a gift, no matter how bizarre, with strings attached is not a gift at all.

Giving anything is an act of generosity, and there can be no expectation of anything in return. If there is an expectation, the gift is not generous, but manipulative and self-centered, as you unfortunately discover.

You don’t have to feel guilty for not answering, nor do you have to feel guilty for telling your sister all of the above and feeling manipulated by her demands even though you have clearly stated your financial situation.

As for the fear of abandoning your nephew, let it go. That’s absolutely not necessary, and you can easily explain that you wish you could buy him something amazing to show how proud you are of him.

I should also say here that a huge gift for a high school graduate is ridiculous. Especially from an aunt.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, and nothing to be afraid of. Your sister and her family have different values ​​and the means to achieve those values.

Focus on your own family and the healthy values ​​you have instilled.