DEAR JANE: My husband and I are going bankrupt – here’s why I REFUSE to accept help from his wealthy family
- In her latest column about pain aunt, bestselling author Jane Green gives candid advice to a woman struggling with money – and her ego
- Do you have a question for Jane? Email dearjane@mailonline.com or ask below
- READ MORE: My Fiance Refused to Reschedule Our Wedding, So My Family Won’t Come
Dear Jane,
It’s been a very difficult few years for me and my husband. We both lost our jobs, had little savings to fall back on, and really struggled to make ends meet.
We are forced to take out a second mortgage on our house and are now far behind on our monthly payments.
My husband comes from a very wealthy family, who made no secret of their dislike of me from the beginning of our relationship. So much so that my husband virtually cut them out of his life because of their cruelty towards me.
I don’t come from wealth or privilege, and I think they always felt like I was beneath them.
Dear Jane, My husband and I are struggling for money, but I refuse to accept help from his wealthy family. He says I am stubborn, but I don’t want to go to them for alms
But now that we are in such a difficult situation, my husband has suggested several times that we go to his parents for help – and I hate the idea. It feels like going to them for a handout would only reinforce all the horrible assumptions they’ve made about me, and make them feel like I’m putting my husband down.
I know it seems stubborn, but I am very firm in my decision here, and it is causing serious problems between me and my husband, who thinks I am “letting my ego get in the way of our financial survival.”
I was always raised to take care of myself and solve my own problems, but I don’t want that mentality to destroy my marriage when, honestly, that’s the only thing I have left in my life.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her column Dear Jane agony aunt
Is there any way I can get myself out of this mess without begging his tense family for money?
By,
Down and out
Dear Down and Out,
Financial insecurity is a cruel cross to bear. It’s scary and destabilizing, and I can only imagine your fear for the future.
I am also reminded of the old parable about the man who climbed onto the roof during a flood and prayed to God to save him. A rowboat came and a man said, ‘Jump in! I can save you!’
“No thanks,” the man said. “I pray to God and he’s going to save me.”
Then a motorboat came and the same thing happened, and finally a helicopter arrived and threw down a ladder, but the man said no because he was waiting for God to save him.
He drowns, and as soon as he gets to heaven, he angrily says to God, ‘What happened? I prayed to you and you did not save me?’
God says, ‘What do you mean? I sent you a rowboat, a motorboat and a helicopter…’
There are many benefits to being self-reliant, but there are also pitfalls.
Asking for help when you’re in trouble, and also being open to receiving help, can be extremely difficult for women who are used to doing everything themselves.
Opening yourself up to that possibility could be life-changing for you. It doesn’t have to be a handout, and in fact, I suggest that if his parents are willing and able to help you, you work out a plan to pay them back.
This can ease some of your discomfort when you go to them, or even someone else, for help.
Don’t cut off your nose to ruin your face if you are lucky enough to have people in the family who might be able to ease your discomfort at the moment.
I wish you good luck.