Dear Jane,
My fiance and I are getting married this spring and have planned a destination wedding Italy – something my partner said was always her dream.
But not long after we got engaged and started planning the ceremony, my grandfather had a pretty bad accident that left him in a wheelchair and unable to travel long distances.
So my mother asked if we would be willing to reconsider taking the wedding to the US so that my grandpa could be there – and she suggested that we might take our honeymoon to Italy instead.
Honestly, I would love to do the wedding here, mainly because it will be a lot cheaper for everyone involved, including ourselves. But my fiancé refused to budge and told me she was very angry that my mother had even asked that, knowing how much an Italian wedding means to her.
Dear Jane, My future wife refuses to move our destination wedding back to the US so my sick grandfather can attend – now my mother says she won’t come
I tried to explain her position to my mother, who said it was selfish of us not to consider my grandfather’s feelings.
Finally, she said that if Grandpa can’t be there, she doesn’t want to come because she doesn’t want to encourage my fiancée’s “selfish behavior.”
She even suggested that this whole affair has proven that our relationship isn’t meant to last… I don’t think that’s the case, but it’s certainly made me look at my fiancé in a different light to look.
I’m not really sure what to do here – I don’t want to upset my fiancé by telling her to cancel her dream wedding, but I also don’t really want to get married without my mother and grandfather there to see it?
The most important thing for me is that I get married. I don’t care where we do it, or how many people are there, but I know it will ruin my memories of this day in the future if my family isn’t with me. side.
International bestselling author Jane Green offers sage advice on DailyMail.com readers’ most burning issues in her column Dear Jane agony aunt
How can I make everyone happy?
By,
Groom Doom
Dear Groom Doom,
One of the unfortunate truths of life is that you can’t please all the people all the time.
There is no easy solution here. Or you’ll upset your family, or your fiancé.
It’s hard to know if your mother tends to make high-maintenance requests, or if she’s your future wife.
What I do know is that rather than thinking of marriage as the beginning of a happily ever after, you should think of it as the beginning of a journey, some of which may feel like a bumpy rollercoaster of a ride as you other times the road might be quite tough. Any warning signs, anything that makes you see your partner in a different light, is worth exploring further before the big day.
That said, it’s important to understand that the two most important people in this are you and your fiancé.
The two of you need to talk to each other about reaching a compromise where you will both be happy, or, as so often happens when making compromises, you may both be a little unhappy, but there is a middle ground that will work. both.
This isn’t about pleasing family members, it’s about the two of you, and only the two of you can decide together how to move forward.
You have already indicated that you do not want to get married without your family. I hope the two of you can come to a decision that honors that, and that honors her wishes for Italy. Every decision that ignores the wishes of the other seems to me to be a red flag that you cannot and should not ignore.
Dear Jane,
My husband continues to go to strip clubs – even though I’ve told him over and over how much it hurts my feelings.
I found out six months ago that he was secretly traveling to these clubs with his brother, who is single and has always had an obsession with strippers. He even hired a stripper for his birthday and seemed to have a lot of fun letting my husband lap dance with her.
When I found out where they went on their “guys night out,” I confronted my husband and explained my feelings about it.
I’ve made it very clear that I’m not trying to stop him from having fun, but that the idea of strip clubs makes me very uncomfortable and I don’t think it’s an appropriate place for him to spend his time.
He insisted that he doesn’t really enjoy going, that he only does it to appease his brother, and that he never pays for lap dances or anything like that, but I still can’t wrap my head around the fact that he’s going at all.
I know he’s been back a few times since we had that conversation and I can’t get over the fear that he’s doing it, not because of his brother, but because I’m not attractive enough for him anymore?
By,
Buttoned up
Dear Button up,
The biggest problem with this story may not be that your husband goes to strip clubs with his brother, but that he kept it a secret from you.
We tend to keep secrets because of shame or guilt. I have no idea if this applies in this situation, but it seems like it does. Whatever his excuses for why he goes and how much he hates it, the bottom line is that when we discover secrets, trust is eroded.
The fact that you have clearly told him how you feel about him leaving, and that instead of stopping, he is trying to make you the one in the wrong, does not indicate a healthy pattern in your marriage.
What strikes me in your letter is your fear of not being attractive enough for him. My heart breaks for you for this, because this is not about your attractiveness, but about your self-worth.
His behavior is unacceptable, and the breadcrumbs he throws at you, the justification, is likely to only cause further damage to your self-esteem.
Curled up, I want you to find a therapist, and see why you think you deserve someone who keeps secrets from you, and keeps doing things you specifically asked him not to do, when he knows how much you hate it .
This is not an easy solution, but I want you to keep the focus on yourself, on building your own self-esteem and learning to set clear boundaries that, if broken, will not show you that you are not attractive enough but that you love yourself enough to move on to someone who not only loves you, but also treats you with respect.