DEAR JANE: My family has been torn apart by an argument over a RECIPE – their insane behavior is driving me crazy

Dear Jane,

I honestly never thought I’d write these words, but… my family has been devastated by a stupid argument over a recipe and I’m in the middle of a terrible feud with no idea how to resolve it.

I know it sounds crazy, but this whole situation has spiraled out of control so quickly that I’m afraid it will permanently ruin relationships at this point.

To explain: my grandmother passed away a few months ago. We were all so sad because she really was the glue that held us all together, as corny as that sounds.

Every holiday was celebrated at her home, every birthday was marked by a gift and card from her, and it felt like she was always the one passing down stories and traditions to all of us. So when she died, I think everyone was afraid that we would lose all those special things that meant so much to her.

Ultimately, her death actually led to a sort of battle between my mother and her sisters over who would be the new “top dog” in the family. They had little argument about who would host the dinners and who would make a better version of Grandma’s favorite dishes… which then led to a crazy argument over her old recipe books.

My grandmother made this famous – at least for us! – pasta dish. It was something we ate all the time as kids and she made it for us every time we came to her house as we got older.

It was completely her recipe and even her children didn’t know how it was made.

Before our first family meeting after her death, my mother and her two sisters started arguing about it. My aunt, who is single and has no children of her own, bore the brunt of organizing my grandmother’s things, so she ended up with her recipe book.

My mother and her other sister insisted that she hand it over, but she refused and instead offered to have everyone come to her house, where she would make the pasta.

We all ended up going to my aunt’s house and to her credit, she did an excellent job with the pasta. We all thought so. But then the bickering over the recipe started again.

Every time we got together there was a fight. My mother and her sister even went hunting around my aunt’s house looking for the recipe book – and when she caught them looking through her underwear drawer the last time we were there, she told them they were no longer welcome, and even threatened to burn the recipe so that no one could ever get it again.

That was about two weeks ago and they still haven’t spoken. Instead, they use me as a strange messenger to convey their bitter insults to each other.

It sounds crazy, I know it is, but I’m actually very afraid that a plate of pasta will drive a wedge into my family that will never be removed.

So what should I do?

By,

Recipe for disaster

Best recipe for disaster,

Despite the fact that I am now hungry and eager to know the recipe behind your grandmother’s pasta dish, I can only imagine how disturbing it must be to watch your mother and her siblings develop into their most childlike selves .

You may leave the family, but the family, and especially your role in it, usually remains the same. Fighting for their mother’s attention sounds like something your mother and aunts have experienced for years, and now they’re competing for the cherished role of top dog.

You describe your late grandmother as the glue that held the family together. The great thing about glue is that it only lasts as long as it lasts; when the glue disappears, the thing that was held together immediately falls apart.

There will be no other glue because no one can take on that role, and the sisters may have to go through their grieving period alone before they can come back together and acknowledge their petty behavior and their pain.

And there may be a rift that lasts much longer.

Either way, your role is not to heal your family’s wounds, nor to be the messenger.

Your peace is at stake, so you need to set a very clear boundary: tell everyone that you love them, that you hope they can work things out among themselves, and that you don’t like being put in the middle, and that you don’t want to stop talking about it.

Stick to your guns, no matter how shocked they will be. Distance yourself from the drama, because it is not your job to solve it, nor to intervene with parents who behave like children.

I hope they find out, and I hope you take care of yourself.

Dear Jane,

After struggling with metal health problems for several years – during which time I became a bit of a recluse – I finally decided to give life a second chance: therapy is going great and I’ve even started studying again.

Of course, I find myself longing for romance again because of all this.

The problem is that I ended my last relationship as an attractive 31 year old, and now that I’m 38, with a belly, some wrinkles and thinning hair, I just don’t get noticed as much as I used to.

I used to attract attention on the streets, and now suddenly the streets are not only full of young girls showing a lot of skin, but also full of men who can’t stop looking at their phones.

I never really used dating apps when I was trying to meet people, but now people are telling me that’s the only way to find someone? I know they’re good for connecting with people, but I also know they’re heavily image-based and that really turns me off. Right now I’m very dissatisfied with my body and overall appearance, so the idea of ​​men judging me purely based on photos is terrifying.

How do I get out of this? Any advice you can give would mean a lot.

By,

Hopeful Phoenix

Dear Hopeful Phoenix,

Oh my dear Phoenix, I wish you weren’t so hard on yourself, I wish you could turn the clock forward to 48, and 58, and so on, when you look back at pictures of you at 38 and know exactly how beautiful you were .

They say age is just a number, but beauty, my dear Phoenix, has nothing to do with age. Beauty radiates from within, from the confidence you gain when you accept yourself as you are.

No one cares about a baby bump, wrinkles, or thinning hair as much as you might think.

And there is nothing more beautiful than a woman who feels comfortable in her own skin, a woman who does not care about her weight, who can step onto the dance floor and let the music transport her to another dimension.

Dating apps can be a ton of fun at first, but demoralizing after a while.

It is better to focus on building a full life, getting out of your comfort zone, meeting new people, not with an agenda of romance, but of expanding your life and embracing it.

And I’d love for you to talk to your therapist about giving affirmations or meditations, and really work on learning to love yourself.