DEAR JANE: My ex-husband’s new wife punishes our children in the most VILE way – but he refuses to stop her

Dear Jane,

I have two children with my ex-husband – an eight-year-old son and a six-year-old daughter. My ex and I separated when our children were four and two, and we both remarried.

When we met our partners, we were very conscious of introducing them to our children as gently as possible. We took the time to make sure they were the right people to include in our blended family dynamic.

My second husband has a son of his own and is very good with children, so I wasn’t too worried. However, my ex’s new wife has never had children and I know she was very nervous about the idea of ​​taking on the role of stepmother.

So, understandably, she was a little more reserved than my husband when she met them, although I assumed she would warm up to them as she got to know them better.

Our children are very energetic and confident, which is something we have always encouraged, but it also means that discipline is a big asset in our families.

When our son was first born, my ex and I had a conversation about what behavior we would and would not tolerate, and what kind of parents we wanted to be.

We agreed that we would never use physical violence or yelling to correct our children, but instead we would focus more on conversation and education to explain right from wrong.

But despite sharing this with both partners, it seems my ex’s new wife didn’t get the message.

When my kids came home from a sleepover at their dad’s yesterday, my son told me he got in trouble for stealing candy from the kitchen cupboard and his stepmother punished him by hitting him in the hands with a wooden spoon.

I immediately called his father to ask what on earth had happened, but he said he wasn’t home at the time and that when he got home, our son was in his room playing video games and that he “looked fine.”

Now, my son had no visible injuries from this so-called punishment – ​​which was the first thing my ex asked for – but that doesn’t matter to me. I am furious that this woman dared to hit my child, when my ex and I had explicitly told her that we do not use violence to discipline.

My ex, however, did not seem to share my horror. He insisted that he would talk to his wife about it, but then said that he wanted her to feel that she had the right to raise our children the way she wanted.

I am really struggling with this, Jane. I am not comfortable with having my children stay with this woman again, but I do not want to cause any problems in what has been a pretty good period of co-parenting with my ex. But I cannot and will not subject my children to that kind of behavior.

Should I trust my ex to work it out, or should I take more drastic measures?

By,

A spoon full of problems

Dear Spoonful of Problems,

I am so sorry this happened. I know exactly how painful it is to leave your young children in the care of their other parent, only to see them treated horribly by the stepparent. And I know how helpless you feel.

But not only can you not trust your ex to solve this problem on his own, you also need to intervene immediately to protect your children.

Your ex-husband has already shown you that he is not willing to protect the children from his wife, and he does not care if his wife disciplines them in a way that you both disagree with. FYI, according to the US-Child-Development and Family Center, rough treatment of a child in any way is a form of corporal punishment, and hitting a child with a wooden spoon is considered abuse.

I hear you don’t want to cause any trouble, but you are the only one who can step in and set a boundary to protect your children.

According to the CDC, moderate physical punishment has been linked to a number of short-term negative consequences in children, including: increased aggression and antisocial behavior, decreased cognitive ability, and lower self-esteem.

Mom, your job is to ensure the physical, emotional, and mental well-being of your children. Consequences for bad behavior are necessary. Physical abuse, especially from a stepparent, while somewhat irrelevant, is not. Set aside your people-pleasing, conciliatory nature and rise to the challenge.

The safety and well-being of your children depends on it.

I would start by going to your husband’s wife and letting her know the above information. Let her know that if this ever happens again, you will go to the police and take legal action to stop the visitation.

I may also want to speak with your divorce attorney and see what your legal position is regarding custody and whether it would be important to report this incident to the police so that a record can be created.

I am sorry it has come to this, but your priority is your children, and this woman has absolutely no right, parental or legal, to bring an instrument to your child as a form of punishment. Your job now is to ensure their protection, and that there will be very serious consequences if she does it again.

Dear Jane,

Three years ago, my best friend’s husband came to me for some financial help. They were both going through IVF and their savings were running out at a frightening rate, so he asked if I could lend them some money to continue their IVF journey.

He then asked me to keep it a secret from my best friend because he didn’t want to cause her any more stress when she was already dealing with the devastation of failed IVF rounds. Although I felt a little uncomfortable at the thought of lying to her, I agreed because honestly, I wanted to do everything in my power to help her achieve her dream of becoming a mother.

He told me he would start saving right away and that he wanted to pay me back within six months. I had some money in my savings account that I wasn’t using, about $15,000, so I agreed to lend it to him so they wouldn’t have to cancel their next round of fertility treatments.

I am so happy that about a year later they had a beautiful daughter and I am now the proud godmother of that little girl.

When the six month period was up, my best friend was pregnant. When her husband didn’t say he wanted to pay me back, I decided to give him some more time so they could both get used to parenthood.

But now it’s been three years since that deadline passed. And despite me asking him multiple times, he now flatly refuses to give the money back. He claims he can’t afford it and that all the money they earn goes to raising their daughter.

I understand that having children is expensive – I have two of my own! – but my husband and I are in the process of renovating our house and really need that money to make our own dreams come true.

I don’t want to damage my relationship with my best friend by telling her I lent him the money behind her back, but I don’t know how else to make him pay? He seems to be okay with the fact that he basically stole from me and shows no remorse?

So what should I do?

By,

Piggy bank in the middle

Dear Piggy Bank in the Middle,

Oh, but this is painful to read, and even more painful for you if you keep expecting to see this money again.

When Shakespeare wrote in Hamlet, “Be neither a borrower nor a lender, for borrowing often loses both itself and a friend…” he knew what he was talking about.

I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but the only way you can make peace with this is to rewrite the story and see it as a gift.

You can, and probably should, tell your friend, but I’m afraid that will blow up your friendship in a way that only the topic of money can. That risk might be worth it to you.

Either way, I think it’s unlikely they’ll be able to refund you.

Instead, if you are able, consider this a valuable life lesson. Never, ever lend money to anyone.

If friends or family are in financial trouble and you are willing and able to help them, consider that money as a gift and do not expect to get it back. It is the only way to maintain friendships when money is involved.