DEAR JANE: My daughter-in-law is a TERRIBLE mother – I don’t feel safe leaving my grandchild with her

Dear Jane,

My son and his wife – who I’ve never really loved, if I’m completely honest – welcomed my first grandchild last month, a beautiful little girl.

As I’m sure you can imagine, I was thrilled to welcome her to the family, and I made sure that both my son and his wife knew that I would be there to help them with whatever they needed, especially in the first few months. after the birth.

I know how difficult things can be for new parents; I remember being terrified that I would do something that could harm my son or that I would make a mistake that would have a terrible effect on him later in life.

Parenthood comes with a lot of pressure – and a lot of work – and I wanted them to know they could lean on me. But to my surprise, they never seemed to need or want my help.

When my granddaughter was two weeks old, I decided to drop by for an impromptu visit, but when I got there, no one was home.

When I called my daughter-in-law, she said she was out for a girls’ lunch and would be home in 30 hours “after she finished her wine.” Now I don’t want to judge too harshly, but the idea that my daughter-in-law brought her two-week-old baby to a girls’ luncheon where they were eating alcohol It just seems… irresponsible to say the least.

Since then, there has hardly been a day when she has been home. She goes out for lunch and dinner all the time, sometimes with friends, sometimes with my son, and doesn’t seem to have any concern for my granddaughter’s comfort or safety on these outings.

When I had lunch with her last week, she drank three glasses of wine and joked that she had to “pump and dump” her breast milk so her daughter “wouldn’t end up getting drunk.”

She hates using a stroller, so she keeps her daughter in a baby carrier on her chest, and at one point she put her wine glass on her daughter’s back and said she wishes she had had it years ago thought about having such a handy cup holder.

When we went back to their house after lunch, she had a revolving door of visitors, none of whom washed their hands before picking up the baby, and she happily passed her around to everyone without so much as a glance. sure they held her tight.

I’m sure there are those who will say that I’m oversensitive and that motherhood looks different for everyone… but I’m increasingly concerned about her cavalier attitude to parenting and feel like the time has come for me to do something should say?

How can I express these concerns without them excluding me?

By,

Grandma Gripes

Dear Grandma Gripes,

First of all, congratulations on your beautiful granddaughter.

But now I must tell you that unless you want to completely alienate your son, his wife, and their daughter, you need to distance yourself.

No matter how much you disagree with your daughter-in-law’s parenting style, this is her child, not yours.

Showing up unannounced, offering help when not asked for, looking critically at the way they want to raise their daughter, only leads in one direction, and it is not the right one.

Your job as a grandmother is to be what the mother wants you to be.

Wait for her to ask for help and advice, rather than offering it unsolicited. Expressing your opinion, especially if it is critical (no matter how right you may be), will likely do nothing but make the mother want to have less and less to do with you.

I sense your concern, but generations of babies have survived without everyone washing their hands, and your granddaughter will too.

Don’t forget that your daughter-in-law is also finding her way in this new role. Being a new mom is unspeakably lonely, and she needs a community of other young moms to figure things out.

Be there as a loving, non-judgmental helper, and I suspect your relationship will blossom.

Dear Jane,

I am 24 years old and still live with my father. My mother passed away when I was a baby and my father has been single ever since, so we have always been very close.

When the time came for me to choose a college, I looked everywhere – including some that were on the other side of the country from where we live… but in the end I felt so guilty about the idea of ​​doing my to leave father. that I ended up going to a school close to home.

At that point, my father said I might as well live at home and save money instead of racking up insane debt trying to pay for my own housing.

My dad thought it was pretty cool to let me participate in the college social life, and I would often stay with friends on campus when I went to a party or something like that. But two years after graduating college, I’m still living at home, and every time I bring up the idea of ​​me moving, my dad shuts down or makes an excuse to change the subject, or says something like, ” Why ruin a good thing?’

I don’t want to hurt his feelings and I know he must be terrified of the idea of ​​living alone after all this time, but I’m desperate to finally have some independence.

I’ve never really dated as an adult – if you can call me that – and it’s starting to get really embarrassing to tell people at work that I still live at home.

I make enough money to pay the rent and while I’m so grateful to my dad for letting me live rent free for so long, I feel like it’s time for me to experience life out there in the real world, without the security net that has provided him with all these years.

How do I tell him without hurting him?

By,

Picket Fence Prison

Dear Picket Fence Prison,

I’m so glad you wrote and expressed your need for independence. While it’s understandable that you and your father are close after your mother’s death, you’re right to strive for independence.

It is the job of parents to raise their children to be prosperous, independent adults who can make their way in the world and function successfully and autonomously from their parents.

Enmeshment – ​​when family members react emotionally to each other and become unhealthyly intertwined in ways that keep them from living their own lives – is what is happening here, and I commend you for recognizing that this is not a healthy pattern.

As nice as it is to see how much you care about your father, it is not healthy for either of you. You have to build your life, and you can help your father build his life without you.

Then when he says, “Why ruin a good thing?” Explain that it’s time for you to spread your wings and experience life as an independent adult, and he should do the same. Encourage him to take up classes, hobbies, and ways to meet other people and build a healthy social life that doesn’t revolve around you.

If he continues to struggle, find a mental health professional he can talk to. It may well be that even after all these years, he still hasn’t come to terms with the grief of losing your mother. It’s time for him to process that sadness and let you go.