Dear Jane,
Over the past few months, I have been feeling very uncomfortable with the way my brother acts around my husband. I only got married four months ago and since the ceremony my brother – who is gay – is openly flirting with him and it's getting more and more awkward every time we see him.
I have always been close to my brother and traded dating horror stories with him for years before meeting the man who would eventually become my husband.
It was very important to me that he and my brother got along, so I made sure to introduce them early in the relationship, and they seemed to get along like a house on fire.
But after we got married, something broke? My brother has changed completely.
Dear Jane, My brother won't stop flirting with my husband. He keeps pretending it's a joke, but it makes me and my partner incredibly uncomfortable
He started making really inappropriate sexual comments to my husband, talking about his “big feet” and even “joking” that he should “try to compare the other sibling and make sure he was married to the right one '. It's also so sensitive that it makes my skin crawl.
My husband tried to grin and bear it for a while, but the last time we saw my brother he reached his breaking point – understandably so! – when he grabbed his butt in public.
He now says he doesn't know if he can handle being around my brother until we have a conversation with him.
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I know something needs to be said, but I'm so worried about destroying what was once a very good bond between me and my sibling. Any ideas how to deal with this mess?
By,
Sibling rivalry
Dear Sibling Rivalry,
Your letter reminded me of all the times we would say or do hurtful things as children and then try to get out of it by proclaiming it was a joke!
Now I see adults blaming others for being too sensitive when their unsavory behavior provokes a negative response. I'm making a wild guess because I suspect your brother is saying exactly that: he's joking! You are so sensitive!
And yet something does indeed need to be said.
Preferably by your husband. You don't have to get in the middle of this and triangulate.
If your husband is uncomfortable with the way your brother is behaving around him, especially because your brother is grabbing him inappropriately, your husband is the one who needs to say something to stop this.
Firm and honest is the way to go. Difficult conversations are often made easier when they are 'sandwiched' between the positive.
Something like, “I'm so happy that my wife has a brother who is easy to get along with, but I feel uncomfortable with the way you talk to me and act around me.”
“I don't know if you realize how flirty it seems, but I feel disrespected when you grab my ass, and that has to stop.” I hope you can hear this and we can get back to the relationship we had before I married your sister.”
No one can dispute how your husband feels when your brother does this, and it's entirely possible that he thinks he's just having fun and joking, but it needs to be nipped in the bud now.
Dear Jane,
My mother passed away last December after a twelve-month battle with cancer and as the anniversary of her death approaches, I am completely overcome with grief.
The holidays are now tainted with the memory of her death and before that the day she was diagnosed… Now I burst into tears every time I see a Christmas tree or a twinkling light.
I have two teenage sons and have done my best to keep my emotions at bay so that my sadness doesn't seep into their lives, but it feels like a dam has burst and I can no longer hold him back.
I don't want my kids to have a terrible Christmas, but I can't bring myself to get out of bed and do all the things we normally do this year. My husband does his best, but without my help he can only do so much.
I know deep down that I need to suck it up and move on, but right now it feels like the weight of my grief is too much to overcome.
How can I get back to myself and save our Christmas?
By,
Daughter in decline
Dear daughter in decline,
I am so sorry for your loss and understand how difficult this must be for you. It's less about sucking it up and moving on, and more about finding the tools to help you through the grieving process.
The first thing I will tell you is that you are not alone. The next is to find some support while you are still grieving.
A year is not very long, and you have to be gentle with yourself. I highly recommend that you visit the website of Claire Bidwell-Smith, a grief therapist and best-selling author who specializes in motherless daughters and the specific grief surrounding losing mothers. I highly recommend her books, and if you're in the States, she also teaches workshops.
The fact that you don't want to get out of bed tells me that you may, understandably, very well be suffering from depression. Lethargy and wanting to hide under the covers are always a signal of depression. I would like you to make an appointment with a healthcare provider to see what options are available to you.
And finally, little gets better if we hide at home. Look for local grief groups. The presence of other people who are grieving similarly can provide a great support system and help us not feel so alone.
I hope you can get back to life very soon, and if this Christmas is less sparkling and fantastic than usual, please know that everyone will understand.