DEAR JANE: My best friend hid a vile secret about her past – I don’t think I can ever speak to her again

Dear Jane,

I have been in a devastating situation with my best friend for almost twenty years and I hope you can help me untangle this situation.

As for the background, I’ve been inseparable from this friend since we were fourteen. She has always been the person I turned to in tough times for advice or support, and over the years she has become more of a sister.

One of the hardest times in my life was when my parents divorced, seemingly out of nowhere, when I was 17. It hit me like a truck and I felt miserable for months. But my friend was there to help pick up the pieces and it brought us even closer than we already were.

A few days ago I was having dinner with my mother, who I think had had one too many glasses of wine, and I was talking about vacation plans I’m making with my girlfriend. Now, my mom has never been this friend’s biggest fan, but as I was talking I could tell she was rolling her eyes and getting annoyed.

When I asked her what was wrong, she initially tried to dodge the question by saying she was just ‘in a mood’ and had had too much to drink. But I knew something was up, so I kept pushing.

And then it came out…she told me the reason she and my dad got divorced was because she caught him having an ‘affair’ with my best friend. She said she found messages they had shared and images they had sent each other – and confessed that the discovery had caused their breakup.

I was absolutely outraged. I didn’t know what to say or think. I had so many questions, like: How could they not have told me this? My mother said that she and my father agreed that they did not want to destroy a friendship when they knew my life was already falling into chaos, and she said that my father insisted that nothing physical had ever happened between him and my friend.

I’ve talked to her about it in more detail over the past few days, and while I still can’t forgive her or my father for keeping this a secret, the person I’ve been hurt most by is my friend. She was by my side when all this happened, acting completely innocent and speculating with me about what had happened to destroy my parents’ marriage… and the whole time she knew exactly what was going on.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk to her yet because I really don’t know where to start.

The idea of ​​cutting her out of my life without confronting her about everything feels wrong. But how do I begin to explain to her how disgusted and hurt I am by this whole thing? Especially since it happened so long ago?

Please help.

By,

Tangled web

Dear Tangled Web,

There is nothing worse than hearing that a good friend has betrayed you, and I am so sorry for the pain this causes you.

There’s no way to make this pain go away, but a few things occur to me.

The first is that you don’t actually know what happened, only the version of the story from your mother’s point of view, including the fact that nothing physical ever happened between them.

Which doesn’t make it any less…irritating, but the truth is you don’t know the truth, and it’s worth putting your emotions aside and sitting down with your boyfriend and your dad to find out what their version is. of the story.

Whatever the story is, I also want to say that we all make some pretty terrible choices when we’re young.

Science now tells us that our frontal lobe – the part of the brain that controls our impulses – is not fully developed until we are – at least – 25 years old.

There may be no excuse for your girlfriend’s behavior, or she may have experienced something herself that made an older man’s attention feel flattering or affirming.

I can’t tell you what to do here, but if, as it sounds, she has been a good friend for the past twenty years, it’s worth listening to what she has to say with an open mind and heart. .

Dear Jane,

I am a single mother of two young teenagers and have been alone since the birth of my youngest, after cutting off my emotionally abusive ex-partner shortly after the birth of my second child.

I have a full-time job and although it is not easy, I manage to pay my bills and care for my children without any help from my ex – who refused to pay child support when I moved out with the kids. In the first days after we moved, I fought with him for money, begging him to come into our children’s lives, but honestly, life is so much calmer without him that I gave up after a few years.

I’m proud of the life I’ve built for myself and my children – but apparently that’s not enough for my parents, who constantly criticize every element of my lifestyle when they visit.

They say my house isn’t clean enough, that I don’t do enough with the kids, that I took on too much by getting a dog, that I let myself go physically… it goes on and on.

My mother has told me she thinks I have depression, despite having no medical expertise, and both she and my father insist the only way I can ‘change my life’ is to move back to my hometown . They send texts and emails pointing out all my faults – and have offered to let the kids stay with them so I have time to ‘get back on my feet’.

I have tried to reason with them and I have had very challenging conversations and ultimately arguments that point to the fact that they paint such a negative picture of my life and that I am actually happy with my life. It’s far from perfect, but I can do it. There are times when I’m overwhelmed, tired, and completely exhausted, but I’d say that was normal for a single parent working full-time in a challenging profession.

I live for my children and they have everything they need. Shooting me down as a parent is the most hurtful thing they can do. I have such a great relationship with my children and I am much closer to them than I ever was to my parents.

I have no desire to return to my hometown. I have built a life for myself and my children. They are happy, I am happy. I enjoy my job because I get to have conversations and social interactions with adults, and I really don’t feel like I’m missing out on an adult social life.

My question is where is this going? I’m glad I have a different perspective on them, but at the end of the day, I’m in my mid-40s and I don’t want them constantly trying to put me down. I’ve tried the fun way, the not so fun way. I have spoken to them personally and sent emails. Nothing, and I mean nothing has worked.

Do I just give up and accept that I will never have a reliable relationship with my parents? I don’t see them changing and I can’t just shake off their hurtful comments.

By,

Clipped wings

Dear clipped wings,

There’s a very famous poem by Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse, which starts with the line: ‘They’re destroying you, your mother and father, they may not mean to, but they do…’

I am reminded of this as I read your letter, and all that you yourself have accomplished.

Raising children as a single mother without financial assistance is one of the hardest and most challenging things we can do. I take my hat off to you and applaud all you have accomplished. What a strong and fearless woman you are.

Now call on that courage to tell your parents that you will no longer tolerate any criticism.

Whether in person, on a phone call or in a letter, a clear boundary needs to be set, and as a result, if they can’t respect your choices, you won’t be able to see them. And then stick to it.

This does not mean that the children should no longer have a relationship with their grandparents, but you no longer have to expose yourself to their criticism.

You are carrying a heavy burden and you don’t have to feel guilty about telling them this. Untie your wings and let yourself fly.