DEAR JANE: My 53-year-old mother got pregnant just WEEKS after me – I think she’s done it to steal my thunder

Dear Jane,

I found out I was pregnant in July, after quite a hard time for over a year IVF, and I was overjoyed. I've wanted to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and to know that this dream is finally coming true is just the best feeling in the world.

My family was very happy for me – especially my own mother, which surprised me a bit because we've always had a bit of a difficult relationship. I don't want to sound cruel, but she's had a bit of a sad life and always seems to have been jealous of my success, whether it's my career or my marriage.

It turns out that's still the case, because six weeks after I shared my pregnancy news with my loved ones, my 53-year-old mother announced that she had been “blessed with a miracle baby” and would be giving birth not long after me. .

She shared this news with me in an email chain that went to about 60 people, stating that she felt “extra special” knowing that she would become a mother and grandmother in a few weeks.

Maybe I'm being sensitive, but that wording just felt like a gut punch. Is this woman really going to give birth to a child as a sad attempt to raise her own daughter?

I told my husband about my feelings and he said that would be crazy, that even my mother wouldn't pull such a crazy stunt, but honestly I don't know.

She keeps calling me to share pregnancy advice, and each time she comes up with a comment about how her pregnancy is so much more unique because of her age, and that I'm so lucky to have an “everyday, traditional” pregnancy. 'pregnancy.

Of course, I'm still overjoyed to be pregnant, but it feels like every conversation I have with my mom takes away a little bit of that joy. I have visions of her holding court with her belly after I give birth, and the image alone makes me want to throw something out the window.

How do I stop her from destroying this experience for me?

By,

Daughter in despair

Dear daughter in despair,

Your letter easily wins the most special situation of the year. First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy. IVF can be so difficult, so kudos to you for getting through it, and for such a successful payout.

Competitive people are exhausting at the best of times. I advise people to do their utmost to avoid them where possible, but in this case you obviously can't do that.

But here's the thing: it's like an argument: it takes two. It's entirely possible that your mother got pregnant (at 53, I wonder how far she went?) in an attempt to compete with you, but you don't have to enter the competition.

If she starts talking about how special her pregnancy is, just say it's nice and change the subject, or try saying “you win” with a smile.

Either way, there doesn't seem to be much point in competing.

As for your mom, competing alone will get pretty boring after a while. If she's as competitive as you think and you don't fuel her, i.e. withdraw without response, it won't be nearly as fun for her.

If you let her know she won, she won't have anywhere to go, especially if she doesn't get a response from you.

Unfortunately, your mother is unlikely to change: it seems like she won't do much with you (especially considering the risks associated with pregnancy at her age), but you don't have to let that take away your joy.

Surround yourself with people who are genuinely happy for you, with other new mothers, and share your happiness with those who matter.

I'm sorry it's not your mother, which is why so many of us create a “family of choice.” I hope you surround yourself with a family of your choice who can love and celebrate you and your new baby.

Dear Jane

My girlfriend and I are in a same-sex relationship with a ten year age difference between us; she was my professor at the university and when I finally got a job there, we reconnected and slowly fell in love.

We have been together for two years now and she still teaches the course I completed.

But these days she works an average of about 60 hours a week. Meanwhile, I started my PhD in September, which requires me to work two 16-hour days a week – so our schedules have been a bit hectic, to say the least.

However, I have always tried my best to make time for my girlfriend and my family, because for me they are the most influential people in the world.

But over the past two months I have noticed a change in my girlfriend's behavior; she seems burned out. She often forgets things and hasn't had a weekend off in weeks.

Most weekends she works a maximum of six hours on Saturdays and Sundays, but sometimes she can work up to ten hours. And all of this seems to be taking a real toll on her and our relationship.

Just a few days ago I left a spoon in the sink after making a cup of tea and she went wild with frustration. Then she stormed away crying.

I've tried talking to her about cutting her hours, but she doesn't want to hear it. I've also tried to get her to open up to me, but she seems hesitant.

I know it's my girlfriend and I'm trying to hold on, but it feels like she's pushing me away and I'm not sure how much more I can take. Personally, I feel like her burnout is destroying our relationship and if we break up, I don't think I can be in a new relationship. I know she's the one.

Dear Jane, please give some advice to save my relationship.

By,

Heartbroken by Burnout

Dear Heartbroken by Burnout,

I'm so sorry you're going through this and that you're having a hard time.

There is a burnout, and then you are pushed away. The two are not necessarily related, and I think your situation has more to do with a lack of communication, and you being aware, maybe even subconsciously, that she is using her work to push you away.

You need to sit down together and have an honest conversation because things can't continue like this. Tell her how abandoned you feel when she works all the time and no longer makes the relationship a priority. Ask her if there is anything else going on that you need to discuss.

When you're heartbroken, you may feel like she's the one, but you're very young and in love, and the dynamics of knowing someone is pulling away can make us want them even more, and none of that indicates a healthy relationship.

A healthy relationship is one in which both partners recognize the other's needs, make time for them, and make sure to make changes when one becomes upset by the other's behavior.

I don't know if your girlfriend is the one or not, but I do know that the relationship cannot last this way, and you both need to have a heart to heart.

I also know that no relationship is good when you're feeling that bad, and if she can't or won't make changes, then she's definitely not the right woman for you, no matter how much you want things to be different.

You deserve to be loved, treated with kindness and respect. If your girlfriend can't do that, it's time to move on. I wish you the best.