DEAR JANE: I had a mortifying mishap while on vacation with my boyfriend’s parents – now I’m terrified he’s going to DUMP me over it

Dear Jane,

Last week I went on my first vacation with my boyfriend… and his entire family. We’ve been together for three years, but for some reason we’ve never traveled together. When his parents asked me if I wanted to go on a trip to ItalyI grabbed that opportunity with both hands.

I always felt that his mother and father weren’t particularly fond of me, so I thought this would be a great opportunity to win them over. I studied Italian at university and (perhaps foolishly) thought they would be amazed by my language skills and knowledge of the local culture.

At first everything was great. We met my friend’s mother, father and sister – and her husband – in Rome and spent several days visiting all the classic hotspots, eating delicious food.

Then we went to Capri to spend a few days by the ocean. This is where it went wrong.

On our first day in Capri I spent way too much time in the sun without drinking enough water. By the time dinner arrived I was feeling pretty lousy so my boyfriend suggested I skip it and go straight to bed. So I did.

His parents made some nasty comments (or at least I thought they were nasty) about how they thought it was a “shame that I didn’t feel strong enough” to go out, but I tried to forget about it and just passed out.

Anyway, long story short, I still felt awful the next day, but I felt like I had to push through and I made it to dinner. But on the way back from the restaurant, I started feeling really, really sick. You know that feeling when you realize you only have maybe 10 seconds left before disaster strikes? Well, that was me.

And guess what, moments later I was projectile vomiting in the street. It looked like something out of a horror movie.

I was mortified.

At that time everyone was very nice and they brought me back to the hotel safe and sound. But later I heard my boyfriend’s mother saying how much wine I had drunk during dinner, and wasn’t it a shame that I couldn’t control myself in public.

The last night of our trip my boyfriend asked me to ‘not drink’. I suspect he really believes his mother’s comment that I was throwing up from the alcohol.

Ever since we got home he’s been distant and I can’t help but feel like he’s going to break up with me because of some stupid stomach illness or food poisoning or whatever.

Am I paranoid or is this a mess I can’t clean up?

By,

Stomach ache

Dear Stomach Complaints,

It’s hard to know if there’s information missing from your letter because you don’t talk about alcohol at all until your boyfriend and his mom mention it.

And that’s hard to figure out, because I don’t understand why they would even consider mentioning alcohol unless alcohol is part of the story.

The fact that you overheard your friend’s mother commenting on how much wine you had with dinner suggests that perhaps wine played a role in this problem?

That’s not to say you didn’t get the stomach flu, but I wonder if you’re being completely honest with yourself about what happened.

Let’s assume that alcohol played no part in this and that you have a horrible virus. If they all jumped to the wrong conclusion and your boyfriend told you to stop drinking when you hadn’t been drinking at all, I would strongly urge you to think long and hard about your relationship.

If you don’t believe in someone and you further demean yourself, that is not a sign of a healthy relationship.

Communication is everything. An honest conversation with your friend, asking why they assumed it was alcohol, and providing evidence that alcohol is not a problem may be necessary.

If he’s on the verge of breaking up with you, there’s not much that can change that, and I’m sorry. It’s heartbreaking to see someone fall out of love with you, especially when you think it’s something so small, but it’s rarely that one little thing.

Perhaps this is the straw that breaks the camel’s back, but know that we expect and deserve from those we love to not only be loved, but cherished, comforted when they are sick, and believed in.

Dear Jane,

My partner and I recently had a relationship therapy session to address the issues we have with communication and arguments.

Halfway through our session an extremely sensitive topic came up and my partner reacted very badly to it. He lashed out at the counselor and was very defensive, animated and rude.

While he was in a rage, the therapist began to apologize to me, telling me that she was sorry that I was dealing with domestic violence and emotional abuse from my partner, and asking if I would like to see her alone for a moment.

I understand that his actions were not OK – nor was he. He immediately booked himself into a series of solo sessions with another therapist in an attempt to better understand his behavior and mitigate it in the future.

But now I am completely upset because someone who spoke to us for 25 minutes said that I am being abused. I honestly do not understand her statements.

Am I so naive that I don’t see it? Or is it true that someone can have bad habits and behave terribly but still be a good partner and person?

I am now questioning my entire relationship with the father of my child and I am really struggling not to constantly worry about what this means for our future. Should I even continue the relationship if I question every action he makes or every thing he says?

I’d love to hear what you think.

By,

Reality bites

Dear Reality Bites,

It seems to me that a care provider who barely knows either of you, who doesn’t know your history and the ins and outs of your relationship (and who can, unless he/she lives behind closed doors with you?), has no right to call something domestic violence or abuse.

They certainly have the right to express their concerns, but this is very extreme language and I understand why it is so upsetting for you.

We live in a time when labels are becoming easier to apply, and people – even well-meaning therapists – will apply labels to situations with which they are not entirely familiar.

I understand why this upsets you so much, but you have to take a step back and look at the evidence.

Your partner did everything right immediately after the explosion – he booked more therapy for himself and took the right steps to fix it. This suggests to me that he is indeed a good partner and a good person, and that he loves you enough to do the work.

Good people can do bad things. The mark of a truly good person is that they take immediate responsibility for the things they have done, and then do the work to make sure they don’t happen again.

There are many bad therapists out there. I suggest you ignore this therapist and focus on the work your partner is doing and strengthening your relationship. I wish you all the best.