DEAR JANE: My maid of honor RUINED my wedding day with her horrifying speech – now my husband wants me to cut her out of my life forever

Dear Jane,

One of my best friends completely turned our relationship upside down by giving a humiliating bridesmaid speech at my wedding – and now my husband is demanding I cut her out of my life completely.

I’ve known my maid of honor since we were kids and even though we’re complete opposites, we’ve also been very close. So when it came to choosing a bridesmaid, she was my first choice – despite my husband expressing some concern about her drunken antics.

But I trusted her implicitly and made it clear to her that when it came to the wedding and the speech, it was important to me that everything remained as tame as possible to avoid any embarrassment in front of my family and my new family. laws.

She promised to keep things “PG” for the day and assured me that she would “focus on the emotion rather than the humor” for her speech.

However, on the day itself, she got quite drunk before I had even made it down the aisle – and I was forced to ask one of my other bridesmaids to look after her while I took photos with my husband after the ceremony.

From then on things went from bad to worse, and by the time she stood up to give her speech, it was clear to everyone that she was in no condition to address a room full of people.

She then recapped all of my most humiliating sexual encounters, telling my family, friends, and in-laws about some of my most awkward dating moments, including the time I lost my virginity, and a date that ended in disaster when I threw up after eating some bad shrimp.

I was almost in tears when my husband stood up and pulled the microphone from her hands. I asked one of my friends to take care of her for the rest of the evening and did my best to keep her away until after the weekend.

Since the wedding we’ve had a chance to chat – and while I don’t think I’ll forgive her for a long time, I do know that her speech was not born of malice and that, in her drunken state, I think she really thought she was funny. I believe one day I can get past this and get our friendship back on track.

However, this whole incident has infuriated my husband so much that he has told me that he no longer feels comfortable spending time with her, and that he would rather I get her out of our lives once and for all ban. He said he doesn’t want me to be around someone who clearly doesn’t care about me or consider my feelings, and that he can’t bear the idea of ​​ever talking to her again.

I feel really torn here – I know exactly why he feels this way, but I don’t want to end a twenty year friendship over one incident, no matter how hurtful it was.

Is there any way I can mend the relationship between them?

By,

Bridal shame

Dear Bridal Shame,

Despite your own humiliation over the speech your best friend gave, you took a mature approach, knowing that it may take some time to forgive her and get back on track, while understanding that her behavior had no malice in it. had, and that her conduct was not in fact malicious. intentions, even when drunk, were meant to be humorous rather than embarrassing.

We are human and fallible. Even when we love deeply, even when we start out with good intentions, we all mess up sometimes.

We trust that those who love us understand the difference between bad behavior with good intentions and bad behavior with nefarious intentions. You did this while protecting yourself, and I applaud your emotional maturity and generosity.

You have had a long friendship with this woman, and it is your decision how to handle it. Your husband may think he’s protecting you by removing people from your life he thinks are toxic, but it’s not his decision and no one has the right to demand you do anything.

It’s uncomfortable when people we love make choices that we think are bad for them.

We can tell them the reasons why we don’t approve of a friendship or a partner, but then we have to come out and let other people make their own choices.

Your husband tries to protect you, but you are an adult and you can make your own decisions. Your friendship may need to be kept separate from your marriage until your husband can see that it is sustainable and good for you.

Dear Jane,

I’m a 24 year old lesbian and I think I somehow fell in love with my boyfriend, a 32 year old man.

I came out at age 14 and have always dated girls. Never in my life had I been attracted to a man until this friend came into the picture.

We met five years ago through one of my college friends, who now works with him, and we immediately became close.

None of his girlfriends have ever had a problem with how close we are because they knew I was a lesbian, and I think that has made our relationship even stronger. We never had to deal with the awkwardness of jealousy between girlfriend and best friend, which was great.

But after years of growing closer to him, I’m starting to realize that I actually like him more than just a friend. I used to hate ‘male’ things, but with him it’s completely different.

I find myself fantasizing about him – even though all the other men completely reject me.

We’ve both been single for the past few months and have been hanging out a lot. When we go out people always assume we are a couple because of the way we interact together, but he has never gone beyond being affectionate. He always keeps things platonic, but still makes me feel very special.

Recently my extended family was having a big party, so I invited him to come along as my plus one. It was their first time meeting him and they loved him. I introduced him as my best friend, but we were probably a little too touchy at the party because my mom was giving us knowing looks…

I realize now that I need to talk to him about how I feel, but I have no idea how to go about that.

He still sees me as a lesbian and I’m terrified that he will be completely shocked if I tell him how I really feel. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but these feelings just won’t go away.

Any advice is welcome!

By,

Completely confused

Dear Completely Confused,

The Kinsey Scale test was created to measure sexual orientation because sex researcher Alfred Kinsey understood in 1948 that sexuality is a spectrum, and that people can be anywhere on that spectrum; the test is designed to help individuals know where they have fallen.

I say this because even though you may have felt like a lesbian for ten years, sexuality is nuanced, complicated, and can change depending on where you are on the spectrum. As you are discovering.

I will also say, as I often do, that it doesn’t matter who you love, it matters who you love, and how wonderful it is to feel such closeness and camaraderie.

I have no idea if he feels the same way, but I suggest you find out amicably so as not to damage the friendship if he doesn’t share those feelings.

Instead of coming out (no pun intended) with a heavy, emotional confession, perhaps show curiosity and levity.

Has he ever fallen in love with a friend? Does he think sexuality can be more fluid? What would he propose if you had fallen in love with a male friend?

Be playful and light. You can tell him you’ve been wondering about the two of you and see how he responds. By keeping it playful and light, the friendship is less likely to change if he doesn’t share your feelings.

Anyway, I applaud your courage and wish you the best of luck!