DEAR JANE: I want to send my chubby six-year-old daughter to a fat camp – my husband says I’m being shallow and cruel

Dear Jane,

I am the mother of two wonderful children – and have always done everything in my power to ensure that they are healthy, happy and ready to achieve incredible success in their lives.

That system worked perfectly for my 10-year-old. He speaks Chinese thanks to an after-school tutor, he plays instruments, he is active and enjoys sports, and he does very well at school.

But my six-year-old daughter has always found it more difficult to meet the high standards we have set for both our children. She’s struggling in school, shows no interest in the extracurricular activities we enroll her in – and now she’s starting to binge eat.

I don’t want to deprive a child who needs food, but my daughter has been sneaking candy when she thinks we’re not looking and while eating she is shoveling food into her mouth without any control. The housekeeper told me yesterday that she always finds food wrappers under her bed, and it’s always junk food.

These unhealthy eating habits have caused her to gain a lot of weight – and every time we try to restrict or put her on a diet, she screams, cries and throws huge tantrums. She looks unhealthy and I’ve noticed other people starting to throw judgmental looks at us when we’re in public.

I did some research and came across a treatment center for young children who have difficulty with eating and impulse control. It’s basically like summer camp, but they teach nutrition and portion control, and I think it could help her interact with other kids who have similar issues as her.

But when I told my husband, he went crazy and said it was cruel to even think about sending our daughter to the “fat camp” and that it would cause permanent damage to her. He said I was obsessed with having the “perfect” daughter and that it was “shallow” of me to be so focused on her appearance.

I am so hurt by his accusations. I’m not focused on anything other than my daughter’s health and happiness – and while her health may affect the way she looks, that’s not why I want to send her to this camp.

I only want the best for my daughter and I don’t know what I can do to make my husband realize that?

It feels like he’s trying to turn a blind eye to what is clearly a big problem… so how do I open his eyes?

By,

A Mother’s love

Dear motherly love,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’m afraid your husband is right about this.

I don’t know if you work, or have something that keeps you busy, but it feels like you are living vicariously through your children, putting enormous pressure on them to excel in every area of ​​life, and telling yourself that it’s for them, it’s because you want them to succeed, but really it’s about your children being a reflection of you.

I live in a city where I see this every day, women who left their high-powered jobs to be a “full-time stay-at-home mom,” who then parent the same way they worked, focused solely on raising perfect children who going to the best schools and hopefully living an extraordinary life.

They too tell themselves that they are doing this for their children, and yet I see countless examples of these children who – like your daughter – have eating disorders, have high levels of anxiety, are taken to therapy to solve these problems, without realizing that this all stems from the pressure put on these children by none other than their parents.

That’s why I’m asking you to stop. Stop worrying about your daughter’s weight and food problems. Stop worrying that she won’t achieve what you want for her in life if she isn’t the perfect size. Stop putting pressure on both of your children to be the best, the thinnest and the prettiest.

Your job as a mother is to provide love, safety, and boundaries; it aims to raise children who are happy and secure in their own skin, who know how to navigate the world with clear eyes and kindness. Whether they go to Harvard or Yale doesn’t matter.

You should support them in what is best for them, giving them advice when it is needed, rather than forcing them onto a path that may not be right for them.

When it comes to food, the worst thing you can do is judge her, restrict her, or put her on a diet. Sending her to the “fat camp” will shame her in a way that will last a lifetime.

However, I suggest that you find your daughter a local therapist who specializes in eating disorders, and then step out and leave it to the professionals. I would like you and your husband to also meet with your daughter’s therapist and ask how you should behave toward her when it comes to food.

I’m sure she will tell you to refrain from judgmental comments and looks, and to be quiet when your daughter needs a second or third helping.

Your daughter has her own path. It may not be the path you would choose, but it is your job to support her in finding a life that works for her.

I would also suggest that you find a purpose other than being a “Tiger Mom” to your children. Whether it’s finding a job, getting involved with a charity, volunteering, or taking classes, focusing on yourself and finding fulfillment in your own life can help you shift your focus to healthier things.

Dear Jane,

Over the past few months, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with my son’s male teacher because he keeps making suggestive comments to me, even in front of my husband.

He is a great teacher and has helped my son come out of his shell since the beginning of the school year. That’s why I’ve hesitated to say anything until now.

But we had a meeting with him recently and some of the things he said to me were just so awful and inappropriate. He even winked at me when he knew my husband was in plain sight.

I could tell my husband was trying his best not to say anything in front of him, but when we got home he turned away. He was furious that I had ‘allowed’ that kind of behavior and even suggested that I ‘liked’ it for not shutting this guy down immediately.

We had a huge fight about it and now I’m terrified to go near the school in case this guy tries to say something again.

I don’t want my son’s education to suffer, but it has now reached the point where my marriage is suffering and that is too painful to bear.

Please help.

By,

Favorite of the teacher

Dear favorite animal,

What a strange situation to be in. I find myself a little baffled as to why neither of you have been able to say anything, but it’s time to say something.

To find out exactly where you stand, I would start by contacting an ENOUGH advocate – these are equal rights advocates (found at equalrights.org) who deal with students who are sexually harassed.

While this doesn’t exactly apply to you, I imagine one of their volunteer attorneys can advise you of your rights and what steps you need to take.

Please do this with your husband so he can hear the whole story and work with you to determine how to handle it. I’m afraid your husband was angry with you for something that is clearly out of your control.

You need to discuss this together to figure out what each of you fears about saying something, and what you think might happen.

The two of you need to find alignment and unity in how you deal with this. If you can’t do this on your own, I recommend you talk to a relationship counselor and see if there are bigger issues that need to be addressed.

As for harm to your child, know that children are remarkably resilient. If your son is moved to a different class, he will get through it.

He would have had to deal with moving at the end of the school year, and this would only push that date forward.