Dear Jane,
I recently had a very awkward moment at a dinner party with some friends, and it made me think about a lot of past experiences with my family, and I’ve started to look at it in a less pleasant light.
My friends and I have been doing this lately, where we go to someone’s house once a week for dinner and they pick the menu, theme, drinks, everything. We thought it would be a fun way to see each other regularly and also save some money on restaurants etc.
The first few weeks were so much fun and it seemed like my friends were expanding on the theme at every dinner party. When it was my turn, I went all out and prepared a pretty impressive feast, if I may say so myself.
I grew up in a family where food played a big role. My parents always experimented with different dishes. I always enjoyed doing that too.
Dear Jane, I shared my favorite dinner tradition with my friends – but when they found out what it was, they were shocked and accused me of ‘cruelty’
Since food was such an important part of my childhood, I wanted to share some of the family traditions with my friends. So I created a spread of all my favorite dishes, including the “pièce de résistance,” if you want to call it that: a handmade ravioli filled with this delicious rabbit ragout.
One thing we always did when I was a kid – something I think my dad taught me in Italy? – is to honor someone at the table with the rabbit heart. I think traditionally the heart goes to the oldest son, but in my family it was something we did to honor someone who had accomplished something great that week.
Maybe it was a silly thought that I would enjoy sharing it with my girlfriends. When one of them announced a big promotion a few days before, I thought it would be a special way to show how happy I was for her.
But when I explained the tradition and gave her the heart, she and all my friends looked completely shocked. One of them almost threw up.
They started talking about ‘cruelty’ and how eating raw animal organs was ‘disgusting’ and ‘creepy’… the whole experience made me feel like I was some kind of monster. I’ve never felt anything but positive about that tradition, and now it’s ruined for me.
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My friends were good at pushing it aside and continuing with the meal – which they did enjoy – but that squirming feeling lingered in my stomach all evening and that sense of shame has not gone away. I get goosebumps just thinking about it.
I know it may seem like a small thing, but I don’t know how to overcome this terrible shame.
Do you have any further ideas?
By,
Heartache
Dear Heartache,
Shame is the worst emotion there is. It is the emotion that holds us back from everything, that makes us aware over and over again that we are not good enough, that we do not deserve what others have. It is an emotion that makes us want to disappear.
You did nothing wrong, and your friends do seem to have gotten over it quickly. While I understand their dismay and yes, their disgust at being presented with a raw animal heart (remember, this is your family tradition, not theirs), it is hardly something to hold against you, which, fortunately for you, they did not do.
We all make mistakes. We are humans doing our best in a harsh world that seems to be increasingly judgmental.
The last thing you want to do right now is condemn yourself and declare yourself guilty.
I imagine this story will be retold one day, with you all crying with laughter at the horror of what you did, and your naivety in thinking they would all be happy. As for shame, let it go. The thought behind it was beautiful, and it seems your friends understood that too.