DEAR JANE: I pretended I was GAY to get a job… but then something awful happened with my new boss

Dear Jane,

Last month I finally got a new job after being unemployed for a very long time. I was getting pretty desperate and starting to think I would never find a paying job again.

By the time I went to interview for this new job, I had essentially nothing left in my bank account, was late on my rent payments, and had bills coming at me from every angle.

I’m not saying this to elicit pity, but rather to explain why I took a rather insane step to ensure I would get the job.

The position I applied for and now have was in marketing, a field I don’t have much experience in, but I was willing to take on anything.

During the interview it quickly became clear that I was not the ideal candidate due to my limited experience. However, the recruiter and I seemed to get along well, so I thought my best chance would be to convince him with my personality rather than my skills.

We got to talking and he told me that he had a son who was about my age (25). He said that his son worked in banking, was doing pretty well, but that their father-son relationship was going through a rough patch because his son had recently come out as gay and he felt that he hadn’t handled the news in the best way.

I don’t know what made me do it, but I decided to lie and tell him that I was gay too.

And before I knew it, I was making up this really sob story about what it was like coming out to my parents, how hard it had been for them, and how hard we worked to get our relationship back on track.

The whole time I could see him completely absorbed in my story, and his interest only reinforced my lies.

At the end of the interview he gave me a hug (!) and said he was grateful that I had shared my story. He saw that I was a good guy who needed a break and he offered me the job right away.

I felt a huge sense of relief, but then the guilt immediately hit.

I’ve been working for the company and with this man for two weeks now, and I’m constantly afraid that someone will discover my secret.

I feel really shitty about what I did – but I can’t come clean without getting fired? And I can’t afford that. Do I have to lie forever?

By,

Lies and Shame

Dear Lies and Shame,

The problem with lying to get ourselves out of sticky situations, even when we have only good intentions, is this: we only dig ourselves deeper into trouble.

I feel for you. I really do. You’ve been put in a tough spot, and one that’s hard to get out of; admitting that you lied so blatantly would undoubtedly cause your recruiter/boss to question your honesty and integrity in everything.

I know someone who decided she was gay after getting out of an unhappy marriage where resentment and anger had made her sex life miserable.

Instead of looking at the reasons behind her dislike for her husband, she thought – especially given her very close ties to other women – that she was homosexual. She started dating and came out to everyone she knew: her family, her children, her friends.

But the months ticked by and it turned out that she couldn’t find a single woman she really liked. She then had a wild affair with a sexy younger man that rekindled a long-dormant sexuality, and she realized that she did like sex, and so did men. This didn’t exclude women, but she then had to tell everyone she knew that she was probably bisexual, or fluid, or somewhere on the spectrum that wasn’t quite straight.

I wonder if this would be an elegant solution for you, since sexuality is indeed a spectrum and nothing is set in stone.

Maybe you can mention during a break conversation with coworkers that you’re also attracted to a woman. It’s not entirely a lie, not entirely the truth, but it solves the problem of dating women.

Remember this as a lesson for your future. Lying is never worth the effort.

Dear Jane,

It may sound very cliché, but I am really in trouble and really need help.

Six months ago I fell in love with a married man. We met at a work conference over a year ago, got along really well, always kept in touch, and when we met again at another conference, it went happened and we started a relationship that is one of the best and worst things that ever happened to me.

When we first met, he was in the middle of couples therapy with his wife. He told me that they had been having problems for a while, but that he was really trying to fix the relationship because they had been together since high school and he couldn’t imagine life without her.

Six months later, it seemed like he had come to the conclusion that their relationship was over and he told me that he was consulting a divorce lawyer. That’s how our relationship began.

So many people have told me that he probably lied, but I just don’t think he did. I saw the defeat in his eyes, the realization that their marriage had failed.

It was never our intention to have an affair. It was a drunken one-night stand that got out of hand and before we knew it, we were madly in love.

When he told his wife he wanted a divorce, a few weeks after we started dating, she panicked. She threatened to kill herself, threatened to take all his money, their house… luckily they don’t have kids, but she tried every way she could to keep him.

So, things have stalled. He says he’s still working with divorce lawyers to figure out what his options are, but I’m starting to lose hope that it’s ever going to happen. I don’t want to force him to make a decision he’s not ready for, but I can’t keep putting my own life on hold waiting for him. I also can’t imagine throwing away the great relationship we have.

Have I put myself in an impossible situation by doing this?

By,

Three’s company

Dear Three’s Company,

How my heart breaks for you and for all the women who not only believe that couples in love are just as unhappy in their marriages as they claim, but who also have such low self-esteem that they are content with breadcrumbs.

Listen, it’s like this: Women who date married men get nothing but breadcrumbs.

You will never be able to enjoy a fulfilling, truly intimate relationship, where you see the best and the worst and where you both grow together in a healthy way.

What makes the affair so appealing and addictive is the fact that you get so little, you only see the good things and you can get stuck in the fantasy of the romantic dream you’ve told yourself is going to happen.

But you have to remember that you only see your married lover when he runs away from his wife and/or family. And that leaves you living half a life: Christmas and Thanksgiving spent away from your partner, your phone glued to your side in case he texts and suddenly becomes available.

What I want you to think about, Three’s Company, is your self-worth. This feels like a big romance, but – and this may be hard for you to admit – something in you is okay with being secondary, with being an afterthought.

Because a man who cheats on his wife doesn’t care what he tells you – that they don’t sleep together anymore, that he loves her but doesn’t in love with her, and every other cliché in the book – is not the kind of man a mentally healthy woman who knows her worth would ever choose.

Remember, you get to choose your entire relationship with someone who is free. It may feel like the greatest love of your life, but I promise you, being a side chick is always destructive in the end.

It is true that at some point he may leave his wife, but what says that he will not repeat his adulterous behavior?

I don’t want you to wait for that. I would like to see you get therapy, work on your self-esteem, and let him go. It’s hard, but you are worth more. We are all worth more.