Dear Jane,
I’ve been dating my girlfriend for five years now, but four of those years were long distance while we both went to college in different states.
In our senior year of high school we started talking about what we were going to do and where we wanted to live, and eventually settled in a town close to where our families live – but not so close that they would want to come over every day, if you get my drift. !
We found a great place that was within our budget and I was so excited to finally be together all the time after years of working around our crazy schedules and having to travel back and forth to enjoy just a few days together.
But now that we’ve taken the step, I’m starting to think it was a big mistake.
Dear Jane, I moved in with my girlfriend three weeks ago and her crazy behavior is already making me want to move out
First of all, we both take completely different approaches to almost everything when it comes to housekeeping and administration. She has always been a control freak, but the intensity seems to have tripled since we moved here.
She obsessively vacuums the couch – THE COUCH! – panics every day when there’s even one sock on the floor, or a towel not hung on the right hook, and when we both get home from work, all she wants to do is clean up and put away, or talk about bills and budgets.
I know I can be a little messy, so I really tried my best to keep our house as tidy as possible. But I don’t want to live in a show home! I want to be able to come home and kick off my shoes at the door without panicking about her getting annoyed.
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I’d also like to just relax on the couch and watch Netflix at the end of the day, take her out to dinner, or do something other than discuss budgets and bills every night.
It’s only been three weeks, but it already feels like moving in together has killed the romance in our relationship, and I’m afraid that if we continue on this path, we’ll end up as resentful roommates instead of boyfriend and girlfriend ?
Is there any way to save this situation or should I move?
By,
Living and learning
Dear Living and Learning,
The first thing you need to do—and I can’t tell from your letter whether you’ve tried this—is to sit down with your friend and tell her everything you just told me.
Nothing is insurmountable, except a lack of communication.
When we don’t talk about the things that drive us crazy – in the hope that we can live with them, or that our loved ones will magically become the person they used to be – then we get into trouble.
That little unspoken grudge will eventually grow into a giant mountain, and that is the relationship breaker.
Before you decide anything, you should sit down together and have an honest conversation.
She may not be able to hear you – often we think we’re clearly stating what will happen if x, y and z continue, but our partners can’t hear. But you have to try.
It sounds like there is great love out there, and you need to discuss what each of you can and cannot live with.
I wish you both the best.