DEAR JANE: I have a crippling phobia of SEX – but I’m desperate to get pregnant and have a child

Dear Jane,

Here goes… I’m 35 years old and I’m a genophobe, which basically means I’m terrified at the thought of sex. It was something I discovered as a teenager and have lived with ever since.

The phobia has ruled my life for years, but as I’ve gotten older it’s created another crippling fear: that I’ll never be able to have children.

Despite my genophobia, I would like to be a mother one day – despite my condition which means that as a parent I will probably have to go it alone, because maintaining a relationship with my genophobia is basically impossible.

I saved my money so I can get my eggs frozen and pay for one sperm donor And IVFbut with each passing day, i become more afraid that i am running out of time.

I have dealt with this condition for years and have almost given up hope of finding a husband with whom I can share my life… Dating someone who is horrified by the thought of sex is not for most men definitely the biggest draw, at least not any I’ve found!

But motherhood is a dream I don’t want to give up.

If I thought having sex once would help me achieve that dream, I might go for it, but that’s never the case, is it?

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So much of my life has been affected by this terrible condition that I cannot bear the thought of it taking away the last thing I have left to cling to for happiness.

What do you suggest I do?

By,

Paralyzing fear

Dear Paralyzing Fear,

I’m sending you a giant hug right now; I can feel how painful and limiting this phobia has been for you.

Please hear me when I say that not everyone is built for intimacy, or for lifelong partnerships and marriages.

But it sounds like you would love that emotional connection with someone else, if not the sex, and it is possible to have that. Whether it’s a love interest who shares an aversion to sex, or a best friend, there are so many ways we can have that strong, emotional bond with someone else.

Not having a sexual life partner should not prevent you from having a child if you have the means and ability to raise a child with or without someone else.

But the genophobia needs to be addressed so that you can either resolve it or embrace it and come to a place of peace.

Genophobia, and especially fear, prevents you from living the fullest life possible, with or without a child.

There are so many forms of therapy today that can address phobias, even genophobia.

Cognitive behavioral therapy can help change the negative thoughts and beliefs surrounding sex, which can change your emotional, physical, and mental response to sex. EMDR – Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing – focuses on past trauma that may have caused the genophobia, and sex therapy is a specialized therapy that deals with genophobia.

To find the right therapists, go online to betterhelp.com or choosetherapie.com.

Sending you lots of love and courage.