DEAR JANE: I had FaceTime sex with a VERY powerful man and now I’m terrified for my career

Dear Jane,

I’m afraid I’ve made a terrible mistake and I’m not sure what to do.

It all started at the office party of the law firm I work for. I’ve been with the company for just under a year now, so it was my first time attending the company’s summer party. Many in the office jokingly told me how loud it got every year.

I work as a legal assistant for the environmental law department and it was my first time coming into contact with many people from other departments, so there were a lot of unfamiliar faces.

At the party, after a few too many glasses of champagne, I got talking to a very handsome man.

We hit it off straight away and although there was obviously an age difference, we had so much in common!

Nothing happened between us at the party, but we had undeniable chemistry. He asked for my number and I happily gave it to him.

I left the event around midnight and stumbled back to my apartment… and then I got a call from him. A FaceTime call!

I answered, of course, and there he was… shirtless.

Let’s just say things got pretty intense and we ended up having “FaceTime sex.”

I woke up with an extreme hangover and even more anxiety about what had happened, but things just got worse from there.

When I showed up for work on Monday, I tried to find out what his role was within the company. He had not told me his department or position.

Well, it turns out he’s a managing partner, one of the most important and prominent figures at the firm.

Just my luck, since the party I’ve seen him in the office several times. I’ve done my best to avoid him and avoid awkward encounters, but he’s texted me several times since our virtual date and even asked me out on dates.

Even though I’m having a LOT of fun with him, I don’t think it’s appropriate to continue our relationship.

What should I do? Should I continue to ignore him? Is it wildly inappropriate to get to know him on a romantic level?

By,

Guilty as charged

Dear guilty as accused,

What a difficult (albeit perhaps quite fun) situation you are in.

Meeting a handsome stranger who then continues to pursue you even after you’ve gone out of your way to avoid him is flattering and I suspect quite exciting, despite the obvious complications.

But you’re absolutely right: it would probably be a terrible mistake to get involved with him while working at the same company.

You have options, of course, but before we even look at that, I think it’s worth taking the mature approach of approaching your admirer directly and asking to talk to them.

You won’t be able to continue ignoring his advances, and constantly trying to avoid him may end up annoying him.

I suggest meeting him for a cup of coffee, preferably sometime during the workday, but outside the office and within a time frame that is difficult to stop. Not a drink, and Nothing outside working hours.

If you plan not to get involved, be mature and set clear boundaries.

Instead of ignoring him like you did, explain why it’s inappropriate for him to ask you out. Then tell him not to contact you again.

Considering the power dynamic that exists between you, I’m sure he already knows he’s putting his own career in jeopardy. He should be able to see that pursuing a romantic relationship would not be beneficial for either of you.

The other thing to keep in mind is that even though you had great “virtual sex,” you don’t actually know this guy at all.

He may be handsome and you may have had a great first connection, but I promise you that sexual chemistry alone cannot sustain a relationship for long. It certainly wouldn’t be worth risking your job for an affair.

There is an alternative scenario: you could decide to get to know each other. Not as romantic or sexual partners, but as friends.

If there really is something going on between the two of you and you decide to give it a try, you should reassess your employment situation… and maybe look for work elsewhere.

Dear Jane,

I’ve been a lesbian all my life since I came out at 16 and am now 27, but recently I met a man at the local gym where I train.

At first we hit it off as gym buddies, but slowly we started to get closer. He seems quite openly interested in me and I can’t stop thinking about him no matter what I do.

I’ve never felt this way about a man before, and it’s even more surprising because he’s so masculine: he’s good looking, he’s tall, he’s extremely muscular, and his body dwarfs mine. And normally I go for little girls!

I’ve even had fantasies about him, something that has definitely never happened to a man before.

Despite my identity, should I take the plunge and see what happens? How do you think he would react knowing I’m a lesbian? Any advice is welcome!

By,

Sweaty and confused

Dear Sweaty and Confused,

One of the things that is so awe-inspiring about the younger generation is how fluid they are in their sexuality. One of the things that can be so frustrating, though, is how desperate they are to label themselves.

I understand how comforting a label can be, especially considering we live in a time where technology leads to more loneliness and isolation.

Having a label suddenly makes us part of a community. It makes us feel like we belong.

But of course, as you’re now discovering, the problem with labels is that they can limit us.

We are so much more than a label and we can’t always color within the lines.

Here you are, a self-identified lesbian who has spent her entire young adult life in relationships with women. But now you find yourself physically attracted to a man.

And what I say is: lucky you!

How wonderful to feel so attracted to someone and how wonderful to have someone to fantasize about.

Isn’t a full life about grasping everything and experiencing everything? What a gift to be able to step out of your comfort zone and experience something new.

My suggestion is to go for it.

You will definitely find sex with a man different from sleeping with women. Maybe you hate it. On the other hand, you might think it’s the sexiest thing ever. You won’t know until you try.

I’ve known plenty of people who have been straight all their lives, and then suddenly realize in their forties or fifties, often after marriage and children, that they want to be with someone of the same sex.

Maybe you have the opposite realization, but at such a young age. You still have so much to discover and so many years ahead of you.

Try to think of sexuality as a spectrum and embrace it all!