DEAR JANE: I had a mortifying accident on a first date – now I’m too scared to ever go out with a guy again

Dear Jane,

In 2021, I had my first date in two years and something so terrible happened that I haven’t been able to date another man since.

I’ve never had much self-confidence and after breaking up with my ex-boyfriend in 2017, it took me a while to even get the courage to join a dating app. Even after creating a profile, the idea of ​​actually dating someone terrified me.

But eventually I met a guy who I really seemed to click with, and I agreed to go out to dinner with him.

The date started off great! He was charming, funny, friendly and very personable.

But while we were drinking, my stomach started to feel a little uneasy… I don’t know if it was nerves or something I had eaten, but I kept having to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, which wasn’t so used to be. exactly the most romantic way to start the evening.

Eventually my stomach settled – and I finally felt like everything was going well. He walked me home at the end of the date after a few drinks and some food, and when we got to my front door he went to give me a hug.

Maybe it was the pressure of the hug, the relief that I had survived the date… but I farted.

Really loud. So loud that it was impossible to hide where it came from or what it was. Four years later, the sound still echoes in my ears.

I was so, so shocked. I just stuttered something at him and ran inside, where I basically burst into tears of shame.

He texted me the next day saying he had a great time, but there was no way I could reply. All these thoughts flew through my head about what he must have really thought about me.

I felt disgusting and so utterly horrible.

Long story short, I haven’t been able to go on a date since. Every time I even think about rejoining an app or having a friend install me, my mind goes back to that moment. That terrifying moment. And I’m so overcome with shame that I quit.

I know I need to do something to get rid of this feeling, but I just don’t know where to start. I couldn’t tell anyone about that night because I was so ashamed.

Please help.

By,

Broken wind

Dear broken wind,

I’m baffled and so sorry that you haven’t had a date since 2021 due to your shame over something that all humans do.

I understand how unfeminine some women find basic bodily functions – and how humiliating it can be for someone to witness it, especially someone you’re attracted to.

You don’t say how old you are in your letter, but I assume you are young, because these things feel much bigger when we are young, before we encounter a lot of embarrassing situations that help us get over them, and, in Help us see the humor in it.

I’m sure you’ve been around people who have unknowingly farted in front of you, and I’m pretty sure that whatever you were thinking at the time, it passed by very quickly and you didn’t remember it afterwards. thought about it a lot more. not at all. We are much more focused on our own behavior than anyone else.

The best way to help you get over this is to ask you to imagine yourself in your date’s shoes, or in someone else who was around someone else who accidentally farted.

Imagine how you feel as an observer: you may feel a little ashamed on their behalf, but nothing beats the shame you’ve felt for far too long.

I also started telling friends and asking about their own embarrassing stories. You’ll soon see that we’ve all been through this, and it’s completely human.

Now you need to put it behind you (ahem), fart louder and more often, and get back to living a full life.

Dear Jane,

I graduated from college last summer, and even though all my friends were pursuing careers, graduate degrees, or internships, I still have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Everyone keeps telling me that this moment in my life is the beginning of my future – and it makes me feel like every decision I make now will put me on a path I’ll be on forever, and that’s terrifying.

I’ve never felt a natural attraction to any career, and I have no idea how to find the industry or job that’s right for me.

But I’m at a point now where I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already that I’m panicking and thinking about taking every job that comes along. Could I be a banker? Sure, I think. Maybe I should work at an advertising agency? Okay fine.

But nothing really appeals to me. And yet the idea of ​​being completely directionless forever is even scarier.

My parents keep pushing me to… do something? Something? But if this decision is going to determine the rest of my life, should I still make that decision with complete confidence that this is what I want to do?

Any suggestions on how I can find my life’s purpose?

By,

Blowing in the wind

Dear Blowing in the Wind,

Wouldn’t life be so easy if we all grew up knowing exactly what we wanted to do? Yet it’s a misnomer, and more and more young people are doing more general education courses and graduating in exactly the same boat as you, without any idea what they’re going to do for a career.

The good news is that our twenties are suited to figuring out these difficult aspects of life. With few responsibilities, this is the time to experiment and try different jobs until you find the one that suits you.

The truth is, most of us enter our careers without a set plan. We try a few things until we find the work we like, that suits us, that we are good at.

It may be helpful to ask yourself some questions along the lines of: What do you enjoy doing? What do you not like doing? What are you naturally good at? What are you not good at? What gives you energy? What does energy cost?

It can also be helpful to ask questions of trusted friends and family: What do you consider my gifts? Where and how do you think I can best add value in the workplace? Knowing me as you do, where do you see me blossoming, and why?

Personal inventories are powerful tools, and often we dismiss or take our greatest gifts for granted.

It may also be helpful to meet with a career counselor. They can fully assess your skills and personality and give you an idea of ​​what type of work would be a good fit for you.

Furthermore, you don’t have to worry about finding your life purpose yet.

Try things, keep moving forward, don’t let mistakes or failures stop you from trying something different, and give yourself time to not only find the right thing, but to relax knowing that this is all part of the journey.

Every job you have will lead to the next step, even though it may not be clear at the time.

Even mistakes have a habit of sending us to places we may not realize we need to go. I wish you a lot of succes.